An Infinitely Blessed Life

Yes, that is what my life is; and today I married that notion, I committed to believing because my life, even through the struggles, is a living example of the universes way of listening and responding.
I got a tattoo that I feel like I was guided right to by my angels and the energies in my life. I have been wanting more tattoos for awhile now and have had a hard timing figuring out what I wanted and where I wanted it placed, so I have put a lot of thought into what I wanted to commit to for the rest of my life; I take that idea very seriously, so I meditated last night about it, and then I began perusing the internet for the images that I could use to create what I needed.
I printed pages out, cut out the pictures that spoke to me, and then began thinking about the story I wanted to tell with the ink work I am about to have painted symbolically on my skin. For me, the purpose of a tattoo is to tell a story with it, to symbolize something that moved me so powerfully in my life that I want it permanently painted on me.

I was humbled again last night by the pure love and gratitude of a child; I woke up today knowing exactly which design to go with and where I wanted it to be put as a constant reminder of how blessed my life is infinitely. :)

 And here is the final artwork;

 

Blessings Disguised as Trials and Tribulations

Who would have thought that one week ago when I became so ill with this respiratory crap, I would look upon it as a blessing? A what? Yes, I said that, A BLESSING.
Let me explain; I was experiencing a burn-out in ways that I wasn't even directly aware of right away, work burn out, life burn out, all of it; I was drowning in emotions that I felt like I had no control over and knew not where the hell they were even emanating from. I did a good job of smiling in public, making small talk with friends, and carrying on as usual to the everyday world; inside however was a whole other universe whirling; one of stress, fatigue, loneliness and overall questioning. I was questioning everything! Why am I here? Why is everything so damn hard, while others just seem to skate through life unscathed? I had family and friends going through horrible things to which I could do nothing but sit by and helplessly watch and silently pray, but then the light at the end of the tunnel showed itself to me and I understood more.

I was forced off of work, forced to be still, and forced to allow my body to physically just stop and rest; I truly had no choice because in the moments that I thought I was stronger than some damn sickness my body said "screw you, we got you on this one, sit down!" and sit down I did. 

I dove head first into my second weeks of classes and found myself flipping page after page consumed in such a good way by the information in front of me. I've never been big on history, (which I know is not cool, because a lot of it is really some good information), but I was understanding so much more about human behaviors and the processes by which we operate that I couldn't help but just keep going; and going...It brought to light so many factors in my own life in regards to my job, the people I work with and for, and to the world around me and my place in it. I'm not "normal" (what the hell is normal anyway, and who defines what is normal?) and I am SO okay with that. I don't deal with life on a surface level, I feel it inside. It's funny as I think about the people along the way who have had no real understanding and have labeled me as "too emotional", "too intense"; Oh yes, trust me, I am both emotional and intense, but who are you to say it's TOO much? Has the thought ever occurred to those people that perhaps they are "too" disconnected from themselves, from their spirit, from the universe as a whole? Probably not, or else they wouldn't be casting such shallow judgments on others.

I'm recovering well and am back to work today, and I am actually looking forward to stepping back into my role as an advocate for the women in our house, because I have a very renewed sense of myself and my purpose. I know why I'm here, I know who I am and I know that what I am doing is very real, not only to me, but to those I encounter. I am just one small drop in a vast ocean of possibility, yes, but I have the ability and the responsibility to create ripples that will turn into mighty waves.

In Time

In time we learn how to weather the struggles life throws our way.
In time we understand that This too shall pass;
But for awhile, it's all new, all consuming and so very painful.
As I stand witness to my daughter's first heartbreak with a boy, I can feel my own heart gripped like a vice. It's a flashback of my own past, and my own questionable choices with men and relationships over time. Is this my fault as well? Are her choices now a reflection of what she saw the woman in her life do as she grew up? Or is this just how life goes?

I can see so clearly how this can be fixed, I can drop my pearls of experience and share my own lessons learned, but no matter how well intended and full of life's Wisdom I am, I can't fix this for her, I can only stand by with open arms and a listening ear to catch her when either she finally has enough of the pain, or he pushes her out completely and leaves her alone.
It feels like a real double edged sword because if he does it, that leaves her even more vulnerable and hurt because she cannot understand WHY she wasn't good enough to be his girl; if she cuts the chord and walks away she begins to find her worth and understand her value, and even though it will still hurt, at least she did it for all the right reasons and can hold her head high. None of us like to feel rejected or unworthy of love. What we don't yet know at 21 is that rejections sometimes come as blessing in disguise. Time teaches us that temptations come often times to see if we will take what we have learned and use the information for our greater good or if we will ignore what we know to follow what's appealing in that moment.

In time we learn that not everyone will stay, and that's OK.
In time we accept that each person and experience that we encounter is part of our own unique experience here and will lend life lessons and opportunities to grow into ourselves; but, in the vastness between there and here, it's all we can do just to keep breathing and believe that we will be alright.

In time...just simply in time.

When Forgiveness is Enough

I taught my children as my father taught me; people will not always be good to you, Be good anyway. People will not always speak kindly to you, speak kindly anyway, and the lines I will never forget; It's easy to love those who love you, but it takes courage to love those who don't.

I think that I misinterpretted this message somewhere along the way in my life, because I have been there for/helped people that I probably should not have because of the history with them all in the name of being a kind and good hearted person, I mean heck, if Jesus can speak to people as they are killing him and bless them with love and forgiveness, I should surely be able to deal with the fact that people have wronged me, and still be a good person to them, right?  I've never been sure where to draw the line between who I should help and who I should just pray for and move on from; so when someone calls me in need, I'm there, because I genuinely care about people overall.

Sometimes we learn lessons the hard way, and I am absolutely no exception to that; I am too often set in my ways of how I feel I should conduct my life, and my good intent sends me down paths that end up being less than good for me. As I sat here today thinking about things, and how some people are just straight up ego filled assholes, I realized that my mistake all this time was in not really knowing when its okay to just not be there for someone and still be a true loving and spiritual being. I do good because it's important for me to put goodness out there into the world, I care because that's what we should do as human beings for each other, but the reality is that there really just are some people that we can give ourselves permission to close the door on and send love and light through the universe for them.
I need to be better about that, for the sake of my Self and my own heart. It hurts when you step out for someone else, even when they have hurt you in the past and they just use that opportunity to twist the knife they had already planted in your back.  I learned today.

FACEBOOK CONNECT!

Please add this page to your "Likes" and Share the page with everyone you know! Thanks!

https://www.facebook.com/novgoldxperience

When the Bough Breaks

When the Bough Breaks:

 

Life changes without our permission and most times without any notice;
It just transforms into something else in the blink of an eye.

They say everything happens for a reason, but honestly, I am still

pondering some of the moves and working to just trust that they are and have, happened for reasons that just have not become clear to me yet.
How does something that feels so completely right in a moment, turn into something that you feel you need to escape in the next? How do friendships that have been built on trust and honesty dissolve into nothingness because of that same trust and honesty?

Why do children die? Why do horrible things happen to good people? Why do heartless people get to keep existing and inflicting pain on the world?

Do you have the answers, because I sure don’t.
What I do know is that no matter what happens and how badly we want to stop moving, breathing, and managing; we cannot stop, we have to keep moving, even if it’s just one small step, one short breath or one simple heartbeat. The universe continues to flow around us, birds still sing even on the mornings that we wake up with broken hearts and puffy eyes from all the crying we did the night before. The boss still expects you to be on time for work, and dinner still needs to be cooked. Life goes on; whether you’re participating or not.

As we journey through Life, we lose lovers, friends, and pets and so much more; so much more like pride and arrogance, selfishness and greed; or at least that is the hope. Time is supposed to bring with it wisdom and humility. Maybe we lose things and people we are attached to so that we can learn that nothing is permanent here, nothing and no one is forever, but merely experiences that we navigate through to learn the things we need to learn?

What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger, right?  What if it just makes us colder? What if it makes us hateful for what someone else has that we don’t? What separates that person, from a person who just accepts each life altering moment and pushes forward?  My thought?  FAITH.

Faith is not strengthened in moments that we already know what’s coming, Faith is conceived in those moments when the staircase is dark and we can only see the step we are on. We move slowly up the stairs, not knowing what awaits us on the next one, but we step anyway.

When we stop expecting that Life will always play fair, we begin to get somewhere; we accept, through tears and heavy hearts that friends grow apart, lovers fall out of love, and people die. We don’t accept it because it makes a damn bit of sense, we accept it because we have come far enough to understand that now and then things just don’t make sense at first glance, and they do not always feel good, but we inhale, we exhale, and we have FAITH that the Universe has a plan and that in each challenge we face there is a gift to uncover to elevate us to the next level of our journey here.

STAY FAITHFUL- We are all in this together.

~Peace

 

 

The Word "Victim"

Webster defines a victim as:
: a person who has been attacked, injured, robbed, or killed by someone else
: a person who is cheated or fooled by someone else
: someone or something that is harmed by an unpleasant event (such as an illness or accident)

The second definition is the one I am going to focus on as I write this; a person cheated or fooled by someone else....hmmmm...So, let me ask you, if the same person/people "fool or cheat" you more than once, are you still a victim, or are you just in denial and unwilling to change? I see real victims everyday, I spend my life advocating for victims, have for as long as I can remember in one capacity or another, and I don't know that I will ever stop being frustrated by people who have the clear knowledge of what is going on, but are unmoving and unwilling to change anything. These same people will blow up and complain and become bitter people, but still, are not receptive to change, and will continue to wallow in their own self made misery.
I encounter women who stay with abusers because they are afraid that they will fail financially, women who cannot be alone so being with someone who is the source of so much upheaval and chaos is better than having to face life as a single person, and having to start over. How many times have you heard someone say, "but I don't want to have to start over and get to know someone all over again." Really? So, being constantly disrespected and let down and hurt is sooo much better than having to be brave and step out on FAITH and take a chance that there just may be more out there than what is right in front of you? I truly feel bad for people who are stuck in that mentality. No one wants to get hurt, or be let down, or face the disappointment in the dating world that maybe, yet again, this one isn't the one either, no one enjoys that, I can promise you! But what about the realization that those very same people who don't want to take the risks, are fooling themselves by not being aware of the fact that each day they stay stuck in unhealthy patterns and relationships, they let themselves down, they betray their own heart; is that more acceptable? No, it isn't.

The ugly truth about all of this, is that real victims are the children of people who are caught in this web of destruction and turmoil, and there isn't anything they can do about it. These kids are the true VICTIMS in life, because they are being drug along through the chaos and the violence and the unstable environments, against their will, and with no power to change it. Absorb that for a moment...
I was in a 17 year relationship/marriage which became toxic and dysfunctional, and I was unhappy and drowning emotionally. I did all I could for years to put on a good show for the outside world until I looked at my children and saw the hurt and the fear that it was causing them, and something in me clicked and slapped me in the face very hard. I didn't want to raise a girl who believed it was okay to lose yourself in a man and sacrifice yourself to the point of not even having your own identity, and I didn't want to raise a boy who felt that bullying and yelling and controling was the correct way to be a man. I knew that the only person who was going to be able to change all of that was me. I was scared beyond anything words could convey; I was panicked at the thought of leaving the financial security that we had created as a couple; but betraying my children, who did not ask to be in this world,and were gifted to me, was not a concept that I would even entertain, no matter what it took for me to protect them. I have wonderful family, and steadfast friends, but every single one of them knows that if it came down to them or my children, they have never and would never, have a chance. Our children do not ask to come here, we make the choice to bring them here and with that, we take on a responsability to love and protect them from harm in the world. What happens to those kids when the people/person who they count on for protection puts their well being aside and leaves them vulnerable and exposed? Statistically we know that many of them grow up addicted to drugs and/or alcohol, they take on the role of abusers or victims in their adult lives with friends and family and eventually intimate relationships; they carry on the chaos and the turmoil and the cycle continues.
I am an advocate for children above and beyond anyone, because I despise injustice, and I have no respect for those who have children and don't protect them or put them first. Being a single parent is not for the weak, as any single parent will attest to; but at the end of the day it doesn't matter that it's hard and sometimes gut wrenching, what matters is whether or not you honor that title of Mom or Dad and do what's right by your children.

An excerpt from book 3!

 -this is a small excerpt from my third book called "It's Raining Men and my Umbrella is Electrically Charged; and a hundred other ironies of living"

 

Thoughts?

What is it that feels pain and hurt when we lose someone, or when life goes left when all you wanted was right? What tells our chest to ache as we let go of ideas and fantasies of whom and what we thought life would be? Is it our ego, or is that our soul mourning? I tend to think it’s our EGO, because the Soul knows that everything is temporary here, it’s all just moments in this one time and space, and it has limits; the ego limits us.

A friend and I talk about this often; we refer to it as “sleeping” in life. Its death while you’re alive, isn’t it? It’s sad how much chaos and pain we cause ourselves when we operate from our ego.

It’s in those moments when we release ourselves from our ego and surrender to our Soul that we begin to awaken. We begin to understand this whole process of living better; we find ourselves opening up to different ideas and being thirsty for knowledge because we come to know that knowledge equals power.

As is par for this game of Chess that we call life, certain moves, experiences, people and places will create a great shift in our lives, offering something that is new and needed in that very moment, changing us, forcing one of two things to happen, we grow or we get stuck. I’ve been blessed by experiences and people that forever altered me, in ways that are almost too amazing for words, but something in me is compelled to try.

I wake up each morning, and as I stand to brush my teeth or wash my hands at the bathroom sink, I read a prayer that I have typed and taped to my mirror, and something that a stranger wrote in a writing group a great many years ago, and I always walk away feeling renewed in some sense, like maybe I stand a little taller and hold my head a bit higher than I did when I first went into the bathroom. I make the time to make the connection to my Divine Source, not just in that moment in the mirror, but often throughout my day.

Beyonce’, in an interview once said, “God is real. God is in me, God is in all of us” Truer words have not been spoken. We are all born with a God Center, whatever you refer to that Energy as is not nearly as important as the underlying message of love, light and support that we feel when we awaken to that Divine Connection within us. Along with that awareness comes a journey into FAITH- that unseen force that teaches us about trust and patience; and from there the world opens up to us in so many ways.

I am a woman who lives very instinctually, I always have to some degree, I’m just noticing that it is more and more in tune as I move from day to day and through different experiences in my life. I’ve made choices and decisions based upon my “gut feeling” more times than not, and I know, have scared my mother half to death at times; but in those moments that I have listened and moved when prompted, I never regret, but I always come away altered and wiser. I’ve come to think of those instinctual feelings as communication between my Self and the Higher Energies that I am connected to; my angels, spirit guides and God and Goddess. If I listen, they are always offering me guidance, but as life does now and then, things get loud and Ego steps in and tries to run the show and in those moments I stumble, sometimes I trip and fall all the way to my knees and right then I pause;  I surrender and I listen.

I say all of that, to say this; nothing that we experience is an accident, there is no such thing as coincidence. If I tell my Self everyday that today will be a horrible day, the universe will set in motion all of the horrible things it can, just to prove me right; so that I can say with justified agony, “See! I was right, this was a horrible day!” On the other hand, if I tell my Self that today will be a great day, and that no matter what is thrown at me along the way I will prevail because I am Divinely guided and always protected, I will end the day with a smile and a sense of content gratitude, because maybe today wasn’t a perfect day, but it was a day worthy of being thankful for regardless. We create and manifest that which we desire, we draw to us that which we give our energy and focus to; The Law of Attraction. It’s as real as the nose on your face, I promise you. My life has been a constant testament to this premise.

 

Is This Thing On?

It's been awhile since I have posted here,not because I haven't been writing, but more because I am working on my 3rd book project and putting most of my time into that and not posting anything real new, so that when the book comes out, it will be fresh and untouched; an element of surprise, if you will.

But as I was sitting here drinking my coffee today, I decided that maybe I had some things to jot down and share with you all, my faithful readers.
First of all and most importantly- I want to say that GOD IS AMAZING!  My Aunt was just recently diagnosed with Breast cancer, and underwent surgery and came out like the fighting champ she is, doing well and on her way to a speedy recovery. The last picture I saw of her was from a hospital bed giving the thumbs up. I love her courage and I am so very thankful that she is doing alright.

I've been doing alot of reading about the Law of Attraction again; understanding moreso than ever that we create the experience that we have in life by the energy we give to our thoughts. I'm still learning, and I'm still guilty of getting stuck in a thought I don't want to think or in a mood that I would rather not expend any of my energy on, but I know that I have made and continue to make progress in directing my thoughts to positive moves and goals. I think we all go into a new year with our hearts filled with giant hope about what that year will bring us, and a sigh of relief as we leave the old shit behind;but how long does that feeling of hopefulness last you? For me,it usually made it through January, and then after that it was like, oh yea, here we are again, same shit different day, right?  When 2014 rolled around though, I was in a whole different mind set, a very strong one that this was going to be a great year for me, I could literally feel it! And as of right now, that feeling is as strong as ever, it's just a matter of drawing myself a map.

The message I wanted to share with all of this is simple;
BE HERE NOW; but keep building steps and keep taking them one at a time until you reach the destination mark on the map, where-ever that may be on your map.
Be MINDFUL of your thoughts; Be full of simple GRATITUDE. I say Thank You every time I am blessed with a hot bubble bath, because I know there are some who go without. Be JOYFUL as you lay down in your bed at night because there are those who sleep on the hard ground.
We draw to us what we put out; the simple Law of Attraction. What kind of life do YOU want?

Let Go

We do things in life that aren’t always explainable; we make decisions that are not always in our best interest, and are sometimes just down right self abusive; but why?

 

A young lady asked me last night “why do I want to call him, why do I keep thinking about the good times and the times that he made me feel happy and made me laugh, instead of staying focused on the abuse he put me through?”  I sat there looking at her as if she had just asked me a million dollar question.

How many times have I asked myself that question with regards to intimate relationships, friendships, or even family relationships?  The popular, ignorant answer given by many is; that we are weak minded. Yes, I said that. I have been told by people over time that the only reason someone stays or goes back to an abusive partner/lifestyle, is because they are weak.  Funny how that statement has come out of the mouths of people who claim to be so spiritual and so all knowing, when obviously they are just as misguided as everyone else. Go figure!

 The real answer is that we go back to people who have hurt us, betrayed us and let us down for as many reasons as there are people; albeit financial need/stability, children, no where else to go maybe, and of course LOVE. Emotionally, we allow ourselves to be abused by friends, family, partners from a sense of unworthiness to have any better, or from a dysfunctional psychological state that just craves what is familiar as opposed to having to forge new ground and take new risks. The old way may hurt and be less than we want or even need, but we are familiar with it and within that, we find some sort of “safety”.  We get caught by the “honeymoon phases” and we feel hopeful that the last time will be the last time that they say such hurtful things to us, or hit us, etc…

Letting go is hard, rebuilding from scratch on friendships and intimate relationships is scary! We have to learn someone new, we have to plant new seeds and wait to see if they will sprout, and it can all be quite intimidating! 

Sometimes, we actually do separate from the abusive people and situations, only to find ourselves too afraid to peek out of the self contained box we have built for ourselves for fear of being hurt all over again by someone else.

I’ve had to get my feelings hurt over time, my heart trampled upon, and my trust destroyed; I’ve cried a million tears, raged and wallowed in the why me’s, but all of that brought me to this moment, today.

 

I am in no way on a perfect path in this life, but I have come to love myself enough to know how to walk away from anyone and everything that does not serve a worthy purpose in my life. That is really what it all comes down to; learning how to love and respect yourself enough to refuse anything less from others.

Today, it is my prayer that we ALL learn how to love and respect ourselves enough that we will not allow ourselves to be the victim of anyone else’s hatred, insecurity and selfishness again.

 

©2013.NOVEMBERGOLD.All Rights Reserved. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Giving Thanks...

It's not quite Thanksgiving Day yet, and I have already been blessed to have two dinners. My very non-traditional family dinner, where we just decide when WE want to make it a holiday meal and we just do it.(Let me add that I love that about my family!)
And then tonight at my job we cooked for our residents who have no family or no other places to be and meals to share with loved ones or friends. It was such a joy to share in that with those ladies and their children and I felt honored to be part of it all.
Domestic violence is so much larger than we understand, hell so much more than I even comprehended; and I sat with those families tonight I was reminded of how blessed and bountiful my life is, even without all of the things I think are so important.
I am not faced with sleeping on the streets, or having to walk in the cold to get where I need to be, because I have been blessed to have a roof of my own over my head and a car to drive, and clothes on my back to keep me warm. My children are safe and sound and cared for in their lives, my friends and the rest of my family are sheltered and surrounded by love; truly blessed  we all are.

Life is hard as hell and I wouldn't dare sit here and try to convince anyone of anything else; but in the midst of the struggles, we find joys as well; even in the sheer simplicity of a hug or an ear to listen we are comforted.
I personally have so many reasons to feel thankful tonight...and it is my wish for all of us that we continually find reasons to be thankful each day, because every day offers us something to be grateful for if we just recognize it.

Happy Thanksgiving One & All- May your bellies be full and laughter and love be plentiful among you.
Be blessed and be a blessing as you go....
:)

The Gift of Social Media-

The Gift of Social Media-

 

As I sat skimming through posts on facebook this morning, peeking into the pieces of life that my friends and family share, I was struck by a post. I will say that this person has been an inspiration to me since I met him, and as I got to know his heart, I knew that one day a woman would be one of the luckiest in the world to be at his side. I’ve never met her, although one day I know that I will, but even just the small glimpses of life that they share online, tells me that she is a very special lady, and that not only is she a lucky woman, but he is a very blessed man to have her and he makes no secret of his love and devotion to her, their families and the life they are building together. This wouldn’t be the first time this man has inspired me to write, and it most likely will not be the last, because his never ending enthusiasm for life and forward progress is awe inspiring to any and all he crosses paths with in life, and even through social media he continues to strive in what he calls; his Journey Above Poverty. I feel blessed to call him my friend.

Then a picture popped up of a father and son; another person who has been part of my life’s story and the expression of love and happiness on both their faces, made my heart overflow with love and joy for them. There is no love like the love we get and receive from our children, and the love that we give them is some of the purest love I have ever known personally.

As much as technology aggravates me at times, and escapes my simple understanding, I have come to appreciate my morning coffee and facebook because even across miles and in the midst of our busy lives, there is still this magical connection to those who matter to us.

It makes me happy to see people that I have known for years and spent my childhood with raising beautiful families and living in happy marriages, fulfilling dreams and enjoying and loving life and each other, I enjoy the new friendships that have been started and are being built day by day. I appreciate the support that we give back and forth during good times and bad; the strength and sense of empowerment that we give to one another through our posts and just simply the very fact that I can be part of each of your lives, even if it’s not in person as much as we’d like.

Please know that I see you, I’m always praying for you, for all of us, and that I thank you all for the inspiration, support and friendship that is showered upon me daily by some amazing human beings in my life!

Have a very blessed day, and be a blessing as you go!

©2013.NOVEMBERGOLD.All Rights Reserved. 

 

Two Sides

TWO SIDES

 

I felt you pushing on the door

But all I could do was stand on the other side

refusing to allow it to open all the way;

It was a moment of choices and I had to choose the right one.

Almost like a predator you prey upon my kindness

And take me for granted, always knowing when to strike

as though you smell the vulnerability on me.

I don’t believe in accidents, so I know that I am here again

For a reason; once again facing test day.

I have two choices now as I stand

on the other side of this door with you;

I can take the road that is predictable, even though

It won’t be good for me, or maybe even for you, it will

At least be familiar; or I can quietly just walk away

And leave you standing there alone to face your own hellish

demons without being able to use me as a buffer.

 

 One requires courage and strength from me

While the other just seems so easy; but then

The realization strikes with brute force and tells me

That to concede once more will bring me no peace,

Only more let down and disappointment,

because at the end of the day this really isn’t about you at all-

It is about Me and what I will allow in my life.

 In a moment, I inhaled and let it slowly drift out,

Breathing out doubt and self defeating thoughts;

And then quietly I moved away from the door

and left you alone on the other side of it.

You can push it open, I just won’t be there waiting

on the other side  this time.

I’m choosing me over you; I’m choosing forward progress over chaos.

I choose to love myself enough to make the right choice

Because I know that any other option will

Keep me grounded in one spot and I cannot

Move forward with my feet stuck in quicksand.

 

07/2013

©2013.NOVEMBERGOLD.All Rights Reserved. 

 

What You Think You Know- conclusion

 

With every woman and young girl who has crossed my path over the past 10 years, I am reminded of how important it is to nurture each other, to support one another and to empower one another. I’m not talking about women’s liberation here, I am talking about tending to our hearts, and tending to our souls and helping each other heal through life’s struggles and pains, instead of being petty and insecure and living behind walls of fear and resentment and jealousy. All of that serves no purpose in reaching higher ground; it will keep one stuck in quicksand.

I have watched a 17 year relationship crumble. I have been cheated on and lied to. I have been raped and sexually abused. I have been emotionally abused. I have been verbally abused. I have allowed myself to be used by people who weren’t worth the salt in my tears; I have allowed people to take up space and time in my precious life that didn’t have any intention of caring about anything other than themselves and what they could get.

I have been you; and somebody else, a wiser more seasoned woman is looking at me and saying the same thing.

I post what I post because I am surrounded by beautiful women who don’t know how beautiful and worthy they are, so they remain in relationships that do not serve them well, or they allow themselves to be the side chic or just one of many on his list of “to-do’s”—I post them because I have been you, and all it takes is for the right moment when things click to realize your worth, and to realize all of the ways you are blocking your own progress, and stagnating your own soul. Sometimes it takes another woman to stand in your presence and be a mirror so that you can see; who you are and what you are doing now, but more- who you can be, who you are meant to be, with some sunlight and water.

It’s important to me to love women, to offer nurturing where I can, and allow them to nurture me. I’m not blaming men, I’m merely standing up to say that unless and until we as women, learn how to love and support one another, empower one another without fear or agenda, we will continue to feel victimized by those who are careless with our hearts, and undeserving of our time. I post what I post to heal us; all of us.

09/©2013.NOVEMBERGOLD.All Rights Reserved. 

 

What You Think You Know- part one

I am a face book junkie- its how I start my mornings as I drink my coffee and wander through the lives of those I care about. I love that technology has given us so much ability to stay connected to one another over miles and miles in between us.

Everyone has their reasons, and needs for the social site, some people just like the connection that it offers to those we love and miss who are too far to just go sit and visit with, some people like it for the attention they can draw to themselves with whatever methods they choose on any given day, and some people need it to air dirty laundry on a daily basis and make sure that the world knows how “victimized” they are. Ho Hum.

Whatever it is for each person is for them to understand, we all have the option of taking people off of our newsfeeds, deleting them all together or a multitude of other ways to rid ourselves of that which we don’t feel we want to see, or need to know about others.

For ME- fb has become a place to reach others with positive messages, empowering messages, I find myself drawn to other pages and sites that feed the need in me for forward progress, the ones that nurture something in me that needs healing- and those that keep me connected to my source with reminders and beautiful images of the light within. The funny thing about it all is that I will get messages sometimes asking me if things are ok, or if someone has “hurt me” because of something I will “share” or a quote I will pass on….Yeah, the irony is that people think they know who you are and what you are about or going through by the things they see you post.
I’m ready to enlighten you all to something-

I am good, but I have been through things. I am strong, but I have been knocked on my ass at times, I’ve loved and been betrayed by those who I believed loved me back, but I am better because of it.

I don’t post all of those things for myself everyday; I post those things because I truly believe that we as human beings need to stop being so selfish and self centered and understand that the more we are open and giving to the world around us, the more healed and centered in the right things we become. I believe in being that which I hope to receive; and I believe that we all go through things to make us wiser and stronger so that we can share what we know with each other and grow one another, instead of stifle and hold down.

I was never very trusting or open to relationships with women, until I met my best friend in 2003. She started out as my manager at a job that I practically begged for as I was going through my divorce, I don’t think either of us realized how our lives were about to be changed by one another, but being part of that group of women in that small store taught me about the love of women and how powerful it is, and with each passing day, I know that the love I share with her, my sister, my confidante, my best friend is something that I don’t ever want to be without again.

I became a sexual assault advocate in 2010, and sat in groups of women listening to the stories and feeling their pain, because I was one of them, we shared pain, we shared fear, but more importantly, we shared victory, because we are SURVIVORS, not victims.
(continue to part 2)

HAPPY

I sat here this morning feeling so damn content; and then I asked myself,

“Self? Why are you so happy today?”

(Yes, I do talk to my Self often…stop laughing!)

 

Well, then Self said, “Why shouldn’t I be happy? I woke up this morning from a restful nights sleep, which means I received a gift first thing this morning, and it isn’t a holiday or my birthday, it is just another day that the creator has given me to step up and give it one more go.” 

I thought about that for a second, but then I said,
“but we’re broke, and the car isn’t running right, and we’re alone, and , and, an….”

 Self smiled at me and gently put a finger to my lips to hush me; “We aren’t broke, we have everything we need today, food, shelter, a job that we love, friends who love us genuinely, family that we treasure, our health and our smile; everything else is just extra’s that will come in the perfect time; in the time that is right when we need it, not just because we want it. Don’t get stuck on those things that this material world convinces us are necessary;  see beyond your eyes and hear beyond your ears so that you may recognize the wealth that you have within you and around you.”

 

I sat quietly absorbing all of that and realized how right my Self was. I have a million reasons to feel this way and I am going to bask in it. J

I am doing something I love, and I am affecting others with my compassionate heart and my smile; and I see it everyday in the way I am greeted when I walk into the house at work, I feel it when I receive those random texts from my kids that say “I LOVE YOU”, I know it beyond the shadow of a doubt when those real friends in my life take time to let me know they care, and are in my corner in this world. I know it when I feel the very real energy of those who are gone from this physical world, but never leave me and always let me know just when I need it. I know true happiness when those who I have counted on and trusted in have let me down and betrayed my kind heart, because I still pray for their happiness and well being everyday, and I pray for the part of them that so easily hurts other with their callousness and self centered ways to be healed, because I refuse to give in to hate and animosity; neither of those serve me well.
As I listen to my daughter talk about her time at the fire department, her elation overflows and to hear her say “I am so happy when I am there, I know that’s where I am meant to be” My heart swells with pride because I want nothing more than for my children to know contentment and peace in this chaotic world, but also because it is a beautiful thing that she has chosen to go out into this world and be a part of making other people better; little does she know that just her presence is healing in and of itself and anyone blessed enough to be around her is already better because of it.

The cat box needs changing, and the laundry needs finishing among other random things on my list of to-do’s, but John Mayer is singing and the sun is shining, and I AM LOVE. I AM LOVED. And somewhere the water is calling me to come and sit peacefully with it today, so seek I shall for that quiet place with my Self and the water, and rejoice in all of the gifts that I have and the beauty that I feel within. It is my wish today that I share this feeling directly and indirectly with every person I cross paths with and every experience I find myself in today.

Love, Light and Peace to all of you, and to me and my Self JJJ

 

 

 

Reach & Grow

I walked out of work last night reading a text from my daughter, “Mom, Krissy is leaving for school tomorrowL” In that moment I felt my own heart take a little bit of a dive, not for the same reasons, but because it sent a flash of memories through my mind of this beautiful little girl with the sweet smile, and the stark realization that she is not a little girl anymore, she is a young woman embarking on a whole new course of life. I have had the pleasure of knowing her since birth, and although from a distance for the past ten years, I have still been gifted with her presence and spirit, directly and indirectly, through her best friend, my daughter. It’s a whole new chapter of life, but one that I am sure will bring her so much joy and life experience!
I know that my baby girl is hurting and conflicted with sadness and pride and love for her cousin and best friend; and that part of it gets me a little emotional because I hate that for her, but secretly, or not so much, I am hoping it brings her closer to her mom too, because now my amazing niece will be just a few miles away attending the awesome UWGB. J

 

This morning my best friend called me on her way to take her son, one of my favorite men in the world, to college. I listened to her talk about her concerns for him, her pride in him, her overall love as a mother and it made me smile. And keeping with Walton devotion, like I have always known this family to have, grandma and grandpa were in one vehicle, mom and Al in another, and Andy driving his own as they made the journey to the dorms. I pictured the convoy in my mind and it made me smile; no matter what they all endure, I have never known a family so completely and constantly devoted to one another and to taking care of each other the way they do; perhaps part of why I am so blessed to be considered part of that family. I have watched Andy grow over the last 10 ½ years, and go through growing pains emotionally, through phases of exploration and reflection, and as I sat with him last October when his little sister passed and I had a conversation with him, I realized even more what an amazing and intelligent young man he is and how blessed his family, his friends and the world are to have him. My life has been blessed by his heart and his depth and I am so proud of him.

 After all of the sentimental reflection and the trip down memory lane with each of these young’uns in my mind; my Mom side kicked in and I thought about the anguish that we as mothers have as we watch our children leave home and begin something without us, something that we wont always have control over, something that is beyond great for the kids, but so terrifying to a mom as we let go. I listened to my best friend, my sister, my greatest ally, and my heart swelled for her, because not once did I hear her talk about herself even though I know she is feeling this so deeply inside. I’ve already taken this step with my children and have had to watch them leave and start on their own and the goodbyes never get easier for me when they come and go again; but I take comfort in the fact that life is like this; it offers us chances to reach and grow every minute and that isn’t limited to age or background, its something we ALL get to go through.

I am SO proud of you Andy and Kristina! I am so beyond happy for you that you are not afraid to step out of your comfort zones and go explore what life has waiting for you! I have no doubt that this will be just one of your many journey’s in life that will forever change and bless you as long as you over come fear and walk head up and chest out into the world and say HERE I AM; LET’S DO THIS!

 And to the 2 beautiful Mom’s who are growing through this too; Be Strong and know that you aren’t really letting go, you’re just giving them room to roam and find themselves, but they will always know the way back home and no distance or obstacles in between will cut the ties that keep a mother and child connected.

My Love to all of you-

08/29/13

GOD Moments

Have you said, “Oh my God, my rent is due and I have no idea how to pay it!”
And then suddenly you find yourself blessed with the money to pay your rent, or to buy food, etc…coincidence?
I don’t believe so, I believe those to be GOD Moments; moments when He shows up and takes care of you like a good Father does, they are also given as reassurances that we are being heard, that our struggles are not going unnoticed and we are NOT ALONE.
I have been having more and more of them lately; or maybe I am just more aware of them than I have ever been, which is probably more accurate. This morning as I am sitting here writing this, another one has come; my daughter just got a new job which is much needed and hopefully the beginning of a new phase of her life, a more positive phase.

I am also about to begin a new phase of my working life; one that I have worked hard for, and I have remained steadfast over the past year as I have applied on several occasions at this facility only to be turned down for someone else. I went in this time applying for one shift a week, with the mindset that at least I will get my foot in the door and be able to show them what I have to offer them, 2 weeks later in the executive directors office, I am offered a full on position with them! Talk about timing!

I visited an old friend yesterday and talked about Faith, family, how precious life is etc…this friend is currently without physical freedom, but is learning to free his mind and embrace something new that he has never known, inner peace and tranquility, and a sense that if he remains Faithful, he will be blessed. Had it not been for him asking that I please come to see him, I would not have, out of my own lack of courage and because it’s easier for me to deal with his pain through a letter once a week, as opposed to facing his current reality, but I was directed there yesterday morning as I found myself detouring from grocery shopping to make a quick stop there. When we first saw each other, I felt the outpouring of love that I have always had for this man; he is truly one of the best people who has ever blessed my world and I will always hold great love in my heart for him. His smile and his surprise were all I needed to know that I had made the right choice; I’m not even sure I made it, I just drove the car and someone else was steering it. Even in the smallest of signs I knew God had orchestrated this meeting; the usual 30 minute visit was allowed to run over into an hour, and we laughed and sometimes we just sat there looking at each other smiling; we always said so much that way to each other, through our eyes, I love that about us; it’s just simple and comfortable. As we rose to part ways, he told me how seeing me had made his day and made him feel good; made him feel cared for, he said. He thinks that I gifted him, but what I know to be true is that GOD gifted us both.

It is my hope for everyone reading this that you find the ability to be awake to God Moments, because they happen ALL the time, it’s really just a matter of whether you’re listening and paying attention or not. ;)

©2013.NOVEMBERGOLD.All Rights Reserved. 

 

One of those days

Today is one of those days when my mind is swimming and the unanswered questions lurk like a predator in the dark.
The one thing I have to keep reminding myself of is this...My FAITH is bigger than any problem this world can give me, it's just a matter of reminding myself of that over and over again.

Today I pray for a friend who just lost her son; in the blink of an eye life is taken just as easily as it was given and it is the "not knowing when" our time is up that makes me want to reach higher in each moment and to consistently work to be better than I was, because I do not want to live with regrets and even more I never want to regret the things I should have said, or could have experienced if only I would have been brave. In anothers loss, I am awakened to the fragility by which we exist; the next moment is never promised to us.

Tomorrow is Emily's birthday, and people that I love will celebrate her life, and hurt over the empty place she left. The comfort that I have though is that she never leaves, she is always lingering near watching out and directing the steps of those she left behind, including me. She says she sits with me at night because I am comforting to her and little does she realize that just that knowledge alone inspires me to stay connected to the light inside of me, because if her angelic spirit finds comfort in me, it tells me that there is something good in me, something that she can feel and see; I feel like I owe it to her to rise above the chaos and disorder in and around me and be the woman I was created to be. I want to stay worthy of her love and light in my life, and show appreciation by doing the work I need to do. Thank you for your presence and your love in my life little girl-

It's a writing kind of day- writing, music and meditation...I am merely the vessel thorugh which you flow- I surrender.

©2013.NOVEMBERGOLD.All Rights Reserved. 

The Gold Xperience: The Morning After

The Gold Xperience: The Morning After: July 14,2013   I woke up this morning and sat down to write with tears in my eyes; how can life be so fickle? I spent the day w...