An Infinitely Blessed Life

Yes, that is what my life is; and today I married that notion, I committed to believing because my life, even through the struggles, is a living example of the universes way of listening and responding.
I got a tattoo that I feel like I was guided right to by my angels and the energies in my life. I have been wanting more tattoos for awhile now and have had a hard timing figuring out what I wanted and where I wanted it placed, so I have put a lot of thought into what I wanted to commit to for the rest of my life; I take that idea very seriously, so I meditated last night about it, and then I began perusing the internet for the images that I could use to create what I needed.
I printed pages out, cut out the pictures that spoke to me, and then began thinking about the story I wanted to tell with the ink work I am about to have painted symbolically on my skin. For me, the purpose of a tattoo is to tell a story with it, to symbolize something that moved me so powerfully in my life that I want it permanently painted on me.

I was humbled again last night by the pure love and gratitude of a child; I woke up today knowing exactly which design to go with and where I wanted it to be put as a constant reminder of how blessed my life is infinitely. :)

 And here is the final artwork;

 

Blessings Disguised as Trials and Tribulations

Who would have thought that one week ago when I became so ill with this respiratory crap, I would look upon it as a blessing? A what? Yes, I said that, A BLESSING.
Let me explain; I was experiencing a burn-out in ways that I wasn't even directly aware of right away, work burn out, life burn out, all of it; I was drowning in emotions that I felt like I had no control over and knew not where the hell they were even emanating from. I did a good job of smiling in public, making small talk with friends, and carrying on as usual to the everyday world; inside however was a whole other universe whirling; one of stress, fatigue, loneliness and overall questioning. I was questioning everything! Why am I here? Why is everything so damn hard, while others just seem to skate through life unscathed? I had family and friends going through horrible things to which I could do nothing but sit by and helplessly watch and silently pray, but then the light at the end of the tunnel showed itself to me and I understood more.

I was forced off of work, forced to be still, and forced to allow my body to physically just stop and rest; I truly had no choice because in the moments that I thought I was stronger than some damn sickness my body said "screw you, we got you on this one, sit down!" and sit down I did. 

I dove head first into my second weeks of classes and found myself flipping page after page consumed in such a good way by the information in front of me. I've never been big on history, (which I know is not cool, because a lot of it is really some good information), but I was understanding so much more about human behaviors and the processes by which we operate that I couldn't help but just keep going; and going...It brought to light so many factors in my own life in regards to my job, the people I work with and for, and to the world around me and my place in it. I'm not "normal" (what the hell is normal anyway, and who defines what is normal?) and I am SO okay with that. I don't deal with life on a surface level, I feel it inside. It's funny as I think about the people along the way who have had no real understanding and have labeled me as "too emotional", "too intense"; Oh yes, trust me, I am both emotional and intense, but who are you to say it's TOO much? Has the thought ever occurred to those people that perhaps they are "too" disconnected from themselves, from their spirit, from the universe as a whole? Probably not, or else they wouldn't be casting such shallow judgments on others.

I'm recovering well and am back to work today, and I am actually looking forward to stepping back into my role as an advocate for the women in our house, because I have a very renewed sense of myself and my purpose. I know why I'm here, I know who I am and I know that what I am doing is very real, not only to me, but to those I encounter. I am just one small drop in a vast ocean of possibility, yes, but I have the ability and the responsibility to create ripples that will turn into mighty waves.

HAPPY

I sat here this morning feeling so damn content; and then I asked myself,

“Self? Why are you so happy today?”

(Yes, I do talk to my Self often…stop laughing!)

 

Well, then Self said, “Why shouldn’t I be happy? I woke up this morning from a restful nights sleep, which means I received a gift first thing this morning, and it isn’t a holiday or my birthday, it is just another day that the creator has given me to step up and give it one more go.” 

I thought about that for a second, but then I said,
“but we’re broke, and the car isn’t running right, and we’re alone, and , and, an….”

 Self smiled at me and gently put a finger to my lips to hush me; “We aren’t broke, we have everything we need today, food, shelter, a job that we love, friends who love us genuinely, family that we treasure, our health and our smile; everything else is just extra’s that will come in the perfect time; in the time that is right when we need it, not just because we want it. Don’t get stuck on those things that this material world convinces us are necessary;  see beyond your eyes and hear beyond your ears so that you may recognize the wealth that you have within you and around you.”

 

I sat quietly absorbing all of that and realized how right my Self was. I have a million reasons to feel this way and I am going to bask in it. J

I am doing something I love, and I am affecting others with my compassionate heart and my smile; and I see it everyday in the way I am greeted when I walk into the house at work, I feel it when I receive those random texts from my kids that say “I LOVE YOU”, I know it beyond the shadow of a doubt when those real friends in my life take time to let me know they care, and are in my corner in this world. I know it when I feel the very real energy of those who are gone from this physical world, but never leave me and always let me know just when I need it. I know true happiness when those who I have counted on and trusted in have let me down and betrayed my kind heart, because I still pray for their happiness and well being everyday, and I pray for the part of them that so easily hurts other with their callousness and self centered ways to be healed, because I refuse to give in to hate and animosity; neither of those serve me well.
As I listen to my daughter talk about her time at the fire department, her elation overflows and to hear her say “I am so happy when I am there, I know that’s where I am meant to be” My heart swells with pride because I want nothing more than for my children to know contentment and peace in this chaotic world, but also because it is a beautiful thing that she has chosen to go out into this world and be a part of making other people better; little does she know that just her presence is healing in and of itself and anyone blessed enough to be around her is already better because of it.

The cat box needs changing, and the laundry needs finishing among other random things on my list of to-do’s, but John Mayer is singing and the sun is shining, and I AM LOVE. I AM LOVED. And somewhere the water is calling me to come and sit peacefully with it today, so seek I shall for that quiet place with my Self and the water, and rejoice in all of the gifts that I have and the beauty that I feel within. It is my wish today that I share this feeling directly and indirectly with every person I cross paths with and every experience I find myself in today.

Love, Light and Peace to all of you, and to me and my Self JJJ

 

 

 

GOD Moments

Have you said, “Oh my God, my rent is due and I have no idea how to pay it!”
And then suddenly you find yourself blessed with the money to pay your rent, or to buy food, etc…coincidence?
I don’t believe so, I believe those to be GOD Moments; moments when He shows up and takes care of you like a good Father does, they are also given as reassurances that we are being heard, that our struggles are not going unnoticed and we are NOT ALONE.
I have been having more and more of them lately; or maybe I am just more aware of them than I have ever been, which is probably more accurate. This morning as I am sitting here writing this, another one has come; my daughter just got a new job which is much needed and hopefully the beginning of a new phase of her life, a more positive phase.

I am also about to begin a new phase of my working life; one that I have worked hard for, and I have remained steadfast over the past year as I have applied on several occasions at this facility only to be turned down for someone else. I went in this time applying for one shift a week, with the mindset that at least I will get my foot in the door and be able to show them what I have to offer them, 2 weeks later in the executive directors office, I am offered a full on position with them! Talk about timing!

I visited an old friend yesterday and talked about Faith, family, how precious life is etc…this friend is currently without physical freedom, but is learning to free his mind and embrace something new that he has never known, inner peace and tranquility, and a sense that if he remains Faithful, he will be blessed. Had it not been for him asking that I please come to see him, I would not have, out of my own lack of courage and because it’s easier for me to deal with his pain through a letter once a week, as opposed to facing his current reality, but I was directed there yesterday morning as I found myself detouring from grocery shopping to make a quick stop there. When we first saw each other, I felt the outpouring of love that I have always had for this man; he is truly one of the best people who has ever blessed my world and I will always hold great love in my heart for him. His smile and his surprise were all I needed to know that I had made the right choice; I’m not even sure I made it, I just drove the car and someone else was steering it. Even in the smallest of signs I knew God had orchestrated this meeting; the usual 30 minute visit was allowed to run over into an hour, and we laughed and sometimes we just sat there looking at each other smiling; we always said so much that way to each other, through our eyes, I love that about us; it’s just simple and comfortable. As we rose to part ways, he told me how seeing me had made his day and made him feel good; made him feel cared for, he said. He thinks that I gifted him, but what I know to be true is that GOD gifted us both.

It is my hope for everyone reading this that you find the ability to be awake to God Moments, because they happen ALL the time, it’s really just a matter of whether you’re listening and paying attention or not. ;)

©2013.NOVEMBERGOLD.All Rights Reserved. 

 

The Morning After

July 14,2013

 

I woke up this morning and sat down to write with tears in my eyes; how can life be so fickle? I spent the day with my son and daughter in law, and a terrific friend and came home riding the high from my day; to hear a verdict of not guilty in the Zimmerman/Martin case. My heart sunk, the outrage took over and I felt myself feeling uncomfortable in my own skin. Why? Because I’m white, and for a moment I believed that this was about color, but this morning, I realize it’s far deeper than that; it’s about the horrific flaws in this system of “justice” that we have in this country. It’s not because he was a young black man, because if that were the case, why did FLA let Casey Anthony go after the world knew damn well she killed her children; they were all white.  White parents, Mexican parents, native parents, NO ONE is excluded in this ugliness of the world, we all lose! And I know in my heart that across the U.S people of all colors were supporting this young man and his family, we didn’t see color, we saw the loss of an innocent life, period. I read things this morning about how this is the white folks getting back at the blacks for the O.J case. I scratch my head and wonder how feeding this line of thinking is going to get us anywhere good?  I responded to an online forum and was told that because I was white I didn’t understand and never would. Really!?

 

Let me clarify something; I am a MOTHER, that trumps your damn skin color bullshit, I’m tired of all this bitching about race, stand up and DO something about all of the injustices you feel instead of pointing fingers I know this world is biased in some ways, but we are not ever going to invoke change by sitting on our hands and letting it victimize us, stand up and be heard! DO something to bring about positive change with all of that emotional energy! Russell Simmons said that last night, “we must remain peaceful. No matter what, remain peaceful. If you have anger this evening, put that energy into challenging these horrible laws that allow overly-anxious neighborhood watchmen to carry guns and shoot innocent people.”

 

A man and a woman lost a son, it doesn’t take being the same race for anyone to understand that, it takes a heart, and human compassion; I had just spent the day with my son, don’t think I didn’t sit here last night imagining the horror of him being gone. We cannot let this become more unrest amongst us, we cannot let the ugliness of the world win, we have to rise up and come together and instead of people like Treyvon, MLK & so many others dying in vain, we need to bring about unity and change!!!

 

Stop fighting one another, stop feeding it, and stop being victimized by any of it, RISE UP AND UNITE in positive ways to change the world we live in! I don’t have the answers or the blueprint, but I look around and I listen, and I see and hear all of the ways we disrespect each other; men/women against one another, black women against white women, and the list goes on and on, its not stopping any of it, it is perpetuating it! Why don’t we recognize that?  We cannot stop hatred with more hatred, we cannot stop racism with more racial tension, we cannot teach non-violence when we are violent…Maybe this is a test to see how far we have come as a people; maybe it has less to do with the dysfunctional justice system and more to do with a Higher Power testing us to see if we will learn and this time come together in peace and for peace, or whether we will let this divide us even more than we already have. We can blame whoever we want day to day for being treated less than by others, but each and every moment of every day that we are given we wake up with the ability to freely choose how we feel and WHO WE WILL BE that day. You can choose to be angry because the world is unfair to you, you can blame it on your skin color, you can blame it on your weight, but ultimately, we all have a choice to either stand for something good, or fall for something less. I choose to love and to stand for my fellow people, no matter their color, creed, etc…I CHOOSE to think good thoughts even in the midst of pain and sorrow, because I know in my heart that good always prevails over evil, in some way or another I know that it does.

 

 

George Zimmerman is not a free man today; he was dismissed of charges yes, but for the rest of his life he will look over his shoulder and not feel safe, he will fear for his family’s safety, he will never gain back the life that he knew. He didn’t really win; it’s more a matter of where we imprisoned him because he is behind bars no matter how you want to see it.

 

My heart hurts this morning, we are a society and a government full of ills, and we just keep band aiding the issues instead of actually getting in there and building something better, but I’m going to send one more prayer up for all of us right now, I’m going to pray for guidance and for love and patience and compassion because we all need it, and then I’m going to dust myself off and go out into the world be the positive change I want to see; one person, one step at a time, because it’s better than doing nothing but crying in outrage w/no movement forward.

 

R.I P Treyvon, you are truly in such a better place than this mess we are left with here…

Everyone needs to bow their heads and pray to whatever God you pray to, and send something positive out for this family, for this world, for yourself and for me; turn this into positive energy and watch change begin.

 

~Peace, Love & Light

 

 

 

Book 2!!!

And yet another dream comes to beautiful fruition!!! Here it is, a collaboration with one of my favorite writers, my Aunt Becky Corinne Strukamp!! We have talked about this moment for years, today we see it bloom! It is a mixture of y poetry/short story, and a great contribution from my bestie R.Jones, and beautiful heartfelt poetry by Becky. GOD IS SO GOOD and I AM TRULY BLESSED!

https://www.createspace.com/4355919?ref=1147694&utm_id=6026

Naked Truth

I could spend hours, days, weeks even years, plotting revenge on those who have hurt me, or let me down or done me wrong; just as all of those I have hurt, done wrong etc could plot against me. I could spend my thoughts on ways to get even, I could waste my precious moments on how I can retaliate...
At the end of the day- the only person who will answer to and for any and all of those actions, feelings, thoughts, is ME. It is MY KARMA that I will affect and taint, not theirs. I could "do you the way you did me" just because for a moment it might just feel good to lash out and hurt back so that they know how they made you feel....But, at the end of the day, it is MY KARMA I affect. There have been a lot of moments in my own life that I felt truly deserving of some revenge, moments that I was betrayed by lovers, friends co-workers so badly that I felt 100% justified in seeking some sort of sick satisfaction from hurting them back; yet I declined the offer and kept it moving.
Now some people think this is weakness, spinelessness, cowardice; I beg to differ. There are fights to fight and causes to rally around and then there are those "small things" in life that in 5 years really won't matter, hell, in 5 days it might not matter, and just aren't worth getting all up in arms over...I've learned how to pick my battles, and in a great part I thank my ex husband for that.
To say that my life is in some sort of a "shift" would be a gross understatement, I don't know what I feel most of the time, because as each day passes, I just get more numb to it all, to the point of feeling very little on most days. I'm learning to expect dishonesty and disgenuine behavior from people, and it makes me sick. I hate it. I also hate faking it and I realized this morning as I was listening to an inspirational speaker and motivator, that in order to really blossom, I have to be naked; and no, not literally. ;)
My daughter asked me not long ago, what I was most passionate about doing in my life, already knowing the answer I woudl give her, but I think she wanted me to just say it out loud so I could hear it again myself; I told her to just write and be able to live and maintain from it. I thought back to that conversation this morning and realized that as long as I am afraid of the backlash of MY truths, my perceptions of my own life and experiences, I will forever be hostage to just dreaming and hoping. I have to write nakedly and stop concerning myself with how you, or anyone else will percieve it, and it scares the ever loving shit out of me, because some of it is ugly and painful and will slap some in the face. My grandmother told me when I was 14 years old that if I did one thing for her before she died it would be to write my life out in a book. I didnt do it before she died; and I cannot change that, but I can still do it for her, for me, for anyone else who just needs the courage to take a step out for themselves regardless of how much it scares them. She told me to write my life.....one naked truth at a time.

©2013.NOVEMBERGOLD.All Rights Reserved. 

The Queen Code- Part 2 The Character of a Queen

This woman is too good not to promote her. Molesy Crawford.
Thequeencode.com

http://youtu.be/DgH-eEG5SbA

Wipe Your Eyes

 

Wipe Your Eyes

 

I stumbled upon the song accidentally as is par for the course while I am riding through my musical therapy sessions; I had grown a bit intrigued by Adam Levine from watching him on The Voice, and I have always liked most of Maroon 5’s music, but the new curiosity just led me to exploring more of it. I’ve listened to this song about 15 times in the past 12 hours; I am listening to it back to back as I am typing this, it’s funny how it went from one thing to another in meaning…all of a sudden, I realized that this was the conversation I needed to have with myself, these are the words I needed to hear, I don’t need anyone else to say them, if I just open up and allow the energy to flow to and from, I have all I need.

I’ve been feeling a lot, too much, spinning and clawing when I just need to get still and be quiet again.

 

It’s time to unplug and re-charge.

©2013.NOVEMBERGOLD.All Rights Reserved. 

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=viOEL7WAqZM&feature=share&list=LLJIrsxaeBdSGPxf_BBS0ZTQ

 

I'm afraid that I gotta what but I gotta do
But if I let you go, where you gonna go?
We gotta make it change, time to turn the page
Something isn't right, I don't wanna fight you
We've been through couple times, you know it gets worse
We can turn this around, please let me be first
And as I feel your tears spilling on my shirt
Something isn't right I don't wanna fight you

[Chorus]
Hey you, come over and let me embrace you
I know that i'm causing you pain too but
Remember if you need to cry
I'm here to wipe your eyes

Tonight before you fall asleep
I'll run my thumb across your cheek
Cry 'cause i'm here to wipe your eyes
I know I made you feel this way
You gotta breathe, we'll be okay
Cry 'cause i'm here to wipe your eyes

Oh nah nah oh nah nah nah nah
'cause i'm here to wipe your eyes
Oh nah nah oh nah nah nah nah

[Adam Levine]
When did we cross the line
How could we could forget
Why do we let the pressure get into our heads
Your broken heart requires all of my attention
'cause something isn't right I don't wanna fight you

[Chorus]
Hey you, come over and let me embrace you
I know that i'm causing you but pain too
Remember if you need to cry
I'm here to wipe your eyes

Tonight before you fall asleep
I run my thumb across your cheek
Cry 'cause i'm here to wipe your eyes
I know I made you feel this pain
You gotta breathe, we'll be okay
Cry 'cause i'm here to wipe your eyes

Please don't lose your faith;
Don't worry 'cuz I'm here to keep you safe
I promise if you let me see your face
That I won't let you down, I won't let you down

I'm here to wipe your eyes
Tonight before you fall asleep,
I'll run my thumb across your cheek
Cry, 'cause I'm here to wipe your eyes
I know I made you feel this way
You gotta breathe, we'll be okay
Cry, 'cause I'm here to wipe your eyes

Tanning Bed Illuminations: The Reasons Why

 

When things fall apart, they come together……..

 

Have you ever sat back and wondered how people have just gone from your life when at one time they were the most important ones in it?

I used to; but then I realized over time that all people aren’t meant to be forever people; no matter how much good they may do at one time or another, it won’t guarantee that they stay; it’s just their season.

I’ve met people who seem so willing to just let love fade, let friendships die, and they seem so care free as they let go and shut doors. I didn’t understand that for awhile, but again, life is great for teaching us things if we just keep our eyes and ears open, yes, but even more? We keep our sight focused on awareness. Sight is more than our eyes see, and hearing is more than our ears do. Our very soul will see and hear all that’s important if we just stay awake in our own lives.

I have become one of those people, a person who will let things just fade out naturally without trying to revive it, or reclaim it, I’m getting better at shutting doors that I used to struggle with terribly, not because my heart has gone cold, but because I am more aware than ever that if I don’t choose the company I keep carefully and spend my time doing the things that will move me forward in my life, I have no one else to find fault in when I am still stuck in this same rut 3 days, 4 months, or even years from now. It’s my job to get right in my life, it’s MY job to achieve my goals and make things better for myself, mine and my higher power. People will come and go as they need to, people who will teach you about yourself, people who will need teaching from you, but not all of them will find a permanent spot, some of them, hell maybe even most of them, will only briefly visit and then you or they, make a choice to keep moving.

 

That used to hurt me so much inside, and that’s not to say that sometimes it still doesn’t when a door closes, by my own choosing or someone else’s, but I’m learning each and every step of the way, to just accept that there is a force at work, something so much more powerful and knowing than I am, and I have to trust that whatever it is, whatever we are comfortable calling it, is so much wiser than we are about this journey we are traveling.

Certain things fall apart, so that other things can come together, because too often we linger on something or someone that no longer serves a purpose and we leave no room for the better opportunities to be presented. It’s all a matter of flowing WITH life, instead of trying to control and manipulate it the way we think it should go.

Today, my goal is to BE …to be happy, to be peaceful, to be love and to be light, to myself and all others who cross my path today. To be present in each moment I am in, and do my very best to reach for my highest potential no matter what I am doing or what my external circumstances may be. I wish for all of you the very same.

JUST BE.

 

©2013.NOVEMBERGOLD.All Rights Reserved. 

 

Coming Out

Coming Out:

 

I hid your face for reasons I cannot explain

Perhaps because anonymity felt safer

Than exposing that it was indeed all of my pain.

I hid your face to protect your heart

Not knowing that hiding you

Was just another sick part

Of the games that they force us to play

The judgments and the hatred

That they whisper but refuse to say

To our face that they cannot look at

For fear of being blinded by the truth.

Here we are bold and bright

And no longer imprisoned by the

World and its daggers

Defining our own borders

Not asking, but telling, it’s our right.

We don’t need your advice or your

Worn out opinion;

We don’t want to hear your voice anymore

Not part of your minion.

We’ll write what we want without a second guess

Be careful of the part you play

This ain’t checkers; it’s a full blown game of chess;

Taking no prisoners, our words will convey

The ugly stains you all left

And a chalk line where you lay.

Done with the sugar and the rhymes so sweet

Trust me when I tell you,

No more secrets will she keep.

Try her if you can

I’m letting her out of the cage

I’ll pray for your protection

As her words start to spray

Truth and reality; a holy resurrection

It’s time for your medicine

Are you ready for the injection?

©2013.NOVEMBERGOLD.All Rights Reserved. 

 

 

 

 

 

The Queen Code-For the Women

I am posting this link to a page because I feel like its incredibly valuable for women. I believe in assisting one another, empowering each other, and doing what we can to help one another move forward on this journey, both individually and as a whole. I hope you will find her as amazing as I do. :)

http://thequeencode.com/

Dumbing Down

It's a harsh way to put it, but it describes the idea very well....we live in a world that will easily dumb us down if we let it. We find ourselves with people and in situations that don't fit, just so that we have a place...
I'm not calling anyone else "dumb" persay, I am calling what I have been doing dumb though, and sometimes it takes someone outside of it to put it all in perspective.

I've spent time and energy lately on people who aren't, or shouldn't be, part of the bigger picture in my minds eye; people who, although they are good folks, have nothing more to offer me than drama and complacency. I feel like I've lost the connections I have relied on with some over the years, the ones that have fed my thirst for knowledge and inner understanding and replaced them with easy choices that didn't require me to stretch too far; then suddenly you wake up feeling disenchanted, knowing that you did it all to yourself by the company and the choices.

I won't apologize for closing doors and cleaning up my "house" because I understand and recognize that it's necessary in order for me to recieve the real blessings that are for me. I've allowed life to get cluttered and messy and it's never been required, I just got lazy and caught up in my own lonliness and boredom.

I woke up again today, by the Grace of God/Goddess...I have to honor that by pulling up my big girl panties and getting back to the business of creating and being that which I know I was meant for.

Have a very Blessed Tuesday