Blessings Disguised as Trials and Tribulations

Who would have thought that one week ago when I became so ill with this respiratory crap, I would look upon it as a blessing? A what? Yes, I said that, A BLESSING.
Let me explain; I was experiencing a burn-out in ways that I wasn't even directly aware of right away, work burn out, life burn out, all of it; I was drowning in emotions that I felt like I had no control over and knew not where the hell they were even emanating from. I did a good job of smiling in public, making small talk with friends, and carrying on as usual to the everyday world; inside however was a whole other universe whirling; one of stress, fatigue, loneliness and overall questioning. I was questioning everything! Why am I here? Why is everything so damn hard, while others just seem to skate through life unscathed? I had family and friends going through horrible things to which I could do nothing but sit by and helplessly watch and silently pray, but then the light at the end of the tunnel showed itself to me and I understood more.

I was forced off of work, forced to be still, and forced to allow my body to physically just stop and rest; I truly had no choice because in the moments that I thought I was stronger than some damn sickness my body said "screw you, we got you on this one, sit down!" and sit down I did. 

I dove head first into my second weeks of classes and found myself flipping page after page consumed in such a good way by the information in front of me. I've never been big on history, (which I know is not cool, because a lot of it is really some good information), but I was understanding so much more about human behaviors and the processes by which we operate that I couldn't help but just keep going; and going...It brought to light so many factors in my own life in regards to my job, the people I work with and for, and to the world around me and my place in it. I'm not "normal" (what the hell is normal anyway, and who defines what is normal?) and I am SO okay with that. I don't deal with life on a surface level, I feel it inside. It's funny as I think about the people along the way who have had no real understanding and have labeled me as "too emotional", "too intense"; Oh yes, trust me, I am both emotional and intense, but who are you to say it's TOO much? Has the thought ever occurred to those people that perhaps they are "too" disconnected from themselves, from their spirit, from the universe as a whole? Probably not, or else they wouldn't be casting such shallow judgments on others.

I'm recovering well and am back to work today, and I am actually looking forward to stepping back into my role as an advocate for the women in our house, because I have a very renewed sense of myself and my purpose. I know why I'm here, I know who I am and I know that what I am doing is very real, not only to me, but to those I encounter. I am just one small drop in a vast ocean of possibility, yes, but I have the ability and the responsibility to create ripples that will turn into mighty waves.

Speaking of Freedom part 2

PART 2

I get really disappointed at times that my life is not full of “wealth” and “stuff”, and I won’t sit here and say that I don’t desire to be comfortable with money in my life because I think we all want that to some degree or another, but I will say that I have been lost.

In a moment of silence with my Self today, I realized how incredibly blind I have been to so much in my life without even realizing it.

I had to rehash old journals and poems to get the awakening; but it hit like a good hard slap on the ass and had me sitting here laughing and crying my way through the emotions.

I AM rich, rich as hell actually, ya wanna know why? Because all of the things that hurt me so much in the past, the things that kept me away from my Self are no longer issues at all! I don’t cower in public anymore and avoid smiling at a stranger for fear of being emotionally attacked by an insecure ego; I don’t hesitate to speak to the man next to me in line somewhere.

I don’t fake who I am for anyone anymore. I live a life true to who I am inside, at the core of my being. I am imperfect and flawed, yes, but I continue to reach and grow.

I don’t have the money that I would like to have, granted, but I have so much love and friendship in my life that I have faith that outer success is only a matter of timing, and we all know it doesn’t happen in our time; the higher energies of the universe map all that for us.

I love my Self more and more unconditionally each day that I am gifted with a new morning, although I still fall short I am closer all the time.

I stopped being a passenger in life and took the drivers seat and watched two of my own personal dreams come to fruition, I graduated from college a year ago with my BA, and I saw my first collection of writing go into print and be sold. On another level, I was witness to one of the happiest days of my son’s life, his wedding day, and my daughters’ graduation as an EMT. Pride wells up in me for all of us; we made one hell of a team, and individually we are all strong in our ways. Being a mother has made me rich all by itself because nothing can bring out the warrior in a woman’s spirit like being a mother. LOL.

It was in fighting for them that I learned how to fight for my Self. They made me want to be the best person I could be, so I set high standards for my Self.

 I AM wealthy. I LIVE AUTHENTICALLY; there is nothing richer than that.

  ©2013.NOVEMBERGOLD.All Rights Reserved. 

Part 2- A father's Love

I don’t believe that things happen by accident or coincidence, even though we use those words redundantly in our lives; each person and every Xperience is put into place for a purpose; lessons that we need to learn or things we need to teach someone else.  With that being stated, it then becomes more of a matter of gaining insight into the why, and as it has been pointed out to me, in this human capacity, we don’t always have the ability to reach that kind of understanding.

So if my perception is that there are open wounds and empty places in relation to my biological father and our lack of a relationship; my job is then to figure out how to apply the correct medicine to heal those wounds from the inside out, right? 

The first vital relationships we have with the opposite sex are with our parents, boys are drawn into the softness and comfort of their mothers, while girls are drawn into the strength and protection they get from their fathers; so if we don’t get those things, can you actually miss something you never had? Yes, because society gave us role models like June Cleaver and Mr. and Mrs. Brady (just aged myself, didn’t I? lol) so we then compare and contrast, us to them, etc…or as kids we witness our friends who have more functional homes than we have and want what they have, and seek the loving relationships that our friends had with their mothers or fathers, feeling confused and resentful when we don’t get the same thing. I recently listened to a clip from one of my favorite authors, Iyanla Vanzant, and she said that the things we experience in this life, are things that our soul decided upon before coming into this body in this physical sphere; things that we wanted to experience to advance ourselves to a higher level of energy and consciousness.

That leaves me thinking that all of this had its place and its purpose then, I’m not a victim, I chose this life because it would offer me the insights I was coming here to gain.

I guess ultimately I need to be thankful for the blessings in all of this, I have to choose that over sadness and a feeling of loss, it’s all a matter of my perception, it seems. I have the pleasure of having his wife in my life today, someone who was as close to him as another can be perhaps, and she so openly and willingly shares her memories of him with me; I know that that is no accident, we both believe he led us to each other because it was time. I think the medicine I need is simple surrender, acceptance and a willingness to just trust that this is all exactly what it was meant to be; and that one day he and I will have that meeting on the beach. I'll meet you there, Dad.

 

©2013.NOVEMBERGOLD.All Rights Reserved. 

DAY 1 of 30

My 30 day Experiement with THE SECRET:

Have you read or heard about The Secret? If not, I highly suggest you just take some time and check it out...it's worth finding out about. I have been in a real shitty cycle in my life for too long it feels like, and I have decided to really, with concerted effort, put forth the work to put the Law of Attraction to the test in my life.

I want to state my intent here on this page; I want to commit to a life change and be more faithful than I have ever been with anything. I really want to rise to this experiment with the Universe and prove to myself beyond anymore reasonable doubt that I am as powerfully part of God as  He and She are a  part of Me. I KNOW it, I feel it, but yet I still falter and lose my step now and then, I want to be FAITHFULLY COMMITTED to changing my life for the better with the power of my thoughts and the focus of my energy.

 

It’s Spring time, it’s a season of newness and growth, so what better time to grow myself? If I were to paint a picture of the kind of happiness I aspire to, it would be a writing career that supports me beyond mere existence, but allows me to enjoy life and help others around me; and the time to just volunteer to the sexual assault center and the hospice program. Both were some of the most rewarding experiences of my life in so many ways, I grew so much during those moments with those people.

 

So starting today, right now in this very moment I am in, I am going to commit to positive energy and thoughts. Every day I am going to journal about my day, about the blessings I received in that day. I’m not going to get caught up in writing sadness or weariness, because I am stronger than that now, I know too much to go backwards anymore. So onward I go...