Let Go

We do things in life that aren’t always explainable; we make decisions that are not always in our best interest, and are sometimes just down right self abusive; but why?

 

A young lady asked me last night “why do I want to call him, why do I keep thinking about the good times and the times that he made me feel happy and made me laugh, instead of staying focused on the abuse he put me through?”  I sat there looking at her as if she had just asked me a million dollar question.

How many times have I asked myself that question with regards to intimate relationships, friendships, or even family relationships?  The popular, ignorant answer given by many is; that we are weak minded. Yes, I said that. I have been told by people over time that the only reason someone stays or goes back to an abusive partner/lifestyle, is because they are weak.  Funny how that statement has come out of the mouths of people who claim to be so spiritual and so all knowing, when obviously they are just as misguided as everyone else. Go figure!

 The real answer is that we go back to people who have hurt us, betrayed us and let us down for as many reasons as there are people; albeit financial need/stability, children, no where else to go maybe, and of course LOVE. Emotionally, we allow ourselves to be abused by friends, family, partners from a sense of unworthiness to have any better, or from a dysfunctional psychological state that just craves what is familiar as opposed to having to forge new ground and take new risks. The old way may hurt and be less than we want or even need, but we are familiar with it and within that, we find some sort of “safety”.  We get caught by the “honeymoon phases” and we feel hopeful that the last time will be the last time that they say such hurtful things to us, or hit us, etc…

Letting go is hard, rebuilding from scratch on friendships and intimate relationships is scary! We have to learn someone new, we have to plant new seeds and wait to see if they will sprout, and it can all be quite intimidating! 

Sometimes, we actually do separate from the abusive people and situations, only to find ourselves too afraid to peek out of the self contained box we have built for ourselves for fear of being hurt all over again by someone else.

I’ve had to get my feelings hurt over time, my heart trampled upon, and my trust destroyed; I’ve cried a million tears, raged and wallowed in the why me’s, but all of that brought me to this moment, today.

 

I am in no way on a perfect path in this life, but I have come to love myself enough to know how to walk away from anyone and everything that does not serve a worthy purpose in my life. That is really what it all comes down to; learning how to love and respect yourself enough to refuse anything less from others.

Today, it is my prayer that we ALL learn how to love and respect ourselves enough that we will not allow ourselves to be the victim of anyone else’s hatred, insecurity and selfishness again.

 

©2013.NOVEMBERGOLD.All Rights Reserved. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Two Sides

TWO SIDES

 

I felt you pushing on the door

But all I could do was stand on the other side

refusing to allow it to open all the way;

It was a moment of choices and I had to choose the right one.

Almost like a predator you prey upon my kindness

And take me for granted, always knowing when to strike

as though you smell the vulnerability on me.

I don’t believe in accidents, so I know that I am here again

For a reason; once again facing test day.

I have two choices now as I stand

on the other side of this door with you;

I can take the road that is predictable, even though

It won’t be good for me, or maybe even for you, it will

At least be familiar; or I can quietly just walk away

And leave you standing there alone to face your own hellish

demons without being able to use me as a buffer.

 

 One requires courage and strength from me

While the other just seems so easy; but then

The realization strikes with brute force and tells me

That to concede once more will bring me no peace,

Only more let down and disappointment,

because at the end of the day this really isn’t about you at all-

It is about Me and what I will allow in my life.

 In a moment, I inhaled and let it slowly drift out,

Breathing out doubt and self defeating thoughts;

And then quietly I moved away from the door

and left you alone on the other side of it.

You can push it open, I just won’t be there waiting

on the other side  this time.

I’m choosing me over you; I’m choosing forward progress over chaos.

I choose to love myself enough to make the right choice

Because I know that any other option will

Keep me grounded in one spot and I cannot

Move forward with my feet stuck in quicksand.

 

07/2013

©2013.NOVEMBERGOLD.All Rights Reserved. 

 

What You Think You Know- part one

I am a face book junkie- its how I start my mornings as I drink my coffee and wander through the lives of those I care about. I love that technology has given us so much ability to stay connected to one another over miles and miles in between us.

Everyone has their reasons, and needs for the social site, some people just like the connection that it offers to those we love and miss who are too far to just go sit and visit with, some people like it for the attention they can draw to themselves with whatever methods they choose on any given day, and some people need it to air dirty laundry on a daily basis and make sure that the world knows how “victimized” they are. Ho Hum.

Whatever it is for each person is for them to understand, we all have the option of taking people off of our newsfeeds, deleting them all together or a multitude of other ways to rid ourselves of that which we don’t feel we want to see, or need to know about others.

For ME- fb has become a place to reach others with positive messages, empowering messages, I find myself drawn to other pages and sites that feed the need in me for forward progress, the ones that nurture something in me that needs healing- and those that keep me connected to my source with reminders and beautiful images of the light within. The funny thing about it all is that I will get messages sometimes asking me if things are ok, or if someone has “hurt me” because of something I will “share” or a quote I will pass on….Yeah, the irony is that people think they know who you are and what you are about or going through by the things they see you post.
I’m ready to enlighten you all to something-

I am good, but I have been through things. I am strong, but I have been knocked on my ass at times, I’ve loved and been betrayed by those who I believed loved me back, but I am better because of it.

I don’t post all of those things for myself everyday; I post those things because I truly believe that we as human beings need to stop being so selfish and self centered and understand that the more we are open and giving to the world around us, the more healed and centered in the right things we become. I believe in being that which I hope to receive; and I believe that we all go through things to make us wiser and stronger so that we can share what we know with each other and grow one another, instead of stifle and hold down.

I was never very trusting or open to relationships with women, until I met my best friend in 2003. She started out as my manager at a job that I practically begged for as I was going through my divorce, I don’t think either of us realized how our lives were about to be changed by one another, but being part of that group of women in that small store taught me about the love of women and how powerful it is, and with each passing day, I know that the love I share with her, my sister, my confidante, my best friend is something that I don’t ever want to be without again.

I became a sexual assault advocate in 2010, and sat in groups of women listening to the stories and feeling their pain, because I was one of them, we shared pain, we shared fear, but more importantly, we shared victory, because we are SURVIVORS, not victims.
(continue to part 2)

The Queen Code-For the Women

I am posting this link to a page because I feel like its incredibly valuable for women. I believe in assisting one another, empowering each other, and doing what we can to help one another move forward on this journey, both individually and as a whole. I hope you will find her as amazing as I do. :)

http://thequeencode.com/

"The Early bird..."

Gets the worm! Or in my case, hammers out pages of writing! Writer's block be gone!

I woke up this morning before the birds even did, and before I had a chance to even feel agitated about being awake so early on a day when I didn't have to be in to work til mid afternoon, I was up being productive and getting things done. I sat down at the computer with my coffee in hand to begin my morning routine of facebook reading and posting, but my mind was cranking out paragraphs and showing me pictures of him and a time passed; I took another sip and pulled up a blank page and began typing. I've always known that I would have to tell our story one day, it was too magical and spiritual not to, but each time I had tried to begin, I lost the feeling and got stuck on words, which would always lead to me walking away and leaving the story in the back recesses of my mind.

Today, however, everything was in sync and the words have flowed from me, the story of him and me unfolding and being re-lived, moment by precious moment...it's all a little bittersweet, really...but it will live on in my heart and spirit always, and he will always be one of my favorite stories to tell. :)

©2013.NOVEMBERGOLD.All Rights Reserved. 

Be Blessed today, folks, & always...Be a Blessing as you go!

Tanning Bed Illuminations: The Sunny Side of Life

Tanning Bed Illuminations: The Sunny Side of Life

 

As I begin this, I am chuckling because they say a title is one of the most important elements of a piece, it’s what initially draws a reader in; in this case the title runs far deeper than it seems and only a few will “get it” , which is completely okay, the message will be clear to the rest nonetheless.

 

Sunny side up eggs have always been unappealing to me, they are half cooked and slimy, both of which I cannot handle when it comes to eggs, but I have to think that those eggs are aware that they are only partially cooked, that technically they have room to be cooked more without being too cooked. Okay, seriously, I’m sure those eggs don’t know shit about anything, they are eggs!  That was a metaphor for anyone who missed it. Are we on the same page now? J

 

We meet people along the way in life for reasons, nothing is an accident, each and every experience and person is an instrument or a learning tool if you will, in one form or another; oftentimes we are the vessels by which something is to be taught/learned and we don’t even know it. We should learn to look at even the challenging people and experiences as “good” or “valuable” because it’s from those moments and those folks, that we truly experience learning and growth; I mean, think about it, if everything were all roses and rainbows how would we elevate ourselves to a better vibration? We wouldn’t; think about it like this, some of the most beautiful rock formations were created out of constant lashing by water and sand and dirt and other rocks colliding over and over again until the surface becomes smooth and shaped into something amazing; so too are we shaped and molded by life.

 

I met him over a year ago, (and one day that will be a story in and of itself) although it seems like forever has been and gone sometimes because the value of meeting him and his presence in my life has been immeasurable and intense. I’ve met a lot of people over the course of my life, and some of them I barely remember, while others have been a lasting memory that never fades or quiets, and some are still here, still journeying through life with me and they are the people I call Friend(s). Regardless of where the roads lead, and believe me, it has not always led to pretty places; he will always be someone who has had a lasting impact on my spirit. The danger with those who have such an impact on us is that here and there we allow them too much power in our psyche, we listen to them harder than we listen to our own voice sometimes and run the risk of falling into holes of self doubt and spiritual turmoil, until and unless we grow so strong within our own spirit that we can hear without completely absorbing the opinions and ranting of another soul who is searching and incomplete just like we are; therein lies the key, realizing that everyone is on a journey of some kind; no one is perfect and flawless, even those who stand on soapboxes and proclaim to have some royal insight that no one else but GOD has. I have found that those who preach about EGO are the ones that seem to be the most afflicted with the dis-ease of the ego. How ironic. I don’t appreciate people who feel the need to manipulate others with lies and mental games, I don’t have respect for those who feel justified in toying with others feelings for the sake of their own ego’s, and people who will lie and distort the truth of who they are, do just that for the simple sake of feeding something lacking within themselves. It’s a beautiful moment when we awaken to that realization and take away the power of those folks who feel so justified in tearing us down when we threaten the foundation of bullshit that they stand on. People who need to force-feed others with how enlightened they are, are clearly not all that enlightened at all; ego needs to claim righteousness; the simple and pure enlightened soul moves quietly through life and others and touches and heals just by the silent art of being.

Oh, but I do thank you…I thank you for the beauty you shared with me as well as the ego you exposed; I learned a great deal from both.

 

 

Love & Light~

 

©2013.NOVEMBERGOLD.All Rights Reserved. 

 

Tanning Bed Illuminations- The Singular Theory

Singular thinking or something more?

 

One of my new favorite pages on facebook is a page by a young man named Trent Shelton; a very spiritually grounded man who inspires and encourages through his words and heartfelt expression. So to begin this, I would like to add his status from this morning on facebook because it seems truly fitting.

 

"

Trent Shelton

Man, I'm going to SWEDEN next week to speak and spread RehabTime. It trips me out because I vividly remember people around me telling me that YOU HAVE to plan this and plan that to make BIG THINGS happen, but something inside my heart was telling me that the only plan you have to make is the plan to FOLLOW God, and HE will take your life to places beyond your greatest dreams. My m...indset wasn't even thinking international this year, but God had something in store for RehabTime far greater. The best advice I can give anyone trying to live their purpose, catch their dream, etc....is to get out your own way. Don't put limitations on the blessings that God wants to give you, because you're so focused on your own agenda. Live your purpose daily and don't worry about the "how". God will take your life where HE needs you to be! #RehabTime"

 

 

 

There is a room, a place where I go to now and then to escape the harsh lighting of reality and bask in the glow of peace and tranquility. I can see it all so clearly that I feel like I can actually touch the soft fabric of the furniture I sit in while I am there. I’ve been visiting this room for years now, since the first night I dreamed of it and sat there with a silent friend. It was a moment in life when I was feeling particularly battered and beaten by the struggles I was facing in my marriage; I found myself sitting in this wide open spacious room, sunlight beaming in through large open windows, and the high vaulted ceilings met with a ledge all around the room, a decorative ledge, I remember thinking; but that’s when I saw Him sitting in the corner of the room, above me. I was sitting in a white plush chair with high arms, just the way I like, and I had a cup of coffee and a pen and tablet in my lap; feeling more complete than I have ever felt and being very aware of so much serenity within me. The view out of the patio doors was one of beach and vast blue water all around, it’s the house I have been telling friends and family I’m going to live in one day while I write my novels; the place where my dreams are alive and thriving.

 

 

 As of lately, I have been thinking about my future more, about relationships, my degree, my goals of writing books and my desire to do something positive in this world I live in, simply put; to make a difference! Just the other day I had a conversation with a friend about how I have come to see the ways in which I have lived a very “singular” lifestyle, sometimes the actions we live everyday and don’t think twice about, may be creating that which we “think” we don’t want. I even thought about the fact that I have always had one cat that is truly MY cat, and have built very one on one relationships with those cats, and even though there were other cats in the house at times, I never had the relationship with them that I did with the one cat I called mine; and like we do with our children and strangers, I have always watched other people and how they reacted to those pets in my life, and in all honesty, if I saw that the cat was uneasy or that the person was not open to them, it changed my opinion of that person.

I’m about to get a new kitten in my life, and I am more than happy about it, because I have missed the companionship, but it also led me to thinking about that singular theory; am I once again creating a one on one relationship with my pet and not really leaving much room for anyone or anything else? So, I think that I have decided to bring two kitties home, to create more of a well rounded relationship for myself, but also so that the kittens will not be forced into a solitary life inside an apartment. But all of this begs the question; when I see this room of my dreams, the only other “person” I see with me, is the beautiful Italian looking Angel that sits up on the ledge diagonally from my chair where I sit. His wings are glittery white and his skin is perfectly golden, and he doesn’t speak to me, but yet I feel volumes being said when I am there with him. An old friend once said to me, that he shared similar experiences and that he finally concluded that perhaps his dreams did not involve a partner per say, that it could be that he was meant to be on his own, pursuing his dreams and achieving his goals, without that other human being as his “one”. I wonder if that is the message that I am getting. I wonder if I am just so married and committed to my goals and my dreams of writing that I don’t see room for another as a permanent structure in my world. I ponder sometimes whether I have just gotten so comfortable in my own space and in the silence that I don’t want to sacrifice it so that I can open my life and my time to another in such a committed way; or is it just that I am simply a hot mess who is confused and doesn’t know what I want! Aughhh, the agony! I guess the realest answer that I have for myself, and obviously for those of you reading this, is that I look for certain qualities in a partner, and in fairness how can I want certain things from someone, but not offer the same in return? So, maybe it isn’t that I don’t or can’t see myself with someone else, it’s that I am on a track of preparing myself and being the right person when he does step onto my path; yes, I think I like that much better. J

Clarity

 

 

I almost believed it, the lines that you fed;

but then I moved deeper

out of the shallow waters where you tread.

I saw my reflection in the water so still;

Blessed and Protected

And full of what’s real.

Divinely created and loved so completely;

Made for a King,

And designed so sweetly.

 

 

Cry if You Need To:

 

Drake said it; “Cry if you need to but I can’t stay to watch you, it’s the wrong thing to do; touch if you need to but I can’t stay to hold you, it’s the wrong thing to do; talk if you need to, but I can’t stay to listen it’s the wrong thing to do;cuz you’ll say you love me and I’ll end up lying an’ say I love you too, ‘cuz I need someone different….”

 

It’s in a moment when you look at someone, either someone you’re trying to be with and build something with, or someone that you have been with for awhile already, and you realize that you might have just taken a wrong turn. Here I suppose, is where I get a little cloudy in my thinking because it’s hard to label something as “wrong” and still believe that everything happens for a reason in life; so is it wrong, or is it just that light has been shed and vision becomes clear and we see that something has either run its course or really doesn’t have a course to be run at all? The things that make us go hmmmm.

 

Men talk endlessly about how women claim to want honesty, open communication, REALNESS, but that we can’t handle it when we get it; and for some perhaps that’s a true enough statement, but what about the rest of us? What about those women that can and do want and willingly participate in open communication, honest talk and realness, but we meet resistance from the very same men who tell us that WE cannot handle real, WE cannot handle honest talk; where indeed do we go from there? Is this why being “single” has become such an epidemic today? People are more focused on careers and money than on love and togetherness; yes, the ugly truth is that chasing money and staying single just fits right in with our fast and easy kinda living these days, doesn’t it?  It’s so much simpler to make a phone call when a “need” arises and for a moment we find release in some form or another, be it drugs, alcohol, food or sex, we find our fix and then we go on about our business. Easy, right?  The honest answer here is that for some, maybe even many, this is precisely much more simplified and clean cut than trying to love and be in relationships, because those can get messy and unorganized, people are fickle and inconsistent, which usually always leads to someone getting their feelings hurt or being let down.

 

We tell each other to just be honest baby, don’t lie to me just to spare my feelings, but in that one moment when you look at the person sitting next to you and realize that you don’t want them there, being honest and real takes on a whole new dynamic; because no matter how much we want to believe in the power of truth, it won’t matter because someone is about to get let down and hurt regardless and we will not be able to see the beauty in being real and honest, until the smoke clears and we come back to ourselves. Is it truly any wonder that people avoid relationships to just have that friend with benefits who will come over and leave with no questions, no hassles, no quarrels, just a shared moment of gratification and then the flow of life picks up right where you left it; I think not. I’m tired of playing the game, tired of getting to the red zone and settling for 3 when what I really want is the touchdown, I want the whole 7, not 4 less. And I am even more worn on hearing men rant about how women can’t handle this, and won’t handle that…today I’m just tired of it all, because the reality is that men are just as big of bitches, just as whiny, just as needy and just as fucking immature as those they point out, and are incapable of dealing with the truth even when it’s wrapped up and handed to them gently. The dating game is brutal shit today. When you come to me and tell me that you want real, and you want honest, how can you be angry with me when I give you precisely what you asked me to deliver? Would you rather I stay in your life and keep you in mine because it’s easier than being honest and risk hurting your feelings for a minute, or would you rather I tell you where we stand and let go so that you can move on and neither of wastes more of our precious time? At some point people, you have to grasp the concept that you cannot realistically have your cake AND eat it too; at least not in the real world.

 ~Peace

©2013.NOVEMBERGOLD.All Rights Reserved.