When the Bough Breaks

When the Bough Breaks:

 

Life changes without our permission and most times without any notice;
It just transforms into something else in the blink of an eye.

They say everything happens for a reason, but honestly, I am still

pondering some of the moves and working to just trust that they are and have, happened for reasons that just have not become clear to me yet.
How does something that feels so completely right in a moment, turn into something that you feel you need to escape in the next? How do friendships that have been built on trust and honesty dissolve into nothingness because of that same trust and honesty?

Why do children die? Why do horrible things happen to good people? Why do heartless people get to keep existing and inflicting pain on the world?

Do you have the answers, because I sure don’t.
What I do know is that no matter what happens and how badly we want to stop moving, breathing, and managing; we cannot stop, we have to keep moving, even if it’s just one small step, one short breath or one simple heartbeat. The universe continues to flow around us, birds still sing even on the mornings that we wake up with broken hearts and puffy eyes from all the crying we did the night before. The boss still expects you to be on time for work, and dinner still needs to be cooked. Life goes on; whether you’re participating or not.

As we journey through Life, we lose lovers, friends, and pets and so much more; so much more like pride and arrogance, selfishness and greed; or at least that is the hope. Time is supposed to bring with it wisdom and humility. Maybe we lose things and people we are attached to so that we can learn that nothing is permanent here, nothing and no one is forever, but merely experiences that we navigate through to learn the things we need to learn?

What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger, right?  What if it just makes us colder? What if it makes us hateful for what someone else has that we don’t? What separates that person, from a person who just accepts each life altering moment and pushes forward?  My thought?  FAITH.

Faith is not strengthened in moments that we already know what’s coming, Faith is conceived in those moments when the staircase is dark and we can only see the step we are on. We move slowly up the stairs, not knowing what awaits us on the next one, but we step anyway.

When we stop expecting that Life will always play fair, we begin to get somewhere; we accept, through tears and heavy hearts that friends grow apart, lovers fall out of love, and people die. We don’t accept it because it makes a damn bit of sense, we accept it because we have come far enough to understand that now and then things just don’t make sense at first glance, and they do not always feel good, but we inhale, we exhale, and we have FAITH that the Universe has a plan and that in each challenge we face there is a gift to uncover to elevate us to the next level of our journey here.

STAY FAITHFUL- We are all in this together.

~Peace

 

 

HAPPY

I sat here this morning feeling so damn content; and then I asked myself,

“Self? Why are you so happy today?”

(Yes, I do talk to my Self often…stop laughing!)

 

Well, then Self said, “Why shouldn’t I be happy? I woke up this morning from a restful nights sleep, which means I received a gift first thing this morning, and it isn’t a holiday or my birthday, it is just another day that the creator has given me to step up and give it one more go.” 

I thought about that for a second, but then I said,
“but we’re broke, and the car isn’t running right, and we’re alone, and , and, an….”

 Self smiled at me and gently put a finger to my lips to hush me; “We aren’t broke, we have everything we need today, food, shelter, a job that we love, friends who love us genuinely, family that we treasure, our health and our smile; everything else is just extra’s that will come in the perfect time; in the time that is right when we need it, not just because we want it. Don’t get stuck on those things that this material world convinces us are necessary;  see beyond your eyes and hear beyond your ears so that you may recognize the wealth that you have within you and around you.”

 

I sat quietly absorbing all of that and realized how right my Self was. I have a million reasons to feel this way and I am going to bask in it. J

I am doing something I love, and I am affecting others with my compassionate heart and my smile; and I see it everyday in the way I am greeted when I walk into the house at work, I feel it when I receive those random texts from my kids that say “I LOVE YOU”, I know it beyond the shadow of a doubt when those real friends in my life take time to let me know they care, and are in my corner in this world. I know it when I feel the very real energy of those who are gone from this physical world, but never leave me and always let me know just when I need it. I know true happiness when those who I have counted on and trusted in have let me down and betrayed my kind heart, because I still pray for their happiness and well being everyday, and I pray for the part of them that so easily hurts other with their callousness and self centered ways to be healed, because I refuse to give in to hate and animosity; neither of those serve me well.
As I listen to my daughter talk about her time at the fire department, her elation overflows and to hear her say “I am so happy when I am there, I know that’s where I am meant to be” My heart swells with pride because I want nothing more than for my children to know contentment and peace in this chaotic world, but also because it is a beautiful thing that she has chosen to go out into this world and be a part of making other people better; little does she know that just her presence is healing in and of itself and anyone blessed enough to be around her is already better because of it.

The cat box needs changing, and the laundry needs finishing among other random things on my list of to-do’s, but John Mayer is singing and the sun is shining, and I AM LOVE. I AM LOVED. And somewhere the water is calling me to come and sit peacefully with it today, so seek I shall for that quiet place with my Self and the water, and rejoice in all of the gifts that I have and the beauty that I feel within. It is my wish today that I share this feeling directly and indirectly with every person I cross paths with and every experience I find myself in today.

Love, Light and Peace to all of you, and to me and my Self JJJ

 

 

 

GOD Moments

Have you said, “Oh my God, my rent is due and I have no idea how to pay it!”
And then suddenly you find yourself blessed with the money to pay your rent, or to buy food, etc…coincidence?
I don’t believe so, I believe those to be GOD Moments; moments when He shows up and takes care of you like a good Father does, they are also given as reassurances that we are being heard, that our struggles are not going unnoticed and we are NOT ALONE.
I have been having more and more of them lately; or maybe I am just more aware of them than I have ever been, which is probably more accurate. This morning as I am sitting here writing this, another one has come; my daughter just got a new job which is much needed and hopefully the beginning of a new phase of her life, a more positive phase.

I am also about to begin a new phase of my working life; one that I have worked hard for, and I have remained steadfast over the past year as I have applied on several occasions at this facility only to be turned down for someone else. I went in this time applying for one shift a week, with the mindset that at least I will get my foot in the door and be able to show them what I have to offer them, 2 weeks later in the executive directors office, I am offered a full on position with them! Talk about timing!

I visited an old friend yesterday and talked about Faith, family, how precious life is etc…this friend is currently without physical freedom, but is learning to free his mind and embrace something new that he has never known, inner peace and tranquility, and a sense that if he remains Faithful, he will be blessed. Had it not been for him asking that I please come to see him, I would not have, out of my own lack of courage and because it’s easier for me to deal with his pain through a letter once a week, as opposed to facing his current reality, but I was directed there yesterday morning as I found myself detouring from grocery shopping to make a quick stop there. When we first saw each other, I felt the outpouring of love that I have always had for this man; he is truly one of the best people who has ever blessed my world and I will always hold great love in my heart for him. His smile and his surprise were all I needed to know that I had made the right choice; I’m not even sure I made it, I just drove the car and someone else was steering it. Even in the smallest of signs I knew God had orchestrated this meeting; the usual 30 minute visit was allowed to run over into an hour, and we laughed and sometimes we just sat there looking at each other smiling; we always said so much that way to each other, through our eyes, I love that about us; it’s just simple and comfortable. As we rose to part ways, he told me how seeing me had made his day and made him feel good; made him feel cared for, he said. He thinks that I gifted him, but what I know to be true is that GOD gifted us both.

It is my hope for everyone reading this that you find the ability to be awake to God Moments, because they happen ALL the time, it’s really just a matter of whether you’re listening and paying attention or not. ;)

©2013.NOVEMBERGOLD.All Rights Reserved. 

 

Love from "The Other Side"

Love from “The Other Side”

 

If you have followed my writing at all over time, you know that I grew up without my biological father. Anyone that has gone through this understands what that sentence entails, the emotions that we go through, the losses we feel, and the spaces that just never get filled. I have lived 42 years of my life and never heard his voice, never got to ask for money or keys to the car (lol), never got to just simply hug him.

 

In a moment of life when living and dying collided, my best friend in the world lost her baby girl at 5 years old; a tragic loss that has left such an empty space in so many lives. Emily was a gift to the world, a gift to everyone who was lucky enough to know her and even now, after she is no longer in this physical world she continues to bless people in her life; and her mama is one of those people that share her blessings with those she loves and cares for. Her heart is golden and so very big. In her moments of need, she has been able to reach out to a medium who has given her a channel of communication to her Emily, and in doing so has passed the blessing of that woman on to me, and has allowed me to share her and her partner, the two Amy’s (lol) with others in my life who need to some uplifting and some peace with those they have lost.

 

To say that my life has been altered would be too simple, too easy of a statement; I am changed inside, enlightened and know that I will never go back to who I was before those moments with the Amy’s. I communicated with my father, my grandmother and my uncle, and the biggest thing I took from all of it is that they aren’t gone, I say this all the time and I always believed it, but now? Whew! I will forever be a faithful believer.

Angels come in all forms, sometimes human even, and if you are awake, you always know them and recognize them for the beauty they have within. Marcy is one of those people to me, her and Emily opened a door for me that I could have never seen coming, and the best I can do at this point is listen to the wisdom I have been given from those who still love me even though they now love me purely in spirit form; and pay it forward to those in my life that I know long for that “one more conversation” moment with those who have gone from this world. Amy G and Amy S, are also angels in human form, and I hope that they know what a beautiful medicine they are to wounded hearts who grieve the losses in their lives.

 

I am moved by love; from those here and always from those “there”…I remember today that I AM A BLESSED WOMAN; and Unc? I'm paying attention ;)

 

Go make it a great day! J

 

©2013.NOVEMBERGOLD.All Rights Reserved. 

 

Tanning Bed Illuminations- The Singular Theory

Singular thinking or something more?

 

One of my new favorite pages on facebook is a page by a young man named Trent Shelton; a very spiritually grounded man who inspires and encourages through his words and heartfelt expression. So to begin this, I would like to add his status from this morning on facebook because it seems truly fitting.

 

"

Trent Shelton

Man, I'm going to SWEDEN next week to speak and spread RehabTime. It trips me out because I vividly remember people around me telling me that YOU HAVE to plan this and plan that to make BIG THINGS happen, but something inside my heart was telling me that the only plan you have to make is the plan to FOLLOW God, and HE will take your life to places beyond your greatest dreams. My m...indset wasn't even thinking international this year, but God had something in store for RehabTime far greater. The best advice I can give anyone trying to live their purpose, catch their dream, etc....is to get out your own way. Don't put limitations on the blessings that God wants to give you, because you're so focused on your own agenda. Live your purpose daily and don't worry about the "how". God will take your life where HE needs you to be! #RehabTime"

 

 

 

There is a room, a place where I go to now and then to escape the harsh lighting of reality and bask in the glow of peace and tranquility. I can see it all so clearly that I feel like I can actually touch the soft fabric of the furniture I sit in while I am there. I’ve been visiting this room for years now, since the first night I dreamed of it and sat there with a silent friend. It was a moment in life when I was feeling particularly battered and beaten by the struggles I was facing in my marriage; I found myself sitting in this wide open spacious room, sunlight beaming in through large open windows, and the high vaulted ceilings met with a ledge all around the room, a decorative ledge, I remember thinking; but that’s when I saw Him sitting in the corner of the room, above me. I was sitting in a white plush chair with high arms, just the way I like, and I had a cup of coffee and a pen and tablet in my lap; feeling more complete than I have ever felt and being very aware of so much serenity within me. The view out of the patio doors was one of beach and vast blue water all around, it’s the house I have been telling friends and family I’m going to live in one day while I write my novels; the place where my dreams are alive and thriving.

 

 

 As of lately, I have been thinking about my future more, about relationships, my degree, my goals of writing books and my desire to do something positive in this world I live in, simply put; to make a difference! Just the other day I had a conversation with a friend about how I have come to see the ways in which I have lived a very “singular” lifestyle, sometimes the actions we live everyday and don’t think twice about, may be creating that which we “think” we don’t want. I even thought about the fact that I have always had one cat that is truly MY cat, and have built very one on one relationships with those cats, and even though there were other cats in the house at times, I never had the relationship with them that I did with the one cat I called mine; and like we do with our children and strangers, I have always watched other people and how they reacted to those pets in my life, and in all honesty, if I saw that the cat was uneasy or that the person was not open to them, it changed my opinion of that person.

I’m about to get a new kitten in my life, and I am more than happy about it, because I have missed the companionship, but it also led me to thinking about that singular theory; am I once again creating a one on one relationship with my pet and not really leaving much room for anyone or anything else? So, I think that I have decided to bring two kitties home, to create more of a well rounded relationship for myself, but also so that the kittens will not be forced into a solitary life inside an apartment. But all of this begs the question; when I see this room of my dreams, the only other “person” I see with me, is the beautiful Italian looking Angel that sits up on the ledge diagonally from my chair where I sit. His wings are glittery white and his skin is perfectly golden, and he doesn’t speak to me, but yet I feel volumes being said when I am there with him. An old friend once said to me, that he shared similar experiences and that he finally concluded that perhaps his dreams did not involve a partner per say, that it could be that he was meant to be on his own, pursuing his dreams and achieving his goals, without that other human being as his “one”. I wonder if that is the message that I am getting. I wonder if I am just so married and committed to my goals and my dreams of writing that I don’t see room for another as a permanent structure in my world. I ponder sometimes whether I have just gotten so comfortable in my own space and in the silence that I don’t want to sacrifice it so that I can open my life and my time to another in such a committed way; or is it just that I am simply a hot mess who is confused and doesn’t know what I want! Aughhh, the agony! I guess the realest answer that I have for myself, and obviously for those of you reading this, is that I look for certain qualities in a partner, and in fairness how can I want certain things from someone, but not offer the same in return? So, maybe it isn’t that I don’t or can’t see myself with someone else, it’s that I am on a track of preparing myself and being the right person when he does step onto my path; yes, I think I like that much better. J

Part 2- A father's Love

I don’t believe that things happen by accident or coincidence, even though we use those words redundantly in our lives; each person and every Xperience is put into place for a purpose; lessons that we need to learn or things we need to teach someone else.  With that being stated, it then becomes more of a matter of gaining insight into the why, and as it has been pointed out to me, in this human capacity, we don’t always have the ability to reach that kind of understanding.

So if my perception is that there are open wounds and empty places in relation to my biological father and our lack of a relationship; my job is then to figure out how to apply the correct medicine to heal those wounds from the inside out, right? 

The first vital relationships we have with the opposite sex are with our parents, boys are drawn into the softness and comfort of their mothers, while girls are drawn into the strength and protection they get from their fathers; so if we don’t get those things, can you actually miss something you never had? Yes, because society gave us role models like June Cleaver and Mr. and Mrs. Brady (just aged myself, didn’t I? lol) so we then compare and contrast, us to them, etc…or as kids we witness our friends who have more functional homes than we have and want what they have, and seek the loving relationships that our friends had with their mothers or fathers, feeling confused and resentful when we don’t get the same thing. I recently listened to a clip from one of my favorite authors, Iyanla Vanzant, and she said that the things we experience in this life, are things that our soul decided upon before coming into this body in this physical sphere; things that we wanted to experience to advance ourselves to a higher level of energy and consciousness.

That leaves me thinking that all of this had its place and its purpose then, I’m not a victim, I chose this life because it would offer me the insights I was coming here to gain.

I guess ultimately I need to be thankful for the blessings in all of this, I have to choose that over sadness and a feeling of loss, it’s all a matter of my perception, it seems. I have the pleasure of having his wife in my life today, someone who was as close to him as another can be perhaps, and she so openly and willingly shares her memories of him with me; I know that that is no accident, we both believe he led us to each other because it was time. I think the medicine I need is simple surrender, acceptance and a willingness to just trust that this is all exactly what it was meant to be; and that one day he and I will have that meeting on the beach. I'll meet you there, Dad.

 

©2013.NOVEMBERGOLD.All Rights Reserved. 

In Loving Memory:

 

 

I view the world sometimes and wonder how the sun can rise and the moon still shine so beautiful and bright when there is so much pain around.

It seems unfair to me that people still have to rise and greet a new day when their hearts are broken and holes are left gaping.

I don’t know what you’re feeling and I pray I wont ever have to; but I know the pain I felt saying goodbye to a little blonde haired girl that I watched come into this world, and I know the pain I felt as I watched you all struggle to breathe and fight the urge to quit.

 

 Emily is a gift we all received and were blessed by for a moment in time; a beautiful precious soul who touched so many people and left her mark forever on our hearts and in our minds. I don’t understand how it’s possible that she is gone already, but I have to believe that GOD knows what He is doing and that He has a plan for her that we just cannot grasp yet. I believe that you got it right, though my dear friend when you said that she was drawn to the wings He offered her. It’s apparent that she knew what she wanted to do while she was here and what she wanted to experience and she made sure that everyone else followed the directions so that all of it could come to fruition for her. She changed you, all of you, all of US, as she traveled through our lives and she was meant to. Andy said that she was an angel who was sent here to teach about Love. And she did.

 

I called to you Emily and asked you to watch over your family and take care of them while they hurt, I asked you for a sign and you gave me the rays of the sun through the window of the church and in the swirling winds in the trees as we stood at your grave and laid you to rest. I laid a rose on your chariot, and I whispered goodbye, but I only said goodbye to the vessel that carried you through this earthly existence, I will never say goodbye to the beautiful soul that shone so brightly from you because I know that that part of you lives on forever.

 

 

 

©2013.NOVEMBERGOLD.All Rights Reserved. 

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