One of those days

Today is one of those days when my mind is swimming and the unanswered questions lurk like a predator in the dark.
The one thing I have to keep reminding myself of is this...My FAITH is bigger than any problem this world can give me, it's just a matter of reminding myself of that over and over again.

Today I pray for a friend who just lost her son; in the blink of an eye life is taken just as easily as it was given and it is the "not knowing when" our time is up that makes me want to reach higher in each moment and to consistently work to be better than I was, because I do not want to live with regrets and even more I never want to regret the things I should have said, or could have experienced if only I would have been brave. In anothers loss, I am awakened to the fragility by which we exist; the next moment is never promised to us.

Tomorrow is Emily's birthday, and people that I love will celebrate her life, and hurt over the empty place she left. The comfort that I have though is that she never leaves, she is always lingering near watching out and directing the steps of those she left behind, including me. She says she sits with me at night because I am comforting to her and little does she realize that just that knowledge alone inspires me to stay connected to the light inside of me, because if her angelic spirit finds comfort in me, it tells me that there is something good in me, something that she can feel and see; I feel like I owe it to her to rise above the chaos and disorder in and around me and be the woman I was created to be. I want to stay worthy of her love and light in my life, and show appreciation by doing the work I need to do. Thank you for your presence and your love in my life little girl-

It's a writing kind of day- writing, music and meditation...I am merely the vessel thorugh which you flow- I surrender.

©2013.NOVEMBERGOLD.All Rights Reserved. 

Part 2- A father's Love

I don’t believe that things happen by accident or coincidence, even though we use those words redundantly in our lives; each person and every Xperience is put into place for a purpose; lessons that we need to learn or things we need to teach someone else.  With that being stated, it then becomes more of a matter of gaining insight into the why, and as it has been pointed out to me, in this human capacity, we don’t always have the ability to reach that kind of understanding.

So if my perception is that there are open wounds and empty places in relation to my biological father and our lack of a relationship; my job is then to figure out how to apply the correct medicine to heal those wounds from the inside out, right? 

The first vital relationships we have with the opposite sex are with our parents, boys are drawn into the softness and comfort of their mothers, while girls are drawn into the strength and protection they get from their fathers; so if we don’t get those things, can you actually miss something you never had? Yes, because society gave us role models like June Cleaver and Mr. and Mrs. Brady (just aged myself, didn’t I? lol) so we then compare and contrast, us to them, etc…or as kids we witness our friends who have more functional homes than we have and want what they have, and seek the loving relationships that our friends had with their mothers or fathers, feeling confused and resentful when we don’t get the same thing. I recently listened to a clip from one of my favorite authors, Iyanla Vanzant, and she said that the things we experience in this life, are things that our soul decided upon before coming into this body in this physical sphere; things that we wanted to experience to advance ourselves to a higher level of energy and consciousness.

That leaves me thinking that all of this had its place and its purpose then, I’m not a victim, I chose this life because it would offer me the insights I was coming here to gain.

I guess ultimately I need to be thankful for the blessings in all of this, I have to choose that over sadness and a feeling of loss, it’s all a matter of my perception, it seems. I have the pleasure of having his wife in my life today, someone who was as close to him as another can be perhaps, and she so openly and willingly shares her memories of him with me; I know that that is no accident, we both believe he led us to each other because it was time. I think the medicine I need is simple surrender, acceptance and a willingness to just trust that this is all exactly what it was meant to be; and that one day he and I will have that meeting on the beach. I'll meet you there, Dad.

 

©2013.NOVEMBERGOLD.All Rights Reserved. 

In Loving Memory:

 

 

I view the world sometimes and wonder how the sun can rise and the moon still shine so beautiful and bright when there is so much pain around.

It seems unfair to me that people still have to rise and greet a new day when their hearts are broken and holes are left gaping.

I don’t know what you’re feeling and I pray I wont ever have to; but I know the pain I felt saying goodbye to a little blonde haired girl that I watched come into this world, and I know the pain I felt as I watched you all struggle to breathe and fight the urge to quit.

 

 Emily is a gift we all received and were blessed by for a moment in time; a beautiful precious soul who touched so many people and left her mark forever on our hearts and in our minds. I don’t understand how it’s possible that she is gone already, but I have to believe that GOD knows what He is doing and that He has a plan for her that we just cannot grasp yet. I believe that you got it right, though my dear friend when you said that she was drawn to the wings He offered her. It’s apparent that she knew what she wanted to do while she was here and what she wanted to experience and she made sure that everyone else followed the directions so that all of it could come to fruition for her. She changed you, all of you, all of US, as she traveled through our lives and she was meant to. Andy said that she was an angel who was sent here to teach about Love. And she did.

 

I called to you Emily and asked you to watch over your family and take care of them while they hurt, I asked you for a sign and you gave me the rays of the sun through the window of the church and in the swirling winds in the trees as we stood at your grave and laid you to rest. I laid a rose on your chariot, and I whispered goodbye, but I only said goodbye to the vessel that carried you through this earthly existence, I will never say goodbye to the beautiful soul that shone so brightly from you because I know that that part of you lives on forever.

 

 

 

©2013.NOVEMBERGOLD.All Rights Reserved. 

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