When Forgiveness is Enough

I taught my children as my father taught me; people will not always be good to you, Be good anyway. People will not always speak kindly to you, speak kindly anyway, and the lines I will never forget; It's easy to love those who love you, but it takes courage to love those who don't.

I think that I misinterpretted this message somewhere along the way in my life, because I have been there for/helped people that I probably should not have because of the history with them all in the name of being a kind and good hearted person, I mean heck, if Jesus can speak to people as they are killing him and bless them with love and forgiveness, I should surely be able to deal with the fact that people have wronged me, and still be a good person to them, right?  I've never been sure where to draw the line between who I should help and who I should just pray for and move on from; so when someone calls me in need, I'm there, because I genuinely care about people overall.

Sometimes we learn lessons the hard way, and I am absolutely no exception to that; I am too often set in my ways of how I feel I should conduct my life, and my good intent sends me down paths that end up being less than good for me. As I sat here today thinking about things, and how some people are just straight up ego filled assholes, I realized that my mistake all this time was in not really knowing when its okay to just not be there for someone and still be a true loving and spiritual being. I do good because it's important for me to put goodness out there into the world, I care because that's what we should do as human beings for each other, but the reality is that there really just are some people that we can give ourselves permission to close the door on and send love and light through the universe for them.
I need to be better about that, for the sake of my Self and my own heart. It hurts when you step out for someone else, even when they have hurt you in the past and they just use that opportunity to twist the knife they had already planted in your back.  I learned today.

Let Go

We do things in life that aren’t always explainable; we make decisions that are not always in our best interest, and are sometimes just down right self abusive; but why?

 

A young lady asked me last night “why do I want to call him, why do I keep thinking about the good times and the times that he made me feel happy and made me laugh, instead of staying focused on the abuse he put me through?”  I sat there looking at her as if she had just asked me a million dollar question.

How many times have I asked myself that question with regards to intimate relationships, friendships, or even family relationships?  The popular, ignorant answer given by many is; that we are weak minded. Yes, I said that. I have been told by people over time that the only reason someone stays or goes back to an abusive partner/lifestyle, is because they are weak.  Funny how that statement has come out of the mouths of people who claim to be so spiritual and so all knowing, when obviously they are just as misguided as everyone else. Go figure!

 The real answer is that we go back to people who have hurt us, betrayed us and let us down for as many reasons as there are people; albeit financial need/stability, children, no where else to go maybe, and of course LOVE. Emotionally, we allow ourselves to be abused by friends, family, partners from a sense of unworthiness to have any better, or from a dysfunctional psychological state that just craves what is familiar as opposed to having to forge new ground and take new risks. The old way may hurt and be less than we want or even need, but we are familiar with it and within that, we find some sort of “safety”.  We get caught by the “honeymoon phases” and we feel hopeful that the last time will be the last time that they say such hurtful things to us, or hit us, etc…

Letting go is hard, rebuilding from scratch on friendships and intimate relationships is scary! We have to learn someone new, we have to plant new seeds and wait to see if they will sprout, and it can all be quite intimidating! 

Sometimes, we actually do separate from the abusive people and situations, only to find ourselves too afraid to peek out of the self contained box we have built for ourselves for fear of being hurt all over again by someone else.

I’ve had to get my feelings hurt over time, my heart trampled upon, and my trust destroyed; I’ve cried a million tears, raged and wallowed in the why me’s, but all of that brought me to this moment, today.

 

I am in no way on a perfect path in this life, but I have come to love myself enough to know how to walk away from anyone and everything that does not serve a worthy purpose in my life. That is really what it all comes down to; learning how to love and respect yourself enough to refuse anything less from others.

Today, it is my prayer that we ALL learn how to love and respect ourselves enough that we will not allow ourselves to be the victim of anyone else’s hatred, insecurity and selfishness again.

 

©2013.NOVEMBERGOLD.All Rights Reserved. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Two Sides

TWO SIDES

 

I felt you pushing on the door

But all I could do was stand on the other side

refusing to allow it to open all the way;

It was a moment of choices and I had to choose the right one.

Almost like a predator you prey upon my kindness

And take me for granted, always knowing when to strike

as though you smell the vulnerability on me.

I don’t believe in accidents, so I know that I am here again

For a reason; once again facing test day.

I have two choices now as I stand

on the other side of this door with you;

I can take the road that is predictable, even though

It won’t be good for me, or maybe even for you, it will

At least be familiar; or I can quietly just walk away

And leave you standing there alone to face your own hellish

demons without being able to use me as a buffer.

 

 One requires courage and strength from me

While the other just seems so easy; but then

The realization strikes with brute force and tells me

That to concede once more will bring me no peace,

Only more let down and disappointment,

because at the end of the day this really isn’t about you at all-

It is about Me and what I will allow in my life.

 In a moment, I inhaled and let it slowly drift out,

Breathing out doubt and self defeating thoughts;

And then quietly I moved away from the door

and left you alone on the other side of it.

You can push it open, I just won’t be there waiting

on the other side  this time.

I’m choosing me over you; I’m choosing forward progress over chaos.

I choose to love myself enough to make the right choice

Because I know that any other option will

Keep me grounded in one spot and I cannot

Move forward with my feet stuck in quicksand.

 

07/2013

©2013.NOVEMBERGOLD.All Rights Reserved. 

 

What You Think You Know- part one

I am a face book junkie- its how I start my mornings as I drink my coffee and wander through the lives of those I care about. I love that technology has given us so much ability to stay connected to one another over miles and miles in between us.

Everyone has their reasons, and needs for the social site, some people just like the connection that it offers to those we love and miss who are too far to just go sit and visit with, some people like it for the attention they can draw to themselves with whatever methods they choose on any given day, and some people need it to air dirty laundry on a daily basis and make sure that the world knows how “victimized” they are. Ho Hum.

Whatever it is for each person is for them to understand, we all have the option of taking people off of our newsfeeds, deleting them all together or a multitude of other ways to rid ourselves of that which we don’t feel we want to see, or need to know about others.

For ME- fb has become a place to reach others with positive messages, empowering messages, I find myself drawn to other pages and sites that feed the need in me for forward progress, the ones that nurture something in me that needs healing- and those that keep me connected to my source with reminders and beautiful images of the light within. The funny thing about it all is that I will get messages sometimes asking me if things are ok, or if someone has “hurt me” because of something I will “share” or a quote I will pass on….Yeah, the irony is that people think they know who you are and what you are about or going through by the things they see you post.
I’m ready to enlighten you all to something-

I am good, but I have been through things. I am strong, but I have been knocked on my ass at times, I’ve loved and been betrayed by those who I believed loved me back, but I am better because of it.

I don’t post all of those things for myself everyday; I post those things because I truly believe that we as human beings need to stop being so selfish and self centered and understand that the more we are open and giving to the world around us, the more healed and centered in the right things we become. I believe in being that which I hope to receive; and I believe that we all go through things to make us wiser and stronger so that we can share what we know with each other and grow one another, instead of stifle and hold down.

I was never very trusting or open to relationships with women, until I met my best friend in 2003. She started out as my manager at a job that I practically begged for as I was going through my divorce, I don’t think either of us realized how our lives were about to be changed by one another, but being part of that group of women in that small store taught me about the love of women and how powerful it is, and with each passing day, I know that the love I share with her, my sister, my confidante, my best friend is something that I don’t ever want to be without again.

I became a sexual assault advocate in 2010, and sat in groups of women listening to the stories and feeling their pain, because I was one of them, we shared pain, we shared fear, but more importantly, we shared victory, because we are SURVIVORS, not victims.
(continue to part 2)