Blessings Disguised as Trials and Tribulations

Who would have thought that one week ago when I became so ill with this respiratory crap, I would look upon it as a blessing? A what? Yes, I said that, A BLESSING.
Let me explain; I was experiencing a burn-out in ways that I wasn't even directly aware of right away, work burn out, life burn out, all of it; I was drowning in emotions that I felt like I had no control over and knew not where the hell they were even emanating from. I did a good job of smiling in public, making small talk with friends, and carrying on as usual to the everyday world; inside however was a whole other universe whirling; one of stress, fatigue, loneliness and overall questioning. I was questioning everything! Why am I here? Why is everything so damn hard, while others just seem to skate through life unscathed? I had family and friends going through horrible things to which I could do nothing but sit by and helplessly watch and silently pray, but then the light at the end of the tunnel showed itself to me and I understood more.

I was forced off of work, forced to be still, and forced to allow my body to physically just stop and rest; I truly had no choice because in the moments that I thought I was stronger than some damn sickness my body said "screw you, we got you on this one, sit down!" and sit down I did. 

I dove head first into my second weeks of classes and found myself flipping page after page consumed in such a good way by the information in front of me. I've never been big on history, (which I know is not cool, because a lot of it is really some good information), but I was understanding so much more about human behaviors and the processes by which we operate that I couldn't help but just keep going; and going...It brought to light so many factors in my own life in regards to my job, the people I work with and for, and to the world around me and my place in it. I'm not "normal" (what the hell is normal anyway, and who defines what is normal?) and I am SO okay with that. I don't deal with life on a surface level, I feel it inside. It's funny as I think about the people along the way who have had no real understanding and have labeled me as "too emotional", "too intense"; Oh yes, trust me, I am both emotional and intense, but who are you to say it's TOO much? Has the thought ever occurred to those people that perhaps they are "too" disconnected from themselves, from their spirit, from the universe as a whole? Probably not, or else they wouldn't be casting such shallow judgments on others.

I'm recovering well and am back to work today, and I am actually looking forward to stepping back into my role as an advocate for the women in our house, because I have a very renewed sense of myself and my purpose. I know why I'm here, I know who I am and I know that what I am doing is very real, not only to me, but to those I encounter. I am just one small drop in a vast ocean of possibility, yes, but I have the ability and the responsibility to create ripples that will turn into mighty waves.

Is This Thing On?

It's been awhile since I have posted here,not because I haven't been writing, but more because I am working on my 3rd book project and putting most of my time into that and not posting anything real new, so that when the book comes out, it will be fresh and untouched; an element of surprise, if you will.

But as I was sitting here drinking my coffee today, I decided that maybe I had some things to jot down and share with you all, my faithful readers.
First of all and most importantly- I want to say that GOD IS AMAZING!  My Aunt was just recently diagnosed with Breast cancer, and underwent surgery and came out like the fighting champ she is, doing well and on her way to a speedy recovery. The last picture I saw of her was from a hospital bed giving the thumbs up. I love her courage and I am so very thankful that she is doing alright.

I've been doing alot of reading about the Law of Attraction again; understanding moreso than ever that we create the experience that we have in life by the energy we give to our thoughts. I'm still learning, and I'm still guilty of getting stuck in a thought I don't want to think or in a mood that I would rather not expend any of my energy on, but I know that I have made and continue to make progress in directing my thoughts to positive moves and goals. I think we all go into a new year with our hearts filled with giant hope about what that year will bring us, and a sigh of relief as we leave the old shit behind;but how long does that feeling of hopefulness last you? For me,it usually made it through January, and then after that it was like, oh yea, here we are again, same shit different day, right?  When 2014 rolled around though, I was in a whole different mind set, a very strong one that this was going to be a great year for me, I could literally feel it! And as of right now, that feeling is as strong as ever, it's just a matter of drawing myself a map.

The message I wanted to share with all of this is simple;
BE HERE NOW; but keep building steps and keep taking them one at a time until you reach the destination mark on the map, where-ever that may be on your map.
Be MINDFUL of your thoughts; Be full of simple GRATITUDE. I say Thank You every time I am blessed with a hot bubble bath, because I know there are some who go without. Be JOYFUL as you lay down in your bed at night because there are those who sleep on the hard ground.
We draw to us what we put out; the simple Law of Attraction. What kind of life do YOU want?

GOD Moments

Have you said, “Oh my God, my rent is due and I have no idea how to pay it!”
And then suddenly you find yourself blessed with the money to pay your rent, or to buy food, etc…coincidence?
I don’t believe so, I believe those to be GOD Moments; moments when He shows up and takes care of you like a good Father does, they are also given as reassurances that we are being heard, that our struggles are not going unnoticed and we are NOT ALONE.
I have been having more and more of them lately; or maybe I am just more aware of them than I have ever been, which is probably more accurate. This morning as I am sitting here writing this, another one has come; my daughter just got a new job which is much needed and hopefully the beginning of a new phase of her life, a more positive phase.

I am also about to begin a new phase of my working life; one that I have worked hard for, and I have remained steadfast over the past year as I have applied on several occasions at this facility only to be turned down for someone else. I went in this time applying for one shift a week, with the mindset that at least I will get my foot in the door and be able to show them what I have to offer them, 2 weeks later in the executive directors office, I am offered a full on position with them! Talk about timing!

I visited an old friend yesterday and talked about Faith, family, how precious life is etc…this friend is currently without physical freedom, but is learning to free his mind and embrace something new that he has never known, inner peace and tranquility, and a sense that if he remains Faithful, he will be blessed. Had it not been for him asking that I please come to see him, I would not have, out of my own lack of courage and because it’s easier for me to deal with his pain through a letter once a week, as opposed to facing his current reality, but I was directed there yesterday morning as I found myself detouring from grocery shopping to make a quick stop there. When we first saw each other, I felt the outpouring of love that I have always had for this man; he is truly one of the best people who has ever blessed my world and I will always hold great love in my heart for him. His smile and his surprise were all I needed to know that I had made the right choice; I’m not even sure I made it, I just drove the car and someone else was steering it. Even in the smallest of signs I knew God had orchestrated this meeting; the usual 30 minute visit was allowed to run over into an hour, and we laughed and sometimes we just sat there looking at each other smiling; we always said so much that way to each other, through our eyes, I love that about us; it’s just simple and comfortable. As we rose to part ways, he told me how seeing me had made his day and made him feel good; made him feel cared for, he said. He thinks that I gifted him, but what I know to be true is that GOD gifted us both.

It is my hope for everyone reading this that you find the ability to be awake to God Moments, because they happen ALL the time, it’s really just a matter of whether you’re listening and paying attention or not. ;)

©2013.NOVEMBERGOLD.All Rights Reserved. 

 

Wipe Your Eyes

 

Wipe Your Eyes

 

I stumbled upon the song accidentally as is par for the course while I am riding through my musical therapy sessions; I had grown a bit intrigued by Adam Levine from watching him on The Voice, and I have always liked most of Maroon 5’s music, but the new curiosity just led me to exploring more of it. I’ve listened to this song about 15 times in the past 12 hours; I am listening to it back to back as I am typing this, it’s funny how it went from one thing to another in meaning…all of a sudden, I realized that this was the conversation I needed to have with myself, these are the words I needed to hear, I don’t need anyone else to say them, if I just open up and allow the energy to flow to and from, I have all I need.

I’ve been feeling a lot, too much, spinning and clawing when I just need to get still and be quiet again.

 

It’s time to unplug and re-charge.

©2013.NOVEMBERGOLD.All Rights Reserved. 

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=viOEL7WAqZM&feature=share&list=LLJIrsxaeBdSGPxf_BBS0ZTQ

 

I'm afraid that I gotta what but I gotta do
But if I let you go, where you gonna go?
We gotta make it change, time to turn the page
Something isn't right, I don't wanna fight you
We've been through couple times, you know it gets worse
We can turn this around, please let me be first
And as I feel your tears spilling on my shirt
Something isn't right I don't wanna fight you

[Chorus]
Hey you, come over and let me embrace you
I know that i'm causing you pain too but
Remember if you need to cry
I'm here to wipe your eyes

Tonight before you fall asleep
I'll run my thumb across your cheek
Cry 'cause i'm here to wipe your eyes
I know I made you feel this way
You gotta breathe, we'll be okay
Cry 'cause i'm here to wipe your eyes

Oh nah nah oh nah nah nah nah
'cause i'm here to wipe your eyes
Oh nah nah oh nah nah nah nah

[Adam Levine]
When did we cross the line
How could we could forget
Why do we let the pressure get into our heads
Your broken heart requires all of my attention
'cause something isn't right I don't wanna fight you

[Chorus]
Hey you, come over and let me embrace you
I know that i'm causing you but pain too
Remember if you need to cry
I'm here to wipe your eyes

Tonight before you fall asleep
I run my thumb across your cheek
Cry 'cause i'm here to wipe your eyes
I know I made you feel this pain
You gotta breathe, we'll be okay
Cry 'cause i'm here to wipe your eyes

Please don't lose your faith;
Don't worry 'cuz I'm here to keep you safe
I promise if you let me see your face
That I won't let you down, I won't let you down

I'm here to wipe your eyes
Tonight before you fall asleep,
I'll run my thumb across your cheek
Cry, 'cause I'm here to wipe your eyes
I know I made you feel this way
You gotta breathe, we'll be okay
Cry, 'cause I'm here to wipe your eyes

Coming Out

Coming Out:

 

I hid your face for reasons I cannot explain

Perhaps because anonymity felt safer

Than exposing that it was indeed all of my pain.

I hid your face to protect your heart

Not knowing that hiding you

Was just another sick part

Of the games that they force us to play

The judgments and the hatred

That they whisper but refuse to say

To our face that they cannot look at

For fear of being blinded by the truth.

Here we are bold and bright

And no longer imprisoned by the

World and its daggers

Defining our own borders

Not asking, but telling, it’s our right.

We don’t need your advice or your

Worn out opinion;

We don’t want to hear your voice anymore

Not part of your minion.

We’ll write what we want without a second guess

Be careful of the part you play

This ain’t checkers; it’s a full blown game of chess;

Taking no prisoners, our words will convey

The ugly stains you all left

And a chalk line where you lay.

Done with the sugar and the rhymes so sweet

Trust me when I tell you,

No more secrets will she keep.

Try her if you can

I’m letting her out of the cage

I’ll pray for your protection

As her words start to spray

Truth and reality; a holy resurrection

It’s time for your medicine

Are you ready for the injection?

©2013.NOVEMBERGOLD.All Rights Reserved. 

 

 

 

 

 

The Queen Code-For the Women

I am posting this link to a page because I feel like its incredibly valuable for women. I believe in assisting one another, empowering each other, and doing what we can to help one another move forward on this journey, both individually and as a whole. I hope you will find her as amazing as I do. :)

http://thequeencode.com/

Tanning Bed Illuminations: The Sunny Side of Life

Tanning Bed Illuminations: The Sunny Side of Life

 

As I begin this, I am chuckling because they say a title is one of the most important elements of a piece, it’s what initially draws a reader in; in this case the title runs far deeper than it seems and only a few will “get it” , which is completely okay, the message will be clear to the rest nonetheless.

 

Sunny side up eggs have always been unappealing to me, they are half cooked and slimy, both of which I cannot handle when it comes to eggs, but I have to think that those eggs are aware that they are only partially cooked, that technically they have room to be cooked more without being too cooked. Okay, seriously, I’m sure those eggs don’t know shit about anything, they are eggs!  That was a metaphor for anyone who missed it. Are we on the same page now? J

 

We meet people along the way in life for reasons, nothing is an accident, each and every experience and person is an instrument or a learning tool if you will, in one form or another; oftentimes we are the vessels by which something is to be taught/learned and we don’t even know it. We should learn to look at even the challenging people and experiences as “good” or “valuable” because it’s from those moments and those folks, that we truly experience learning and growth; I mean, think about it, if everything were all roses and rainbows how would we elevate ourselves to a better vibration? We wouldn’t; think about it like this, some of the most beautiful rock formations were created out of constant lashing by water and sand and dirt and other rocks colliding over and over again until the surface becomes smooth and shaped into something amazing; so too are we shaped and molded by life.

 

I met him over a year ago, (and one day that will be a story in and of itself) although it seems like forever has been and gone sometimes because the value of meeting him and his presence in my life has been immeasurable and intense. I’ve met a lot of people over the course of my life, and some of them I barely remember, while others have been a lasting memory that never fades or quiets, and some are still here, still journeying through life with me and they are the people I call Friend(s). Regardless of where the roads lead, and believe me, it has not always led to pretty places; he will always be someone who has had a lasting impact on my spirit. The danger with those who have such an impact on us is that here and there we allow them too much power in our psyche, we listen to them harder than we listen to our own voice sometimes and run the risk of falling into holes of self doubt and spiritual turmoil, until and unless we grow so strong within our own spirit that we can hear without completely absorbing the opinions and ranting of another soul who is searching and incomplete just like we are; therein lies the key, realizing that everyone is on a journey of some kind; no one is perfect and flawless, even those who stand on soapboxes and proclaim to have some royal insight that no one else but GOD has. I have found that those who preach about EGO are the ones that seem to be the most afflicted with the dis-ease of the ego. How ironic. I don’t appreciate people who feel the need to manipulate others with lies and mental games, I don’t have respect for those who feel justified in toying with others feelings for the sake of their own ego’s, and people who will lie and distort the truth of who they are, do just that for the simple sake of feeding something lacking within themselves. It’s a beautiful moment when we awaken to that realization and take away the power of those folks who feel so justified in tearing us down when we threaten the foundation of bullshit that they stand on. People who need to force-feed others with how enlightened they are, are clearly not all that enlightened at all; ego needs to claim righteousness; the simple and pure enlightened soul moves quietly through life and others and touches and heals just by the silent art of being.

Oh, but I do thank you…I thank you for the beauty you shared with me as well as the ego you exposed; I learned a great deal from both.

 

 

Love & Light~

 

©2013.NOVEMBERGOLD.All Rights Reserved. 

 

Love from "The Other Side"

Love from “The Other Side”

 

If you have followed my writing at all over time, you know that I grew up without my biological father. Anyone that has gone through this understands what that sentence entails, the emotions that we go through, the losses we feel, and the spaces that just never get filled. I have lived 42 years of my life and never heard his voice, never got to ask for money or keys to the car (lol), never got to just simply hug him.

 

In a moment of life when living and dying collided, my best friend in the world lost her baby girl at 5 years old; a tragic loss that has left such an empty space in so many lives. Emily was a gift to the world, a gift to everyone who was lucky enough to know her and even now, after she is no longer in this physical world she continues to bless people in her life; and her mama is one of those people that share her blessings with those she loves and cares for. Her heart is golden and so very big. In her moments of need, she has been able to reach out to a medium who has given her a channel of communication to her Emily, and in doing so has passed the blessing of that woman on to me, and has allowed me to share her and her partner, the two Amy’s (lol) with others in my life who need to some uplifting and some peace with those they have lost.

 

To say that my life has been altered would be too simple, too easy of a statement; I am changed inside, enlightened and know that I will never go back to who I was before those moments with the Amy’s. I communicated with my father, my grandmother and my uncle, and the biggest thing I took from all of it is that they aren’t gone, I say this all the time and I always believed it, but now? Whew! I will forever be a faithful believer.

Angels come in all forms, sometimes human even, and if you are awake, you always know them and recognize them for the beauty they have within. Marcy is one of those people to me, her and Emily opened a door for me that I could have never seen coming, and the best I can do at this point is listen to the wisdom I have been given from those who still love me even though they now love me purely in spirit form; and pay it forward to those in my life that I know long for that “one more conversation” moment with those who have gone from this world. Amy G and Amy S, are also angels in human form, and I hope that they know what a beautiful medicine they are to wounded hearts who grieve the losses in their lives.

 

I am moved by love; from those here and always from those “there”…I remember today that I AM A BLESSED WOMAN; and Unc? I'm paying attention ;)

 

Go make it a great day! J

 

©2013.NOVEMBERGOLD.All Rights Reserved. 

 

Part 2- A father's Love

I don’t believe that things happen by accident or coincidence, even though we use those words redundantly in our lives; each person and every Xperience is put into place for a purpose; lessons that we need to learn or things we need to teach someone else.  With that being stated, it then becomes more of a matter of gaining insight into the why, and as it has been pointed out to me, in this human capacity, we don’t always have the ability to reach that kind of understanding.

So if my perception is that there are open wounds and empty places in relation to my biological father and our lack of a relationship; my job is then to figure out how to apply the correct medicine to heal those wounds from the inside out, right? 

The first vital relationships we have with the opposite sex are with our parents, boys are drawn into the softness and comfort of their mothers, while girls are drawn into the strength and protection they get from their fathers; so if we don’t get those things, can you actually miss something you never had? Yes, because society gave us role models like June Cleaver and Mr. and Mrs. Brady (just aged myself, didn’t I? lol) so we then compare and contrast, us to them, etc…or as kids we witness our friends who have more functional homes than we have and want what they have, and seek the loving relationships that our friends had with their mothers or fathers, feeling confused and resentful when we don’t get the same thing. I recently listened to a clip from one of my favorite authors, Iyanla Vanzant, and she said that the things we experience in this life, are things that our soul decided upon before coming into this body in this physical sphere; things that we wanted to experience to advance ourselves to a higher level of energy and consciousness.

That leaves me thinking that all of this had its place and its purpose then, I’m not a victim, I chose this life because it would offer me the insights I was coming here to gain.

I guess ultimately I need to be thankful for the blessings in all of this, I have to choose that over sadness and a feeling of loss, it’s all a matter of my perception, it seems. I have the pleasure of having his wife in my life today, someone who was as close to him as another can be perhaps, and she so openly and willingly shares her memories of him with me; I know that that is no accident, we both believe he led us to each other because it was time. I think the medicine I need is simple surrender, acceptance and a willingness to just trust that this is all exactly what it was meant to be; and that one day he and I will have that meeting on the beach. I'll meet you there, Dad.

 

©2013.NOVEMBERGOLD.All Rights Reserved. 

In Loving Memory:

 

 

I view the world sometimes and wonder how the sun can rise and the moon still shine so beautiful and bright when there is so much pain around.

It seems unfair to me that people still have to rise and greet a new day when their hearts are broken and holes are left gaping.

I don’t know what you’re feeling and I pray I wont ever have to; but I know the pain I felt saying goodbye to a little blonde haired girl that I watched come into this world, and I know the pain I felt as I watched you all struggle to breathe and fight the urge to quit.

 

 Emily is a gift we all received and were blessed by for a moment in time; a beautiful precious soul who touched so many people and left her mark forever on our hearts and in our minds. I don’t understand how it’s possible that she is gone already, but I have to believe that GOD knows what He is doing and that He has a plan for her that we just cannot grasp yet. I believe that you got it right, though my dear friend when you said that she was drawn to the wings He offered her. It’s apparent that she knew what she wanted to do while she was here and what she wanted to experience and she made sure that everyone else followed the directions so that all of it could come to fruition for her. She changed you, all of you, all of US, as she traveled through our lives and she was meant to. Andy said that she was an angel who was sent here to teach about Love. And she did.

 

I called to you Emily and asked you to watch over your family and take care of them while they hurt, I asked you for a sign and you gave me the rays of the sun through the window of the church and in the swirling winds in the trees as we stood at your grave and laid you to rest. I laid a rose on your chariot, and I whispered goodbye, but I only said goodbye to the vessel that carried you through this earthly existence, I will never say goodbye to the beautiful soul that shone so brightly from you because I know that that part of you lives on forever.

 

 

 

©2013.NOVEMBERGOLD.All Rights Reserved. 

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