Book 2!!!

And yet another dream comes to beautiful fruition!!! Here it is, a collaboration with one of my favorite writers, my Aunt Becky Corinne Strukamp!! We have talked about this moment for years, today we see it bloom! It is a mixture of y poetry/short story, and a great contribution from my bestie R.Jones, and beautiful heartfelt poetry by Becky. GOD IS SO GOOD and I AM TRULY BLESSED!

https://www.createspace.com/4355919?ref=1147694&utm_id=6026

Speaking of Freedom -"I lack the instinct of conformity"

There will be darkness before there is light-

A feeling of insurmountable wrong

Before it begins to be right.

 

 

Sometimes when we sit quietly and ponder things we end up in places that we never even thought about going, or realized we needed to; that happened to me today. I was reading old journals, finding poems and old writings from a long time ago, reliving memories and people, feeling old emotions, all of that, and then a light bulb flashed and I saw something…

There was a time in my life that I was so confined emotionally, spiritually, even physically that I lost myself. I went through the motions, I played my parts in the roles I was given,  I conformed to what people around me were comfortable with, I played the “good girl” role every day of my life to keep everyone around me peaceful, but always flowing below the surface was a current that kept me feeling restless and discontent. I had allowed people to take away my spirit, I had allowed people to force me not to smile or to talk with others, I allowed the inner me, the real me, to get pushed back into a corner and be replaced with the me that my environment was comfortable with.

I remember not being able to tell a stranger that his gas tank was open without being accused of flirting; or smiling at someone as we pass them on a street or in a store and being accused of wanting that stranger more than I wanted him. I remember being so unhappy.

I looked at my children everyday and kept pushing for the best, but something was happening; I was growing, I was changing inside and I couldn’t explain it. Every time I was “boxed in” I grew more resentful, every time I was stripped of my own mind and heart, I grew angrier; but our children kept me holding on, learning strength and faith all the way. I fought and fought to keep that marriage alive and healthy, in my heart I know that I did everything I could do; today I accept that our season was just over then, our time together has expired and it was time for a different level of life.

I say all of that to say this-

©2013.NOVEMBERGOLD.All Rights Reserved. 

(contined in pt. 2)

Naked Truth

I could spend hours, days, weeks even years, plotting revenge on those who have hurt me, or let me down or done me wrong; just as all of those I have hurt, done wrong etc could plot against me. I could spend my thoughts on ways to get even, I could waste my precious moments on how I can retaliate...
At the end of the day- the only person who will answer to and for any and all of those actions, feelings, thoughts, is ME. It is MY KARMA that I will affect and taint, not theirs. I could "do you the way you did me" just because for a moment it might just feel good to lash out and hurt back so that they know how they made you feel....But, at the end of the day, it is MY KARMA I affect. There have been a lot of moments in my own life that I felt truly deserving of some revenge, moments that I was betrayed by lovers, friends co-workers so badly that I felt 100% justified in seeking some sort of sick satisfaction from hurting them back; yet I declined the offer and kept it moving.
Now some people think this is weakness, spinelessness, cowardice; I beg to differ. There are fights to fight and causes to rally around and then there are those "small things" in life that in 5 years really won't matter, hell, in 5 days it might not matter, and just aren't worth getting all up in arms over...I've learned how to pick my battles, and in a great part I thank my ex husband for that.
To say that my life is in some sort of a "shift" would be a gross understatement, I don't know what I feel most of the time, because as each day passes, I just get more numb to it all, to the point of feeling very little on most days. I'm learning to expect dishonesty and disgenuine behavior from people, and it makes me sick. I hate it. I also hate faking it and I realized this morning as I was listening to an inspirational speaker and motivator, that in order to really blossom, I have to be naked; and no, not literally. ;)
My daughter asked me not long ago, what I was most passionate about doing in my life, already knowing the answer I woudl give her, but I think she wanted me to just say it out loud so I could hear it again myself; I told her to just write and be able to live and maintain from it. I thought back to that conversation this morning and realized that as long as I am afraid of the backlash of MY truths, my perceptions of my own life and experiences, I will forever be hostage to just dreaming and hoping. I have to write nakedly and stop concerning myself with how you, or anyone else will percieve it, and it scares the ever loving shit out of me, because some of it is ugly and painful and will slap some in the face. My grandmother told me when I was 14 years old that if I did one thing for her before she died it would be to write my life out in a book. I didnt do it before she died; and I cannot change that, but I can still do it for her, for me, for anyone else who just needs the courage to take a step out for themselves regardless of how much it scares them. She told me to write my life.....one naked truth at a time.

©2013.NOVEMBERGOLD.All Rights Reserved. 

A place of voids-

Who would you be if you didn't care about what other people thought or how they saw you?

Do you know who you are at your core?

WHAT makes you truly happy? What makes your soul sing?

A lot to ponder upon, I suppose, but valid questions that deserve answers nonetheless, right?

As I push myself to finish this book-writing stuff, or perhaps I should say continue, because I don't feel like I will ever be "finished" writing, I'm finding myself drawing in more and more, seeking refuge from all around me. Another moment of metamorphosis, another death and another rebirth. A re-creation of Self once more.

I think I've been lost, feeling too much or feeling nothing at all, riding the train of extremes so much of the time; I found myself trapped in nothingness today so I stopped everything and disconnected from everything external this morning and did yoga. I felt the anger in my body, I felt all the ways my spirit feels blocked and stifled. Everything hurt as I stretched and pushed out of my comfort zones. So much like my life lately- staying safely nestled in my own secure walls.
I regained something soft inside, but I am still floating in a void place. A place void of emotion one way or another with a lot of questions and a lack of answers. The frustration comes from knowing that the answers are there at my disposal if I can just tune in to the channels and listen, so why am I struggling so? How can we be so wise, yet ..........I commit. I retreat. I peek through the door but stay on this side of it. I pray to all of the energies of my angels and guides to just keep pushing me, please don't give up on me.

 "I will write until I cannot form the words anymore, and once I pass from this place, I will whisper them to you so that they may still be read."  That came from my father this morning...." I know it was him because he told me that when I write something and don't know where it just came from, it's him helping me, guiding me, letting me know simply that he is here with me, even though I don't see him.
Just keep talking to me, and together the words will be written, Dad.

Tanning Bed Illuminations: The Reasons Why

 

When things fall apart, they come together……..

 

Have you ever sat back and wondered how people have just gone from your life when at one time they were the most important ones in it?

I used to; but then I realized over time that all people aren’t meant to be forever people; no matter how much good they may do at one time or another, it won’t guarantee that they stay; it’s just their season.

I’ve met people who seem so willing to just let love fade, let friendships die, and they seem so care free as they let go and shut doors. I didn’t understand that for awhile, but again, life is great for teaching us things if we just keep our eyes and ears open, yes, but even more? We keep our sight focused on awareness. Sight is more than our eyes see, and hearing is more than our ears do. Our very soul will see and hear all that’s important if we just stay awake in our own lives.

I have become one of those people, a person who will let things just fade out naturally without trying to revive it, or reclaim it, I’m getting better at shutting doors that I used to struggle with terribly, not because my heart has gone cold, but because I am more aware than ever that if I don’t choose the company I keep carefully and spend my time doing the things that will move me forward in my life, I have no one else to find fault in when I am still stuck in this same rut 3 days, 4 months, or even years from now. It’s my job to get right in my life, it’s MY job to achieve my goals and make things better for myself, mine and my higher power. People will come and go as they need to, people who will teach you about yourself, people who will need teaching from you, but not all of them will find a permanent spot, some of them, hell maybe even most of them, will only briefly visit and then you or they, make a choice to keep moving.

 

That used to hurt me so much inside, and that’s not to say that sometimes it still doesn’t when a door closes, by my own choosing or someone else’s, but I’m learning each and every step of the way, to just accept that there is a force at work, something so much more powerful and knowing than I am, and I have to trust that whatever it is, whatever we are comfortable calling it, is so much wiser than we are about this journey we are traveling.

Certain things fall apart, so that other things can come together, because too often we linger on something or someone that no longer serves a purpose and we leave no room for the better opportunities to be presented. It’s all a matter of flowing WITH life, instead of trying to control and manipulate it the way we think it should go.

Today, my goal is to BE …to be happy, to be peaceful, to be love and to be light, to myself and all others who cross my path today. To be present in each moment I am in, and do my very best to reach for my highest potential no matter what I am doing or what my external circumstances may be. I wish for all of you the very same.

JUST BE.

 

©2013.NOVEMBERGOLD.All Rights Reserved. 

 

Tanning Bed Illuminations: The Sunny Side of Life

Tanning Bed Illuminations: The Sunny Side of Life

 

As I begin this, I am chuckling because they say a title is one of the most important elements of a piece, it’s what initially draws a reader in; in this case the title runs far deeper than it seems and only a few will “get it” , which is completely okay, the message will be clear to the rest nonetheless.

 

Sunny side up eggs have always been unappealing to me, they are half cooked and slimy, both of which I cannot handle when it comes to eggs, but I have to think that those eggs are aware that they are only partially cooked, that technically they have room to be cooked more without being too cooked. Okay, seriously, I’m sure those eggs don’t know shit about anything, they are eggs!  That was a metaphor for anyone who missed it. Are we on the same page now? J

 

We meet people along the way in life for reasons, nothing is an accident, each and every experience and person is an instrument or a learning tool if you will, in one form or another; oftentimes we are the vessels by which something is to be taught/learned and we don’t even know it. We should learn to look at even the challenging people and experiences as “good” or “valuable” because it’s from those moments and those folks, that we truly experience learning and growth; I mean, think about it, if everything were all roses and rainbows how would we elevate ourselves to a better vibration? We wouldn’t; think about it like this, some of the most beautiful rock formations were created out of constant lashing by water and sand and dirt and other rocks colliding over and over again until the surface becomes smooth and shaped into something amazing; so too are we shaped and molded by life.

 

I met him over a year ago, (and one day that will be a story in and of itself) although it seems like forever has been and gone sometimes because the value of meeting him and his presence in my life has been immeasurable and intense. I’ve met a lot of people over the course of my life, and some of them I barely remember, while others have been a lasting memory that never fades or quiets, and some are still here, still journeying through life with me and they are the people I call Friend(s). Regardless of where the roads lead, and believe me, it has not always led to pretty places; he will always be someone who has had a lasting impact on my spirit. The danger with those who have such an impact on us is that here and there we allow them too much power in our psyche, we listen to them harder than we listen to our own voice sometimes and run the risk of falling into holes of self doubt and spiritual turmoil, until and unless we grow so strong within our own spirit that we can hear without completely absorbing the opinions and ranting of another soul who is searching and incomplete just like we are; therein lies the key, realizing that everyone is on a journey of some kind; no one is perfect and flawless, even those who stand on soapboxes and proclaim to have some royal insight that no one else but GOD has. I have found that those who preach about EGO are the ones that seem to be the most afflicted with the dis-ease of the ego. How ironic. I don’t appreciate people who feel the need to manipulate others with lies and mental games, I don’t have respect for those who feel justified in toying with others feelings for the sake of their own ego’s, and people who will lie and distort the truth of who they are, do just that for the simple sake of feeding something lacking within themselves. It’s a beautiful moment when we awaken to that realization and take away the power of those folks who feel so justified in tearing us down when we threaten the foundation of bullshit that they stand on. People who need to force-feed others with how enlightened they are, are clearly not all that enlightened at all; ego needs to claim righteousness; the simple and pure enlightened soul moves quietly through life and others and touches and heals just by the silent art of being.

Oh, but I do thank you…I thank you for the beauty you shared with me as well as the ego you exposed; I learned a great deal from both.

 

 

Love & Light~

 

©2013.NOVEMBERGOLD.All Rights Reserved. 

 

Part 2- A father's Love

I don’t believe that things happen by accident or coincidence, even though we use those words redundantly in our lives; each person and every Xperience is put into place for a purpose; lessons that we need to learn or things we need to teach someone else.  With that being stated, it then becomes more of a matter of gaining insight into the why, and as it has been pointed out to me, in this human capacity, we don’t always have the ability to reach that kind of understanding.

So if my perception is that there are open wounds and empty places in relation to my biological father and our lack of a relationship; my job is then to figure out how to apply the correct medicine to heal those wounds from the inside out, right? 

The first vital relationships we have with the opposite sex are with our parents, boys are drawn into the softness and comfort of their mothers, while girls are drawn into the strength and protection they get from their fathers; so if we don’t get those things, can you actually miss something you never had? Yes, because society gave us role models like June Cleaver and Mr. and Mrs. Brady (just aged myself, didn’t I? lol) so we then compare and contrast, us to them, etc…or as kids we witness our friends who have more functional homes than we have and want what they have, and seek the loving relationships that our friends had with their mothers or fathers, feeling confused and resentful when we don’t get the same thing. I recently listened to a clip from one of my favorite authors, Iyanla Vanzant, and she said that the things we experience in this life, are things that our soul decided upon before coming into this body in this physical sphere; things that we wanted to experience to advance ourselves to a higher level of energy and consciousness.

That leaves me thinking that all of this had its place and its purpose then, I’m not a victim, I chose this life because it would offer me the insights I was coming here to gain.

I guess ultimately I need to be thankful for the blessings in all of this, I have to choose that over sadness and a feeling of loss, it’s all a matter of my perception, it seems. I have the pleasure of having his wife in my life today, someone who was as close to him as another can be perhaps, and she so openly and willingly shares her memories of him with me; I know that that is no accident, we both believe he led us to each other because it was time. I think the medicine I need is simple surrender, acceptance and a willingness to just trust that this is all exactly what it was meant to be; and that one day he and I will have that meeting on the beach. I'll meet you there, Dad.

 

©2013.NOVEMBERGOLD.All Rights Reserved. 

Prayer- Staying the Course

STAYING THE COURSE

In the air today, I feel the winds of change Father God.

In the air today, I feel the passage of time and a shift in direction.

In the air today, I feel hopeful for I know a positive change is right around the corner.

My arms are parted and waiting for You, God.

My hands are empty and I'm open to receive God-ordained encounters and experiences that take me to new heights.

My mind is free from thoughts that take me backward or forward.

I welcome the opportunity to practice patience and presence.

Thank you for granting me the power and persistence to stay the course, to quiet the ego mind and to stay firmly anchored in the here and now.

I am so very grateful to see with new perspective. I am thankful to have a renewed sense of hearing that sets me straight.

I appreciate the inner voice that reminds me that everything is more than okay, a faith that assures me that I am well taken care of.

I know that I have the power to speak good over my life and, in doing so, I am in the flow of God's goodness, grace and mercy.

For this and so much more . . . I say thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Amen.

Reverend Stacy Amara

Duality

 

I ride the train of extremes in my life, I’m either on top or I’m lying at the bottom

in a crumpled heap. Gray areas have never been my specialty; although I strive to find comfort there more often these days because with age comes knowledge and with knowledge comes wisdom.

It’s one thing to possess wisdom, it’s another thing what we do with it, or don’t. There is a voice within me that speaks to me of love and light; a voice that chatters all day long, even when it has to fight to be heard over the other voice that tries to silence it, and it tells me about a life in vivid color with pictures so alive.

I see what I am reaching for, clear as the nose on my face, but something keeps me

 

 

rooted too firmly in this old familiar place. Garth Brooks once sang about “standing outside the fire” and said that it is not enough to stand outside the fire, that it’s not living if you’re standing outside the fire, he was telling us that life is meant to be lived and risks are meant to be taken, “life is not tried, its just merely survived if you’re standing outside the fire. There is this love that is burning deep in my soul, constantly yearning to get out of control, wanting to fly higher and higher, but I can’t abide, standing outside the fire.” He was right, there is no living if we stay comfortably rooted in our own self created boxes where we feel safe, where we know what to expect, (even when it’s less than desirable) and where we really have to take very few risks. I’ve lived in those boxes, those created by me as well as by others, and it’s true enough that within those walls we can safely explore things and grow; but if you block the sunlight and forget to water a plant it will wilt, and so will we eventually.

I’ve busted out of so many boxes along the way, torn down so many walls around me, and in honesty have sometimes built new ones to put in their place; but always I break out of those too at some point. My spirit is restless too much of the time, seeking that which my minds eye has seen, desperate to quench the thirst in my soul for all I know can be, if only I can come out from behind the walls. I ask myself over and over what I am afraid of, I ponder over what holds me in place, and I find myself shedding tears as I look out the cracks in the doors that stand in front of me. They aren’t bolted shut, there are no locks upon them, they actually stand ajar so really all I have to do is push and open they will be, but I don’t. Why.

I am afraid to be who I am, who I was created to be; I begin and then I retreat. Why.

Each and everyday someone tells me about the impact they believe I have, they speak of power and positive energy, they speak of all these things that I feel inside and truly do know exist; but yet I’m cowering and I don’t know why.

I am a Scorpio; a spirit full of fire and intensity, but fiercely private and alone inside. How do I bring that out into the light and allow the public to finger it? I have to be ready for the onslaught of critiquing and the people who will hate. Is that it? Is that what I am afraid of?  I want to write, to express, to explode, but I hold it in check anymore because there have been too many people along the way who take it all too personally and come at me with daggers trying to stifle my need to release, so I once again sit down and hold it all in for others benefit at the cost of my own. There is danger in trying to place ourselves in others thoughts, making them about us, when in fact we may be no where near the idea. I feel the winds of change blowing across my face more and more these days, and I know that my moment is coming when the blocks just dissipate and I freely release it all, the good, the bad, the beautiful and the horrific and oh what a story it will be. Look out E. L James, I have 50 shades of my own! ;)