Speaking of Freedom -"I lack the instinct of conformity"

There will be darkness before there is light-

A feeling of insurmountable wrong

Before it begins to be right.

 

 

Sometimes when we sit quietly and ponder things we end up in places that we never even thought about going, or realized we needed to; that happened to me today. I was reading old journals, finding poems and old writings from a long time ago, reliving memories and people, feeling old emotions, all of that, and then a light bulb flashed and I saw something…

There was a time in my life that I was so confined emotionally, spiritually, even physically that I lost myself. I went through the motions, I played my parts in the roles I was given,  I conformed to what people around me were comfortable with, I played the “good girl” role every day of my life to keep everyone around me peaceful, but always flowing below the surface was a current that kept me feeling restless and discontent. I had allowed people to take away my spirit, I had allowed people to force me not to smile or to talk with others, I allowed the inner me, the real me, to get pushed back into a corner and be replaced with the me that my environment was comfortable with.

I remember not being able to tell a stranger that his gas tank was open without being accused of flirting; or smiling at someone as we pass them on a street or in a store and being accused of wanting that stranger more than I wanted him. I remember being so unhappy.

I looked at my children everyday and kept pushing for the best, but something was happening; I was growing, I was changing inside and I couldn’t explain it. Every time I was “boxed in” I grew more resentful, every time I was stripped of my own mind and heart, I grew angrier; but our children kept me holding on, learning strength and faith all the way. I fought and fought to keep that marriage alive and healthy, in my heart I know that I did everything I could do; today I accept that our season was just over then, our time together has expired and it was time for a different level of life.

I say all of that to say this-

©2013.NOVEMBERGOLD.All Rights Reserved. 

(contined in pt. 2)