Part 2- A father's Love

I don’t believe that things happen by accident or coincidence, even though we use those words redundantly in our lives; each person and every Xperience is put into place for a purpose; lessons that we need to learn or things we need to teach someone else.  With that being stated, it then becomes more of a matter of gaining insight into the why, and as it has been pointed out to me, in this human capacity, we don’t always have the ability to reach that kind of understanding.

So if my perception is that there are open wounds and empty places in relation to my biological father and our lack of a relationship; my job is then to figure out how to apply the correct medicine to heal those wounds from the inside out, right? 

The first vital relationships we have with the opposite sex are with our parents, boys are drawn into the softness and comfort of their mothers, while girls are drawn into the strength and protection they get from their fathers; so if we don’t get those things, can you actually miss something you never had? Yes, because society gave us role models like June Cleaver and Mr. and Mrs. Brady (just aged myself, didn’t I? lol) so we then compare and contrast, us to them, etc…or as kids we witness our friends who have more functional homes than we have and want what they have, and seek the loving relationships that our friends had with their mothers or fathers, feeling confused and resentful when we don’t get the same thing. I recently listened to a clip from one of my favorite authors, Iyanla Vanzant, and she said that the things we experience in this life, are things that our soul decided upon before coming into this body in this physical sphere; things that we wanted to experience to advance ourselves to a higher level of energy and consciousness.

That leaves me thinking that all of this had its place and its purpose then, I’m not a victim, I chose this life because it would offer me the insights I was coming here to gain.

I guess ultimately I need to be thankful for the blessings in all of this, I have to choose that over sadness and a feeling of loss, it’s all a matter of my perception, it seems. I have the pleasure of having his wife in my life today, someone who was as close to him as another can be perhaps, and she so openly and willingly shares her memories of him with me; I know that that is no accident, we both believe he led us to each other because it was time. I think the medicine I need is simple surrender, acceptance and a willingness to just trust that this is all exactly what it was meant to be; and that one day he and I will have that meeting on the beach. I'll meet you there, Dad.

 

©2013.NOVEMBERGOLD.All Rights Reserved. 

I Dare you

*Authors Note*  This was written a bit before my divorce back in 2003

 

You demand of me honesty and openness,

But you’ll quickly shun me when it isn’t your ideal version.

Just once, I dare you to hear me.

Close off your judgments and knock down the walls that protect, and

Listen to the words of another for just this once.

Use your power to grow and to heal the wounds of your past,

Instead of to bully and control.

 

I dare you to be a real man.

Raise your voice to bring peace to your world, instead

Of to frighten and condemn another.

I dare you to do what’s’ right.

 

As I stand before you now, the object of your anger and your pain

I dare you to open your ears to hear, open your eyes to see

All that you inflict, and open your heart so that you can feel the way

Mine is breaking inside…..

 

And then, I dare you to look deep inside of yourself and

Face the demons that plague you.  After you’ve done what I’ve asked,

I then dare you, to honestly look me in the eye and

Find all the blame to be mine.

12/2000

 

Angst

Upward reaching
heaven bound screams
eyes wide shut, cold sweat and empty dark dreams.
Wake me up from this nightmare
and put me back on solid ground-
feeling so lost and alone and
just longing to be found.