Duality

 

I ride the train of extremes in my life, I’m either on top or I’m lying at the bottom

in a crumpled heap. Gray areas have never been my specialty; although I strive to find comfort there more often these days because with age comes knowledge and with knowledge comes wisdom.

It’s one thing to possess wisdom, it’s another thing what we do with it, or don’t. There is a voice within me that speaks to me of love and light; a voice that chatters all day long, even when it has to fight to be heard over the other voice that tries to silence it, and it tells me about a life in vivid color with pictures so alive.

I see what I am reaching for, clear as the nose on my face, but something keeps me

 

 

rooted too firmly in this old familiar place. Garth Brooks once sang about “standing outside the fire” and said that it is not enough to stand outside the fire, that it’s not living if you’re standing outside the fire, he was telling us that life is meant to be lived and risks are meant to be taken, “life is not tried, its just merely survived if you’re standing outside the fire. There is this love that is burning deep in my soul, constantly yearning to get out of control, wanting to fly higher and higher, but I can’t abide, standing outside the fire.” He was right, there is no living if we stay comfortably rooted in our own self created boxes where we feel safe, where we know what to expect, (even when it’s less than desirable) and where we really have to take very few risks. I’ve lived in those boxes, those created by me as well as by others, and it’s true enough that within those walls we can safely explore things and grow; but if you block the sunlight and forget to water a plant it will wilt, and so will we eventually.

I’ve busted out of so many boxes along the way, torn down so many walls around me, and in honesty have sometimes built new ones to put in their place; but always I break out of those too at some point. My spirit is restless too much of the time, seeking that which my minds eye has seen, desperate to quench the thirst in my soul for all I know can be, if only I can come out from behind the walls. I ask myself over and over what I am afraid of, I ponder over what holds me in place, and I find myself shedding tears as I look out the cracks in the doors that stand in front of me. They aren’t bolted shut, there are no locks upon them, they actually stand ajar so really all I have to do is push and open they will be, but I don’t. Why.

I am afraid to be who I am, who I was created to be; I begin and then I retreat. Why.

Each and everyday someone tells me about the impact they believe I have, they speak of power and positive energy, they speak of all these things that I feel inside and truly do know exist; but yet I’m cowering and I don’t know why.

I am a Scorpio; a spirit full of fire and intensity, but fiercely private and alone inside. How do I bring that out into the light and allow the public to finger it? I have to be ready for the onslaught of critiquing and the people who will hate. Is that it? Is that what I am afraid of?  I want to write, to express, to explode, but I hold it in check anymore because there have been too many people along the way who take it all too personally and come at me with daggers trying to stifle my need to release, so I once again sit down and hold it all in for others benefit at the cost of my own. There is danger in trying to place ourselves in others thoughts, making them about us, when in fact we may be no where near the idea. I feel the winds of change blowing across my face more and more these days, and I know that my moment is coming when the blocks just dissipate and I freely release it all, the good, the bad, the beautiful and the horrific and oh what a story it will be. Look out E. L James, I have 50 shades of my own! ;)