When Forgiveness is Enough

I taught my children as my father taught me; people will not always be good to you, Be good anyway. People will not always speak kindly to you, speak kindly anyway, and the lines I will never forget; It's easy to love those who love you, but it takes courage to love those who don't.

I think that I misinterpretted this message somewhere along the way in my life, because I have been there for/helped people that I probably should not have because of the history with them all in the name of being a kind and good hearted person, I mean heck, if Jesus can speak to people as they are killing him and bless them with love and forgiveness, I should surely be able to deal with the fact that people have wronged me, and still be a good person to them, right?  I've never been sure where to draw the line between who I should help and who I should just pray for and move on from; so when someone calls me in need, I'm there, because I genuinely care about people overall.

Sometimes we learn lessons the hard way, and I am absolutely no exception to that; I am too often set in my ways of how I feel I should conduct my life, and my good intent sends me down paths that end up being less than good for me. As I sat here today thinking about things, and how some people are just straight up ego filled assholes, I realized that my mistake all this time was in not really knowing when its okay to just not be there for someone and still be a true loving and spiritual being. I do good because it's important for me to put goodness out there into the world, I care because that's what we should do as human beings for each other, but the reality is that there really just are some people that we can give ourselves permission to close the door on and send love and light through the universe for them.
I need to be better about that, for the sake of my Self and my own heart. It hurts when you step out for someone else, even when they have hurt you in the past and they just use that opportunity to twist the knife they had already planted in your back.  I learned today.

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When the Bough Breaks

When the Bough Breaks:

 

Life changes without our permission and most times without any notice;
It just transforms into something else in the blink of an eye.

They say everything happens for a reason, but honestly, I am still

pondering some of the moves and working to just trust that they are and have, happened for reasons that just have not become clear to me yet.
How does something that feels so completely right in a moment, turn into something that you feel you need to escape in the next? How do friendships that have been built on trust and honesty dissolve into nothingness because of that same trust and honesty?

Why do children die? Why do horrible things happen to good people? Why do heartless people get to keep existing and inflicting pain on the world?

Do you have the answers, because I sure don’t.
What I do know is that no matter what happens and how badly we want to stop moving, breathing, and managing; we cannot stop, we have to keep moving, even if it’s just one small step, one short breath or one simple heartbeat. The universe continues to flow around us, birds still sing even on the mornings that we wake up with broken hearts and puffy eyes from all the crying we did the night before. The boss still expects you to be on time for work, and dinner still needs to be cooked. Life goes on; whether you’re participating or not.

As we journey through Life, we lose lovers, friends, and pets and so much more; so much more like pride and arrogance, selfishness and greed; or at least that is the hope. Time is supposed to bring with it wisdom and humility. Maybe we lose things and people we are attached to so that we can learn that nothing is permanent here, nothing and no one is forever, but merely experiences that we navigate through to learn the things we need to learn?

What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger, right?  What if it just makes us colder? What if it makes us hateful for what someone else has that we don’t? What separates that person, from a person who just accepts each life altering moment and pushes forward?  My thought?  FAITH.

Faith is not strengthened in moments that we already know what’s coming, Faith is conceived in those moments when the staircase is dark and we can only see the step we are on. We move slowly up the stairs, not knowing what awaits us on the next one, but we step anyway.

When we stop expecting that Life will always play fair, we begin to get somewhere; we accept, through tears and heavy hearts that friends grow apart, lovers fall out of love, and people die. We don’t accept it because it makes a damn bit of sense, we accept it because we have come far enough to understand that now and then things just don’t make sense at first glance, and they do not always feel good, but we inhale, we exhale, and we have FAITH that the Universe has a plan and that in each challenge we face there is a gift to uncover to elevate us to the next level of our journey here.

STAY FAITHFUL- We are all in this together.

~Peace

 

 

The Word "Victim"

Webster defines a victim as:
: a person who has been attacked, injured, robbed, or killed by someone else
: a person who is cheated or fooled by someone else
: someone or something that is harmed by an unpleasant event (such as an illness or accident)

The second definition is the one I am going to focus on as I write this; a person cheated or fooled by someone else....hmmmm...So, let me ask you, if the same person/people "fool or cheat" you more than once, are you still a victim, or are you just in denial and unwilling to change? I see real victims everyday, I spend my life advocating for victims, have for as long as I can remember in one capacity or another, and I don't know that I will ever stop being frustrated by people who have the clear knowledge of what is going on, but are unmoving and unwilling to change anything. These same people will blow up and complain and become bitter people, but still, are not receptive to change, and will continue to wallow in their own self made misery.
I encounter women who stay with abusers because they are afraid that they will fail financially, women who cannot be alone so being with someone who is the source of so much upheaval and chaos is better than having to face life as a single person, and having to start over. How many times have you heard someone say, "but I don't want to have to start over and get to know someone all over again." Really? So, being constantly disrespected and let down and hurt is sooo much better than having to be brave and step out on FAITH and take a chance that there just may be more out there than what is right in front of you? I truly feel bad for people who are stuck in that mentality. No one wants to get hurt, or be let down, or face the disappointment in the dating world that maybe, yet again, this one isn't the one either, no one enjoys that, I can promise you! But what about the realization that those very same people who don't want to take the risks, are fooling themselves by not being aware of the fact that each day they stay stuck in unhealthy patterns and relationships, they let themselves down, they betray their own heart; is that more acceptable? No, it isn't.

The ugly truth about all of this, is that real victims are the children of people who are caught in this web of destruction and turmoil, and there isn't anything they can do about it. These kids are the true VICTIMS in life, because they are being drug along through the chaos and the violence and the unstable environments, against their will, and with no power to change it. Absorb that for a moment...
I was in a 17 year relationship/marriage which became toxic and dysfunctional, and I was unhappy and drowning emotionally. I did all I could for years to put on a good show for the outside world until I looked at my children and saw the hurt and the fear that it was causing them, and something in me clicked and slapped me in the face very hard. I didn't want to raise a girl who believed it was okay to lose yourself in a man and sacrifice yourself to the point of not even having your own identity, and I didn't want to raise a boy who felt that bullying and yelling and controling was the correct way to be a man. I knew that the only person who was going to be able to change all of that was me. I was scared beyond anything words could convey; I was panicked at the thought of leaving the financial security that we had created as a couple; but betraying my children, who did not ask to be in this world,and were gifted to me, was not a concept that I would even entertain, no matter what it took for me to protect them. I have wonderful family, and steadfast friends, but every single one of them knows that if it came down to them or my children, they have never and would never, have a chance. Our children do not ask to come here, we make the choice to bring them here and with that, we take on a responsability to love and protect them from harm in the world. What happens to those kids when the people/person who they count on for protection puts their well being aside and leaves them vulnerable and exposed? Statistically we know that many of them grow up addicted to drugs and/or alcohol, they take on the role of abusers or victims in their adult lives with friends and family and eventually intimate relationships; they carry on the chaos and the turmoil and the cycle continues.
I am an advocate for children above and beyond anyone, because I despise injustice, and I have no respect for those who have children and don't protect them or put them first. Being a single parent is not for the weak, as any single parent will attest to; but at the end of the day it doesn't matter that it's hard and sometimes gut wrenching, what matters is whether or not you honor that title of Mom or Dad and do what's right by your children.

An excerpt from book 3!

 -this is a small excerpt from my third book called "It's Raining Men and my Umbrella is Electrically Charged; and a hundred other ironies of living"

 

Thoughts?

What is it that feels pain and hurt when we lose someone, or when life goes left when all you wanted was right? What tells our chest to ache as we let go of ideas and fantasies of whom and what we thought life would be? Is it our ego, or is that our soul mourning? I tend to think it’s our EGO, because the Soul knows that everything is temporary here, it’s all just moments in this one time and space, and it has limits; the ego limits us.

A friend and I talk about this often; we refer to it as “sleeping” in life. Its death while you’re alive, isn’t it? It’s sad how much chaos and pain we cause ourselves when we operate from our ego.

It’s in those moments when we release ourselves from our ego and surrender to our Soul that we begin to awaken. We begin to understand this whole process of living better; we find ourselves opening up to different ideas and being thirsty for knowledge because we come to know that knowledge equals power.

As is par for this game of Chess that we call life, certain moves, experiences, people and places will create a great shift in our lives, offering something that is new and needed in that very moment, changing us, forcing one of two things to happen, we grow or we get stuck. I’ve been blessed by experiences and people that forever altered me, in ways that are almost too amazing for words, but something in me is compelled to try.

I wake up each morning, and as I stand to brush my teeth or wash my hands at the bathroom sink, I read a prayer that I have typed and taped to my mirror, and something that a stranger wrote in a writing group a great many years ago, and I always walk away feeling renewed in some sense, like maybe I stand a little taller and hold my head a bit higher than I did when I first went into the bathroom. I make the time to make the connection to my Divine Source, not just in that moment in the mirror, but often throughout my day.

Beyonce’, in an interview once said, “God is real. God is in me, God is in all of us” Truer words have not been spoken. We are all born with a God Center, whatever you refer to that Energy as is not nearly as important as the underlying message of love, light and support that we feel when we awaken to that Divine Connection within us. Along with that awareness comes a journey into FAITH- that unseen force that teaches us about trust and patience; and from there the world opens up to us in so many ways.

I am a woman who lives very instinctually, I always have to some degree, I’m just noticing that it is more and more in tune as I move from day to day and through different experiences in my life. I’ve made choices and decisions based upon my “gut feeling” more times than not, and I know, have scared my mother half to death at times; but in those moments that I have listened and moved when prompted, I never regret, but I always come away altered and wiser. I’ve come to think of those instinctual feelings as communication between my Self and the Higher Energies that I am connected to; my angels, spirit guides and God and Goddess. If I listen, they are always offering me guidance, but as life does now and then, things get loud and Ego steps in and tries to run the show and in those moments I stumble, sometimes I trip and fall all the way to my knees and right then I pause;  I surrender and I listen.

I say all of that, to say this; nothing that we experience is an accident, there is no such thing as coincidence. If I tell my Self everyday that today will be a horrible day, the universe will set in motion all of the horrible things it can, just to prove me right; so that I can say with justified agony, “See! I was right, this was a horrible day!” On the other hand, if I tell my Self that today will be a great day, and that no matter what is thrown at me along the way I will prevail because I am Divinely guided and always protected, I will end the day with a smile and a sense of content gratitude, because maybe today wasn’t a perfect day, but it was a day worthy of being thankful for regardless. We create and manifest that which we desire, we draw to us that which we give our energy and focus to; The Law of Attraction. It’s as real as the nose on your face, I promise you. My life has been a constant testament to this premise.

 

Is This Thing On?

It's been awhile since I have posted here,not because I haven't been writing, but more because I am working on my 3rd book project and putting most of my time into that and not posting anything real new, so that when the book comes out, it will be fresh and untouched; an element of surprise, if you will.

But as I was sitting here drinking my coffee today, I decided that maybe I had some things to jot down and share with you all, my faithful readers.
First of all and most importantly- I want to say that GOD IS AMAZING!  My Aunt was just recently diagnosed with Breast cancer, and underwent surgery and came out like the fighting champ she is, doing well and on her way to a speedy recovery. The last picture I saw of her was from a hospital bed giving the thumbs up. I love her courage and I am so very thankful that she is doing alright.

I've been doing alot of reading about the Law of Attraction again; understanding moreso than ever that we create the experience that we have in life by the energy we give to our thoughts. I'm still learning, and I'm still guilty of getting stuck in a thought I don't want to think or in a mood that I would rather not expend any of my energy on, but I know that I have made and continue to make progress in directing my thoughts to positive moves and goals. I think we all go into a new year with our hearts filled with giant hope about what that year will bring us, and a sigh of relief as we leave the old shit behind;but how long does that feeling of hopefulness last you? For me,it usually made it through January, and then after that it was like, oh yea, here we are again, same shit different day, right?  When 2014 rolled around though, I was in a whole different mind set, a very strong one that this was going to be a great year for me, I could literally feel it! And as of right now, that feeling is as strong as ever, it's just a matter of drawing myself a map.

The message I wanted to share with all of this is simple;
BE HERE NOW; but keep building steps and keep taking them one at a time until you reach the destination mark on the map, where-ever that may be on your map.
Be MINDFUL of your thoughts; Be full of simple GRATITUDE. I say Thank You every time I am blessed with a hot bubble bath, because I know there are some who go without. Be JOYFUL as you lay down in your bed at night because there are those who sleep on the hard ground.
We draw to us what we put out; the simple Law of Attraction. What kind of life do YOU want?

Let Go

We do things in life that aren’t always explainable; we make decisions that are not always in our best interest, and are sometimes just down right self abusive; but why?

 

A young lady asked me last night “why do I want to call him, why do I keep thinking about the good times and the times that he made me feel happy and made me laugh, instead of staying focused on the abuse he put me through?”  I sat there looking at her as if she had just asked me a million dollar question.

How many times have I asked myself that question with regards to intimate relationships, friendships, or even family relationships?  The popular, ignorant answer given by many is; that we are weak minded. Yes, I said that. I have been told by people over time that the only reason someone stays or goes back to an abusive partner/lifestyle, is because they are weak.  Funny how that statement has come out of the mouths of people who claim to be so spiritual and so all knowing, when obviously they are just as misguided as everyone else. Go figure!

 The real answer is that we go back to people who have hurt us, betrayed us and let us down for as many reasons as there are people; albeit financial need/stability, children, no where else to go maybe, and of course LOVE. Emotionally, we allow ourselves to be abused by friends, family, partners from a sense of unworthiness to have any better, or from a dysfunctional psychological state that just craves what is familiar as opposed to having to forge new ground and take new risks. The old way may hurt and be less than we want or even need, but we are familiar with it and within that, we find some sort of “safety”.  We get caught by the “honeymoon phases” and we feel hopeful that the last time will be the last time that they say such hurtful things to us, or hit us, etc…

Letting go is hard, rebuilding from scratch on friendships and intimate relationships is scary! We have to learn someone new, we have to plant new seeds and wait to see if they will sprout, and it can all be quite intimidating! 

Sometimes, we actually do separate from the abusive people and situations, only to find ourselves too afraid to peek out of the self contained box we have built for ourselves for fear of being hurt all over again by someone else.

I’ve had to get my feelings hurt over time, my heart trampled upon, and my trust destroyed; I’ve cried a million tears, raged and wallowed in the why me’s, but all of that brought me to this moment, today.

 

I am in no way on a perfect path in this life, but I have come to love myself enough to know how to walk away from anyone and everything that does not serve a worthy purpose in my life. That is really what it all comes down to; learning how to love and respect yourself enough to refuse anything less from others.

Today, it is my prayer that we ALL learn how to love and respect ourselves enough that we will not allow ourselves to be the victim of anyone else’s hatred, insecurity and selfishness again.

 

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