At the end of the day- the only person who will answer to and for any and all of those actions, feelings, thoughts, is ME. It is MY KARMA that I will affect and taint, not theirs. I could "do you the way you did me" just because for a moment it might just feel good to lash out and hurt back so that they know how they made you feel....But, at the end of the day, it is MY KARMA I affect. There have been a lot of moments in my own life that I felt truly deserving of some revenge, moments that I was betrayed by lovers, friends co-workers so badly that I felt 100% justified in seeking some sort of sick satisfaction from hurting them back; yet I declined the offer and kept it moving.
Now some people think this is weakness, spinelessness, cowardice; I beg to differ. There are fights to fight and causes to rally around and then there are those "small things" in life that in 5 years really won't matter, hell, in 5 days it might not matter, and just aren't worth getting all up in arms over...I've learned how to pick my battles, and in a great part I thank my ex husband for that.
To say that my life is in some sort of a "shift" would be a gross understatement, I don't know what I feel most of the time, because as each day passes, I just get more numb to it all, to the point of feeling very little on most days. I'm learning to expect dishonesty and disgenuine behavior from people, and it makes me sick. I hate it. I also hate faking it and I realized this morning as I was listening to an inspirational speaker and motivator, that in order to really blossom, I have to be naked; and no, not literally. ;)
My daughter asked me not long ago, what I was most passionate about doing in my life, already knowing the answer I woudl give her, but I think she wanted me to just say it out loud so I could hear it again myself; I told her to just write and be able to live and maintain from it. I thought back to that conversation this morning and realized that as long as I am afraid of the backlash of MY truths, my perceptions of my own life and experiences, I will forever be hostage to just dreaming and hoping. I have to write nakedly and stop concerning myself with how you, or anyone else will percieve it, and it scares the ever loving shit out of me, because some of it is ugly and painful and will slap some in the face. My grandmother told me when I was 14 years old that if I did one thing for her before she died it would be to write my life out in a book. I didnt do it before she died; and I cannot change that, but I can still do it for her, for me, for anyone else who just needs the courage to take a step out for themselves regardless of how much it scares them. She told me to write my life.....one naked truth at a time.
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