Let Go

We do things in life that aren’t always explainable; we make decisions that are not always in our best interest, and are sometimes just down right self abusive; but why?

 

A young lady asked me last night “why do I want to call him, why do I keep thinking about the good times and the times that he made me feel happy and made me laugh, instead of staying focused on the abuse he put me through?”  I sat there looking at her as if she had just asked me a million dollar question.

How many times have I asked myself that question with regards to intimate relationships, friendships, or even family relationships?  The popular, ignorant answer given by many is; that we are weak minded. Yes, I said that. I have been told by people over time that the only reason someone stays or goes back to an abusive partner/lifestyle, is because they are weak.  Funny how that statement has come out of the mouths of people who claim to be so spiritual and so all knowing, when obviously they are just as misguided as everyone else. Go figure!

 The real answer is that we go back to people who have hurt us, betrayed us and let us down for as many reasons as there are people; albeit financial need/stability, children, no where else to go maybe, and of course LOVE. Emotionally, we allow ourselves to be abused by friends, family, partners from a sense of unworthiness to have any better, or from a dysfunctional psychological state that just craves what is familiar as opposed to having to forge new ground and take new risks. The old way may hurt and be less than we want or even need, but we are familiar with it and within that, we find some sort of “safety”.  We get caught by the “honeymoon phases” and we feel hopeful that the last time will be the last time that they say such hurtful things to us, or hit us, etc…

Letting go is hard, rebuilding from scratch on friendships and intimate relationships is scary! We have to learn someone new, we have to plant new seeds and wait to see if they will sprout, and it can all be quite intimidating! 

Sometimes, we actually do separate from the abusive people and situations, only to find ourselves too afraid to peek out of the self contained box we have built for ourselves for fear of being hurt all over again by someone else.

I’ve had to get my feelings hurt over time, my heart trampled upon, and my trust destroyed; I’ve cried a million tears, raged and wallowed in the why me’s, but all of that brought me to this moment, today.

 

I am in no way on a perfect path in this life, but I have come to love myself enough to know how to walk away from anyone and everything that does not serve a worthy purpose in my life. That is really what it all comes down to; learning how to love and respect yourself enough to refuse anything less from others.

Today, it is my prayer that we ALL learn how to love and respect ourselves enough that we will not allow ourselves to be the victim of anyone else’s hatred, insecurity and selfishness again.

 

©2013.NOVEMBERGOLD.All Rights Reserved. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Giving Thanks...

It's not quite Thanksgiving Day yet, and I have already been blessed to have two dinners. My very non-traditional family dinner, where we just decide when WE want to make it a holiday meal and we just do it.(Let me add that I love that about my family!)
And then tonight at my job we cooked for our residents who have no family or no other places to be and meals to share with loved ones or friends. It was such a joy to share in that with those ladies and their children and I felt honored to be part of it all.
Domestic violence is so much larger than we understand, hell so much more than I even comprehended; and I sat with those families tonight I was reminded of how blessed and bountiful my life is, even without all of the things I think are so important.
I am not faced with sleeping on the streets, or having to walk in the cold to get where I need to be, because I have been blessed to have a roof of my own over my head and a car to drive, and clothes on my back to keep me warm. My children are safe and sound and cared for in their lives, my friends and the rest of my family are sheltered and surrounded by love; truly blessed  we all are.

Life is hard as hell and I wouldn't dare sit here and try to convince anyone of anything else; but in the midst of the struggles, we find joys as well; even in the sheer simplicity of a hug or an ear to listen we are comforted.
I personally have so many reasons to feel thankful tonight...and it is my wish for all of us that we continually find reasons to be thankful each day, because every day offers us something to be grateful for if we just recognize it.

Happy Thanksgiving One & All- May your bellies be full and laughter and love be plentiful among you.
Be blessed and be a blessing as you go....
:)

The Gift of Social Media-

The Gift of Social Media-

 

As I sat skimming through posts on facebook this morning, peeking into the pieces of life that my friends and family share, I was struck by a post. I will say that this person has been an inspiration to me since I met him, and as I got to know his heart, I knew that one day a woman would be one of the luckiest in the world to be at his side. I’ve never met her, although one day I know that I will, but even just the small glimpses of life that they share online, tells me that she is a very special lady, and that not only is she a lucky woman, but he is a very blessed man to have her and he makes no secret of his love and devotion to her, their families and the life they are building together. This wouldn’t be the first time this man has inspired me to write, and it most likely will not be the last, because his never ending enthusiasm for life and forward progress is awe inspiring to any and all he crosses paths with in life, and even through social media he continues to strive in what he calls; his Journey Above Poverty. I feel blessed to call him my friend.

Then a picture popped up of a father and son; another person who has been part of my life’s story and the expression of love and happiness on both their faces, made my heart overflow with love and joy for them. There is no love like the love we get and receive from our children, and the love that we give them is some of the purest love I have ever known personally.

As much as technology aggravates me at times, and escapes my simple understanding, I have come to appreciate my morning coffee and facebook because even across miles and in the midst of our busy lives, there is still this magical connection to those who matter to us.

It makes me happy to see people that I have known for years and spent my childhood with raising beautiful families and living in happy marriages, fulfilling dreams and enjoying and loving life and each other, I enjoy the new friendships that have been started and are being built day by day. I appreciate the support that we give back and forth during good times and bad; the strength and sense of empowerment that we give to one another through our posts and just simply the very fact that I can be part of each of your lives, even if it’s not in person as much as we’d like.

Please know that I see you, I’m always praying for you, for all of us, and that I thank you all for the inspiration, support and friendship that is showered upon me daily by some amazing human beings in my life!

Have a very blessed day, and be a blessing as you go!

©2013.NOVEMBERGOLD.All Rights Reserved. 

 

Two Sides

TWO SIDES

 

I felt you pushing on the door

But all I could do was stand on the other side

refusing to allow it to open all the way;

It was a moment of choices and I had to choose the right one.

Almost like a predator you prey upon my kindness

And take me for granted, always knowing when to strike

as though you smell the vulnerability on me.

I don’t believe in accidents, so I know that I am here again

For a reason; once again facing test day.

I have two choices now as I stand

on the other side of this door with you;

I can take the road that is predictable, even though

It won’t be good for me, or maybe even for you, it will

At least be familiar; or I can quietly just walk away

And leave you standing there alone to face your own hellish

demons without being able to use me as a buffer.

 

 One requires courage and strength from me

While the other just seems so easy; but then

The realization strikes with brute force and tells me

That to concede once more will bring me no peace,

Only more let down and disappointment,

because at the end of the day this really isn’t about you at all-

It is about Me and what I will allow in my life.

 In a moment, I inhaled and let it slowly drift out,

Breathing out doubt and self defeating thoughts;

And then quietly I moved away from the door

and left you alone on the other side of it.

You can push it open, I just won’t be there waiting

on the other side  this time.

I’m choosing me over you; I’m choosing forward progress over chaos.

I choose to love myself enough to make the right choice

Because I know that any other option will

Keep me grounded in one spot and I cannot

Move forward with my feet stuck in quicksand.

 

07/2013

©2013.NOVEMBERGOLD.All Rights Reserved. 

 

What You Think You Know- conclusion

 

With every woman and young girl who has crossed my path over the past 10 years, I am reminded of how important it is to nurture each other, to support one another and to empower one another. I’m not talking about women’s liberation here, I am talking about tending to our hearts, and tending to our souls and helping each other heal through life’s struggles and pains, instead of being petty and insecure and living behind walls of fear and resentment and jealousy. All of that serves no purpose in reaching higher ground; it will keep one stuck in quicksand.

I have watched a 17 year relationship crumble. I have been cheated on and lied to. I have been raped and sexually abused. I have been emotionally abused. I have been verbally abused. I have allowed myself to be used by people who weren’t worth the salt in my tears; I have allowed people to take up space and time in my precious life that didn’t have any intention of caring about anything other than themselves and what they could get.

I have been you; and somebody else, a wiser more seasoned woman is looking at me and saying the same thing.

I post what I post because I am surrounded by beautiful women who don’t know how beautiful and worthy they are, so they remain in relationships that do not serve them well, or they allow themselves to be the side chic or just one of many on his list of “to-do’s”—I post them because I have been you, and all it takes is for the right moment when things click to realize your worth, and to realize all of the ways you are blocking your own progress, and stagnating your own soul. Sometimes it takes another woman to stand in your presence and be a mirror so that you can see; who you are and what you are doing now, but more- who you can be, who you are meant to be, with some sunlight and water.

It’s important to me to love women, to offer nurturing where I can, and allow them to nurture me. I’m not blaming men, I’m merely standing up to say that unless and until we as women, learn how to love and support one another, empower one another without fear or agenda, we will continue to feel victimized by those who are careless with our hearts, and undeserving of our time. I post what I post to heal us; all of us.

09/©2013.NOVEMBERGOLD.All Rights Reserved. 

 

What You Think You Know- part one

I am a face book junkie- its how I start my mornings as I drink my coffee and wander through the lives of those I care about. I love that technology has given us so much ability to stay connected to one another over miles and miles in between us.

Everyone has their reasons, and needs for the social site, some people just like the connection that it offers to those we love and miss who are too far to just go sit and visit with, some people like it for the attention they can draw to themselves with whatever methods they choose on any given day, and some people need it to air dirty laundry on a daily basis and make sure that the world knows how “victimized” they are. Ho Hum.

Whatever it is for each person is for them to understand, we all have the option of taking people off of our newsfeeds, deleting them all together or a multitude of other ways to rid ourselves of that which we don’t feel we want to see, or need to know about others.

For ME- fb has become a place to reach others with positive messages, empowering messages, I find myself drawn to other pages and sites that feed the need in me for forward progress, the ones that nurture something in me that needs healing- and those that keep me connected to my source with reminders and beautiful images of the light within. The funny thing about it all is that I will get messages sometimes asking me if things are ok, or if someone has “hurt me” because of something I will “share” or a quote I will pass on….Yeah, the irony is that people think they know who you are and what you are about or going through by the things they see you post.
I’m ready to enlighten you all to something-

I am good, but I have been through things. I am strong, but I have been knocked on my ass at times, I’ve loved and been betrayed by those who I believed loved me back, but I am better because of it.

I don’t post all of those things for myself everyday; I post those things because I truly believe that we as human beings need to stop being so selfish and self centered and understand that the more we are open and giving to the world around us, the more healed and centered in the right things we become. I believe in being that which I hope to receive; and I believe that we all go through things to make us wiser and stronger so that we can share what we know with each other and grow one another, instead of stifle and hold down.

I was never very trusting or open to relationships with women, until I met my best friend in 2003. She started out as my manager at a job that I practically begged for as I was going through my divorce, I don’t think either of us realized how our lives were about to be changed by one another, but being part of that group of women in that small store taught me about the love of women and how powerful it is, and with each passing day, I know that the love I share with her, my sister, my confidante, my best friend is something that I don’t ever want to be without again.

I became a sexual assault advocate in 2010, and sat in groups of women listening to the stories and feeling their pain, because I was one of them, we shared pain, we shared fear, but more importantly, we shared victory, because we are SURVIVORS, not victims.
(continue to part 2)

HAPPY

I sat here this morning feeling so damn content; and then I asked myself,

“Self? Why are you so happy today?”

(Yes, I do talk to my Self often…stop laughing!)

 

Well, then Self said, “Why shouldn’t I be happy? I woke up this morning from a restful nights sleep, which means I received a gift first thing this morning, and it isn’t a holiday or my birthday, it is just another day that the creator has given me to step up and give it one more go.” 

I thought about that for a second, but then I said,
“but we’re broke, and the car isn’t running right, and we’re alone, and , and, an….”

 Self smiled at me and gently put a finger to my lips to hush me; “We aren’t broke, we have everything we need today, food, shelter, a job that we love, friends who love us genuinely, family that we treasure, our health and our smile; everything else is just extra’s that will come in the perfect time; in the time that is right when we need it, not just because we want it. Don’t get stuck on those things that this material world convinces us are necessary;  see beyond your eyes and hear beyond your ears so that you may recognize the wealth that you have within you and around you.”

 

I sat quietly absorbing all of that and realized how right my Self was. I have a million reasons to feel this way and I am going to bask in it. J

I am doing something I love, and I am affecting others with my compassionate heart and my smile; and I see it everyday in the way I am greeted when I walk into the house at work, I feel it when I receive those random texts from my kids that say “I LOVE YOU”, I know it beyond the shadow of a doubt when those real friends in my life take time to let me know they care, and are in my corner in this world. I know it when I feel the very real energy of those who are gone from this physical world, but never leave me and always let me know just when I need it. I know true happiness when those who I have counted on and trusted in have let me down and betrayed my kind heart, because I still pray for their happiness and well being everyday, and I pray for the part of them that so easily hurts other with their callousness and self centered ways to be healed, because I refuse to give in to hate and animosity; neither of those serve me well.
As I listen to my daughter talk about her time at the fire department, her elation overflows and to hear her say “I am so happy when I am there, I know that’s where I am meant to be” My heart swells with pride because I want nothing more than for my children to know contentment and peace in this chaotic world, but also because it is a beautiful thing that she has chosen to go out into this world and be a part of making other people better; little does she know that just her presence is healing in and of itself and anyone blessed enough to be around her is already better because of it.

The cat box needs changing, and the laundry needs finishing among other random things on my list of to-do’s, but John Mayer is singing and the sun is shining, and I AM LOVE. I AM LOVED. And somewhere the water is calling me to come and sit peacefully with it today, so seek I shall for that quiet place with my Self and the water, and rejoice in all of the gifts that I have and the beauty that I feel within. It is my wish today that I share this feeling directly and indirectly with every person I cross paths with and every experience I find myself in today.

Love, Light and Peace to all of you, and to me and my Self JJJ

 

 

 

Reach & Grow

I walked out of work last night reading a text from my daughter, “Mom, Krissy is leaving for school tomorrowL” In that moment I felt my own heart take a little bit of a dive, not for the same reasons, but because it sent a flash of memories through my mind of this beautiful little girl with the sweet smile, and the stark realization that she is not a little girl anymore, she is a young woman embarking on a whole new course of life. I have had the pleasure of knowing her since birth, and although from a distance for the past ten years, I have still been gifted with her presence and spirit, directly and indirectly, through her best friend, my daughter. It’s a whole new chapter of life, but one that I am sure will bring her so much joy and life experience!
I know that my baby girl is hurting and conflicted with sadness and pride and love for her cousin and best friend; and that part of it gets me a little emotional because I hate that for her, but secretly, or not so much, I am hoping it brings her closer to her mom too, because now my amazing niece will be just a few miles away attending the awesome UWGB. J

 

This morning my best friend called me on her way to take her son, one of my favorite men in the world, to college. I listened to her talk about her concerns for him, her pride in him, her overall love as a mother and it made me smile. And keeping with Walton devotion, like I have always known this family to have, grandma and grandpa were in one vehicle, mom and Al in another, and Andy driving his own as they made the journey to the dorms. I pictured the convoy in my mind and it made me smile; no matter what they all endure, I have never known a family so completely and constantly devoted to one another and to taking care of each other the way they do; perhaps part of why I am so blessed to be considered part of that family. I have watched Andy grow over the last 10 ½ years, and go through growing pains emotionally, through phases of exploration and reflection, and as I sat with him last October when his little sister passed and I had a conversation with him, I realized even more what an amazing and intelligent young man he is and how blessed his family, his friends and the world are to have him. My life has been blessed by his heart and his depth and I am so proud of him.

 After all of the sentimental reflection and the trip down memory lane with each of these young’uns in my mind; my Mom side kicked in and I thought about the anguish that we as mothers have as we watch our children leave home and begin something without us, something that we wont always have control over, something that is beyond great for the kids, but so terrifying to a mom as we let go. I listened to my best friend, my sister, my greatest ally, and my heart swelled for her, because not once did I hear her talk about herself even though I know she is feeling this so deeply inside. I’ve already taken this step with my children and have had to watch them leave and start on their own and the goodbyes never get easier for me when they come and go again; but I take comfort in the fact that life is like this; it offers us chances to reach and grow every minute and that isn’t limited to age or background, its something we ALL get to go through.

I am SO proud of you Andy and Kristina! I am so beyond happy for you that you are not afraid to step out of your comfort zones and go explore what life has waiting for you! I have no doubt that this will be just one of your many journey’s in life that will forever change and bless you as long as you over come fear and walk head up and chest out into the world and say HERE I AM; LET’S DO THIS!

 And to the 2 beautiful Mom’s who are growing through this too; Be Strong and know that you aren’t really letting go, you’re just giving them room to roam and find themselves, but they will always know the way back home and no distance or obstacles in between will cut the ties that keep a mother and child connected.

My Love to all of you-

08/29/13

GOD Moments

Have you said, “Oh my God, my rent is due and I have no idea how to pay it!”
And then suddenly you find yourself blessed with the money to pay your rent, or to buy food, etc…coincidence?
I don’t believe so, I believe those to be GOD Moments; moments when He shows up and takes care of you like a good Father does, they are also given as reassurances that we are being heard, that our struggles are not going unnoticed and we are NOT ALONE.
I have been having more and more of them lately; or maybe I am just more aware of them than I have ever been, which is probably more accurate. This morning as I am sitting here writing this, another one has come; my daughter just got a new job which is much needed and hopefully the beginning of a new phase of her life, a more positive phase.

I am also about to begin a new phase of my working life; one that I have worked hard for, and I have remained steadfast over the past year as I have applied on several occasions at this facility only to be turned down for someone else. I went in this time applying for one shift a week, with the mindset that at least I will get my foot in the door and be able to show them what I have to offer them, 2 weeks later in the executive directors office, I am offered a full on position with them! Talk about timing!

I visited an old friend yesterday and talked about Faith, family, how precious life is etc…this friend is currently without physical freedom, but is learning to free his mind and embrace something new that he has never known, inner peace and tranquility, and a sense that if he remains Faithful, he will be blessed. Had it not been for him asking that I please come to see him, I would not have, out of my own lack of courage and because it’s easier for me to deal with his pain through a letter once a week, as opposed to facing his current reality, but I was directed there yesterday morning as I found myself detouring from grocery shopping to make a quick stop there. When we first saw each other, I felt the outpouring of love that I have always had for this man; he is truly one of the best people who has ever blessed my world and I will always hold great love in my heart for him. His smile and his surprise were all I needed to know that I had made the right choice; I’m not even sure I made it, I just drove the car and someone else was steering it. Even in the smallest of signs I knew God had orchestrated this meeting; the usual 30 minute visit was allowed to run over into an hour, and we laughed and sometimes we just sat there looking at each other smiling; we always said so much that way to each other, through our eyes, I love that about us; it’s just simple and comfortable. As we rose to part ways, he told me how seeing me had made his day and made him feel good; made him feel cared for, he said. He thinks that I gifted him, but what I know to be true is that GOD gifted us both.

It is my hope for everyone reading this that you find the ability to be awake to God Moments, because they happen ALL the time, it’s really just a matter of whether you’re listening and paying attention or not. ;)

©2013.NOVEMBERGOLD.All Rights Reserved. 

 

One of those days

Today is one of those days when my mind is swimming and the unanswered questions lurk like a predator in the dark.
The one thing I have to keep reminding myself of is this...My FAITH is bigger than any problem this world can give me, it's just a matter of reminding myself of that over and over again.

Today I pray for a friend who just lost her son; in the blink of an eye life is taken just as easily as it was given and it is the "not knowing when" our time is up that makes me want to reach higher in each moment and to consistently work to be better than I was, because I do not want to live with regrets and even more I never want to regret the things I should have said, or could have experienced if only I would have been brave. In anothers loss, I am awakened to the fragility by which we exist; the next moment is never promised to us.

Tomorrow is Emily's birthday, and people that I love will celebrate her life, and hurt over the empty place she left. The comfort that I have though is that she never leaves, she is always lingering near watching out and directing the steps of those she left behind, including me. She says she sits with me at night because I am comforting to her and little does she realize that just that knowledge alone inspires me to stay connected to the light inside of me, because if her angelic spirit finds comfort in me, it tells me that there is something good in me, something that she can feel and see; I feel like I owe it to her to rise above the chaos and disorder in and around me and be the woman I was created to be. I want to stay worthy of her love and light in my life, and show appreciation by doing the work I need to do. Thank you for your presence and your love in my life little girl-

It's a writing kind of day- writing, music and meditation...I am merely the vessel thorugh which you flow- I surrender.

©2013.NOVEMBERGOLD.All Rights Reserved. 

The Gold Xperience: The Morning After

The Gold Xperience: The Morning After: July 14,2013   I woke up this morning and sat down to write with tears in my eyes; how can life be so fickle? I spent the day w...

The Morning After

July 14,2013

 

I woke up this morning and sat down to write with tears in my eyes; how can life be so fickle? I spent the day with my son and daughter in law, and a terrific friend and came home riding the high from my day; to hear a verdict of not guilty in the Zimmerman/Martin case. My heart sunk, the outrage took over and I felt myself feeling uncomfortable in my own skin. Why? Because I’m white, and for a moment I believed that this was about color, but this morning, I realize it’s far deeper than that; it’s about the horrific flaws in this system of “justice” that we have in this country. It’s not because he was a young black man, because if that were the case, why did FLA let Casey Anthony go after the world knew damn well she killed her children; they were all white.  White parents, Mexican parents, native parents, NO ONE is excluded in this ugliness of the world, we all lose! And I know in my heart that across the U.S people of all colors were supporting this young man and his family, we didn’t see color, we saw the loss of an innocent life, period. I read things this morning about how this is the white folks getting back at the blacks for the O.J case. I scratch my head and wonder how feeding this line of thinking is going to get us anywhere good?  I responded to an online forum and was told that because I was white I didn’t understand and never would. Really!?

 

Let me clarify something; I am a MOTHER, that trumps your damn skin color bullshit, I’m tired of all this bitching about race, stand up and DO something about all of the injustices you feel instead of pointing fingers I know this world is biased in some ways, but we are not ever going to invoke change by sitting on our hands and letting it victimize us, stand up and be heard! DO something to bring about positive change with all of that emotional energy! Russell Simmons said that last night, “we must remain peaceful. No matter what, remain peaceful. If you have anger this evening, put that energy into challenging these horrible laws that allow overly-anxious neighborhood watchmen to carry guns and shoot innocent people.”

 

A man and a woman lost a son, it doesn’t take being the same race for anyone to understand that, it takes a heart, and human compassion; I had just spent the day with my son, don’t think I didn’t sit here last night imagining the horror of him being gone. We cannot let this become more unrest amongst us, we cannot let the ugliness of the world win, we have to rise up and come together and instead of people like Treyvon, MLK & so many others dying in vain, we need to bring about unity and change!!!

 

Stop fighting one another, stop feeding it, and stop being victimized by any of it, RISE UP AND UNITE in positive ways to change the world we live in! I don’t have the answers or the blueprint, but I look around and I listen, and I see and hear all of the ways we disrespect each other; men/women against one another, black women against white women, and the list goes on and on, its not stopping any of it, it is perpetuating it! Why don’t we recognize that?  We cannot stop hatred with more hatred, we cannot stop racism with more racial tension, we cannot teach non-violence when we are violent…Maybe this is a test to see how far we have come as a people; maybe it has less to do with the dysfunctional justice system and more to do with a Higher Power testing us to see if we will learn and this time come together in peace and for peace, or whether we will let this divide us even more than we already have. We can blame whoever we want day to day for being treated less than by others, but each and every moment of every day that we are given we wake up with the ability to freely choose how we feel and WHO WE WILL BE that day. You can choose to be angry because the world is unfair to you, you can blame it on your skin color, you can blame it on your weight, but ultimately, we all have a choice to either stand for something good, or fall for something less. I choose to love and to stand for my fellow people, no matter their color, creed, etc…I CHOOSE to think good thoughts even in the midst of pain and sorrow, because I know in my heart that good always prevails over evil, in some way or another I know that it does.

 

 

George Zimmerman is not a free man today; he was dismissed of charges yes, but for the rest of his life he will look over his shoulder and not feel safe, he will fear for his family’s safety, he will never gain back the life that he knew. He didn’t really win; it’s more a matter of where we imprisoned him because he is behind bars no matter how you want to see it.

 

My heart hurts this morning, we are a society and a government full of ills, and we just keep band aiding the issues instead of actually getting in there and building something better, but I’m going to send one more prayer up for all of us right now, I’m going to pray for guidance and for love and patience and compassion because we all need it, and then I’m going to dust myself off and go out into the world be the positive change I want to see; one person, one step at a time, because it’s better than doing nothing but crying in outrage w/no movement forward.

 

R.I P Treyvon, you are truly in such a better place than this mess we are left with here…

Everyone needs to bow their heads and pray to whatever God you pray to, and send something positive out for this family, for this world, for yourself and for me; turn this into positive energy and watch change begin.

 

~Peace, Love & Light

 

 

 

Book 2!!!

And yet another dream comes to beautiful fruition!!! Here it is, a collaboration with one of my favorite writers, my Aunt Becky Corinne Strukamp!! We have talked about this moment for years, today we see it bloom! It is a mixture of y poetry/short story, and a great contribution from my bestie R.Jones, and beautiful heartfelt poetry by Becky. GOD IS SO GOOD and I AM TRULY BLESSED!

https://www.createspace.com/4355919?ref=1147694&utm_id=6026

Sara Bareilles - Brave

The Gold Xperience: Speaking of Freedom part 2

The Gold Xperience: Speaking of Freedom part 2: PART 2 I get really disappointed at times that my life is not full of “wealth” and “stuff”, and I won’t sit here and say that I don...

Speaking of Freedom part 2

PART 2

I get really disappointed at times that my life is not full of “wealth” and “stuff”, and I won’t sit here and say that I don’t desire to be comfortable with money in my life because I think we all want that to some degree or another, but I will say that I have been lost.

In a moment of silence with my Self today, I realized how incredibly blind I have been to so much in my life without even realizing it.

I had to rehash old journals and poems to get the awakening; but it hit like a good hard slap on the ass and had me sitting here laughing and crying my way through the emotions.

I AM rich, rich as hell actually, ya wanna know why? Because all of the things that hurt me so much in the past, the things that kept me away from my Self are no longer issues at all! I don’t cower in public anymore and avoid smiling at a stranger for fear of being emotionally attacked by an insecure ego; I don’t hesitate to speak to the man next to me in line somewhere.

I don’t fake who I am for anyone anymore. I live a life true to who I am inside, at the core of my being. I am imperfect and flawed, yes, but I continue to reach and grow.

I don’t have the money that I would like to have, granted, but I have so much love and friendship in my life that I have faith that outer success is only a matter of timing, and we all know it doesn’t happen in our time; the higher energies of the universe map all that for us.

I love my Self more and more unconditionally each day that I am gifted with a new morning, although I still fall short I am closer all the time.

I stopped being a passenger in life and took the drivers seat and watched two of my own personal dreams come to fruition, I graduated from college a year ago with my BA, and I saw my first collection of writing go into print and be sold. On another level, I was witness to one of the happiest days of my son’s life, his wedding day, and my daughters’ graduation as an EMT. Pride wells up in me for all of us; we made one hell of a team, and individually we are all strong in our ways. Being a mother has made me rich all by itself because nothing can bring out the warrior in a woman’s spirit like being a mother. LOL.

It was in fighting for them that I learned how to fight for my Self. They made me want to be the best person I could be, so I set high standards for my Self.

 I AM wealthy. I LIVE AUTHENTICALLY; there is nothing richer than that.

  ©2013.NOVEMBERGOLD.All Rights Reserved. 

Speaking of Freedom -"I lack the instinct of conformity"

There will be darkness before there is light-

A feeling of insurmountable wrong

Before it begins to be right.

 

 

Sometimes when we sit quietly and ponder things we end up in places that we never even thought about going, or realized we needed to; that happened to me today. I was reading old journals, finding poems and old writings from a long time ago, reliving memories and people, feeling old emotions, all of that, and then a light bulb flashed and I saw something…

There was a time in my life that I was so confined emotionally, spiritually, even physically that I lost myself. I went through the motions, I played my parts in the roles I was given,  I conformed to what people around me were comfortable with, I played the “good girl” role every day of my life to keep everyone around me peaceful, but always flowing below the surface was a current that kept me feeling restless and discontent. I had allowed people to take away my spirit, I had allowed people to force me not to smile or to talk with others, I allowed the inner me, the real me, to get pushed back into a corner and be replaced with the me that my environment was comfortable with.

I remember not being able to tell a stranger that his gas tank was open without being accused of flirting; or smiling at someone as we pass them on a street or in a store and being accused of wanting that stranger more than I wanted him. I remember being so unhappy.

I looked at my children everyday and kept pushing for the best, but something was happening; I was growing, I was changing inside and I couldn’t explain it. Every time I was “boxed in” I grew more resentful, every time I was stripped of my own mind and heart, I grew angrier; but our children kept me holding on, learning strength and faith all the way. I fought and fought to keep that marriage alive and healthy, in my heart I know that I did everything I could do; today I accept that our season was just over then, our time together has expired and it was time for a different level of life.

I say all of that to say this-

©2013.NOVEMBERGOLD.All Rights Reserved. 

(contined in pt. 2)

Sunshine- Song by Murph

https://t.co/srolmNNncV

 Check out the new track by my good friend T Murph! An inspiration to myself and a damn talented dude!

· @JapOut22 on Twitter

Journey Above Poverty!

Annnnd HERE IT IS!!!!

www.createspace.com/4322830 , or Kindle, Or AMAZON.COM

THANK YOU IN ADVANCE FOR ALL YOUR SUPPORT!

Will also be available on AMAZON.COM in 3-5 days, and is on Kindle as well!

SNEAK PEEK-

HERE IT IS!

A SNEAK PEEK AT THE FRONT AND BACK OF MY FIRST PUBLISHED WORK!

Character of a Queen Part 3

Molesy Crawford; amazing woman

http://youtu.be/oTkqSl_vcmU

Naked Truth

I could spend hours, days, weeks even years, plotting revenge on those who have hurt me, or let me down or done me wrong; just as all of those I have hurt, done wrong etc could plot against me. I could spend my thoughts on ways to get even, I could waste my precious moments on how I can retaliate...
At the end of the day- the only person who will answer to and for any and all of those actions, feelings, thoughts, is ME. It is MY KARMA that I will affect and taint, not theirs. I could "do you the way you did me" just because for a moment it might just feel good to lash out and hurt back so that they know how they made you feel....But, at the end of the day, it is MY KARMA I affect. There have been a lot of moments in my own life that I felt truly deserving of some revenge, moments that I was betrayed by lovers, friends co-workers so badly that I felt 100% justified in seeking some sort of sick satisfaction from hurting them back; yet I declined the offer and kept it moving.
Now some people think this is weakness, spinelessness, cowardice; I beg to differ. There are fights to fight and causes to rally around and then there are those "small things" in life that in 5 years really won't matter, hell, in 5 days it might not matter, and just aren't worth getting all up in arms over...I've learned how to pick my battles, and in a great part I thank my ex husband for that.
To say that my life is in some sort of a "shift" would be a gross understatement, I don't know what I feel most of the time, because as each day passes, I just get more numb to it all, to the point of feeling very little on most days. I'm learning to expect dishonesty and disgenuine behavior from people, and it makes me sick. I hate it. I also hate faking it and I realized this morning as I was listening to an inspirational speaker and motivator, that in order to really blossom, I have to be naked; and no, not literally. ;)
My daughter asked me not long ago, what I was most passionate about doing in my life, already knowing the answer I woudl give her, but I think she wanted me to just say it out loud so I could hear it again myself; I told her to just write and be able to live and maintain from it. I thought back to that conversation this morning and realized that as long as I am afraid of the backlash of MY truths, my perceptions of my own life and experiences, I will forever be hostage to just dreaming and hoping. I have to write nakedly and stop concerning myself with how you, or anyone else will percieve it, and it scares the ever loving shit out of me, because some of it is ugly and painful and will slap some in the face. My grandmother told me when I was 14 years old that if I did one thing for her before she died it would be to write my life out in a book. I didnt do it before she died; and I cannot change that, but I can still do it for her, for me, for anyone else who just needs the courage to take a step out for themselves regardless of how much it scares them. She told me to write my life.....one naked truth at a time.

©2013.NOVEMBERGOLD.All Rights Reserved. 

The Queen Code- Part 2 The Character of a Queen

This woman is too good not to promote her. Molesy Crawford.
Thequeencode.com

http://youtu.be/DgH-eEG5SbA

The Gold Xperience: A place of voids-

The Gold Xperience: A place of voids-: Who would you be if you didn't care about what other people thought or how they saw you? Do you know who you are at your core? ...

A place of voids-

Who would you be if you didn't care about what other people thought or how they saw you?

Do you know who you are at your core?

WHAT makes you truly happy? What makes your soul sing?

A lot to ponder upon, I suppose, but valid questions that deserve answers nonetheless, right?

As I push myself to finish this book-writing stuff, or perhaps I should say continue, because I don't feel like I will ever be "finished" writing, I'm finding myself drawing in more and more, seeking refuge from all around me. Another moment of metamorphosis, another death and another rebirth. A re-creation of Self once more.

I think I've been lost, feeling too much or feeling nothing at all, riding the train of extremes so much of the time; I found myself trapped in nothingness today so I stopped everything and disconnected from everything external this morning and did yoga. I felt the anger in my body, I felt all the ways my spirit feels blocked and stifled. Everything hurt as I stretched and pushed out of my comfort zones. So much like my life lately- staying safely nestled in my own secure walls.
I regained something soft inside, but I am still floating in a void place. A place void of emotion one way or another with a lot of questions and a lack of answers. The frustration comes from knowing that the answers are there at my disposal if I can just tune in to the channels and listen, so why am I struggling so? How can we be so wise, yet ..........I commit. I retreat. I peek through the door but stay on this side of it. I pray to all of the energies of my angels and guides to just keep pushing me, please don't give up on me.

 "I will write until I cannot form the words anymore, and once I pass from this place, I will whisper them to you so that they may still be read."  That came from my father this morning...." I know it was him because he told me that when I write something and don't know where it just came from, it's him helping me, guiding me, letting me know simply that he is here with me, even though I don't see him.
Just keep talking to me, and together the words will be written, Dad.

The Gold Xperience: Wipe Your Eyes

The Gold Xperience: Wipe Your Eyes:   Wipe Your Eyes   I stumbled upon the song accidentally as is par for the course while I am riding through my musical the...

Wipe Your Eyes

 

Wipe Your Eyes

 

I stumbled upon the song accidentally as is par for the course while I am riding through my musical therapy sessions; I had grown a bit intrigued by Adam Levine from watching him on The Voice, and I have always liked most of Maroon 5’s music, but the new curiosity just led me to exploring more of it. I’ve listened to this song about 15 times in the past 12 hours; I am listening to it back to back as I am typing this, it’s funny how it went from one thing to another in meaning…all of a sudden, I realized that this was the conversation I needed to have with myself, these are the words I needed to hear, I don’t need anyone else to say them, if I just open up and allow the energy to flow to and from, I have all I need.

I’ve been feeling a lot, too much, spinning and clawing when I just need to get still and be quiet again.

 

It’s time to unplug and re-charge.

©2013.NOVEMBERGOLD.All Rights Reserved. 

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=viOEL7WAqZM&feature=share&list=LLJIrsxaeBdSGPxf_BBS0ZTQ

 

I'm afraid that I gotta what but I gotta do
But if I let you go, where you gonna go?
We gotta make it change, time to turn the page
Something isn't right, I don't wanna fight you
We've been through couple times, you know it gets worse
We can turn this around, please let me be first
And as I feel your tears spilling on my shirt
Something isn't right I don't wanna fight you

[Chorus]
Hey you, come over and let me embrace you
I know that i'm causing you pain too but
Remember if you need to cry
I'm here to wipe your eyes

Tonight before you fall asleep
I'll run my thumb across your cheek
Cry 'cause i'm here to wipe your eyes
I know I made you feel this way
You gotta breathe, we'll be okay
Cry 'cause i'm here to wipe your eyes

Oh nah nah oh nah nah nah nah
'cause i'm here to wipe your eyes
Oh nah nah oh nah nah nah nah

[Adam Levine]
When did we cross the line
How could we could forget
Why do we let the pressure get into our heads
Your broken heart requires all of my attention
'cause something isn't right I don't wanna fight you

[Chorus]
Hey you, come over and let me embrace you
I know that i'm causing you but pain too
Remember if you need to cry
I'm here to wipe your eyes

Tonight before you fall asleep
I run my thumb across your cheek
Cry 'cause i'm here to wipe your eyes
I know I made you feel this pain
You gotta breathe, we'll be okay
Cry 'cause i'm here to wipe your eyes

Please don't lose your faith;
Don't worry 'cuz I'm here to keep you safe
I promise if you let me see your face
That I won't let you down, I won't let you down

I'm here to wipe your eyes
Tonight before you fall asleep,
I'll run my thumb across your cheek
Cry, 'cause I'm here to wipe your eyes
I know I made you feel this way
You gotta breathe, we'll be okay
Cry, 'cause I'm here to wipe your eyes